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Little background to start, I’m 37, she is 34, we’ve been together for 11+ years, we’ll hit our 10 year wedding anniversary next May. We both went thru failed engagements prior to meeting and we’ve had some tough times after getting married. We lost 2 children to miscarriage and I lost my father to a heart attack nearly 3 years ago.
Now onto the story, sorry for the long read but I want to get all the info I can out so I can get everyone’s best opinions...
This all started back in January. We’d both been a little on the heavy side for some time now and decided to start a diet together. We started the diet 1/9, and within just a few weeks we’d both lost quite a bit and were feeling great about it. I felt so awesome, but I never would have thought possible what I uncovered just a few short weeks later.
I started noticing a lot of changes in my wife. At first I just passed it off as motivation from the diet/exercise, that maybe it was having the same effect as it was on me, turns out I couldn’t have been more wrong. At the time she was working Sunday-Thursday while I was Monday-Friday, so we only had 1 day together. On top of that we have a 4 year old son, so time became scarce between work and exercise. I was sitting around on a Sunday in early February, my son was taking a nap and I was enjoying some alone time getting things done around the house. At first I didn’t know the feeling that came over me, but, all of a sudden it was like a light switch went off...with all the changes, could she be cheating on me? The signs were all there, so I turned to the one thing everyone thinks of, google, punched in tell tale signs my wife is cheating.....kept pulling up different articles, kept going some more, and more, until I realized I was checking off nearly everything on these lists. I panicked a bit and thought to myself, “no way, not after what we both went thru before meeting one another”...well, I decided to do some digging, logged onto our laptop instead of my phone, didn’t realize she was still logged into her Facebook, so I took a quick look. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary at first, but then something told me to pull up her chats, well, that’s when it happened, a chat near the bottom with a coworker of hers, last message kinda stood out so I opened it, sure enough, she is going on and on about a hot lawyer she met up with at the local mall, how he was so nice and gave her so much attention...it had happened. Well, I dug some more since the door had been opened, she had also left her email open, so I decided to look there as well, that’s where I found the back breaker. She had been emailing nude pics and videos to some guy. Well, she had a business trip that Thursday/Friday, and they were planning on getting together to, well, you can fill in the blanks here. After stewing over how to approach her about it, and her being at work, I decided to send her a text and ask her if anything was wrong. Up to this point I had noticed her phone usage, lot more often than before, and she sorta hid her screen from me when she was using it. Again, didn’t think much of it at the time, but now I knew why....well, she replied back with “no, everything was fine”...so I asked her if she was happy or not, that I had noticed a lot of changes and was concerned....her response, “I’m fine, just decided to do things differently”...so, since she obviously wasn’t going to step up and be honest I opened the door...I sent her screen shots of her fb chat and her emails, didn’t say anything along with it, figured the evidence would be enough. She went quiet for a while, which I expected, fully knowing she was caught. She finally replied back, and to sum it up for you, apparently it was all my fault, I didn’t do anything for her, never showed her attention, all the typical things you would expect. I countered with it being extremely tough to give you attention when you work a differenrt shift, longer hours, and then go to the gym after our son goes to sleep and with me getting up early for work, I can’t stay up. Also reminded her that Saturday was our only day together and she always seemed to have plans. Silence again...this went back and forth for days. I tried talking to her in person but she always seemed to shut down and not want to talk anything out.
Fast forward now since I’ve set the scene for you. We had numerous talks over the months, but one thing kept going, she KEPT chatting with guys left and right, even after we would have talks about how to work on things she just kept going. After the initial catch, I then figured out her screen name and found her on dozens of adult dating sites. I’m not proud of this, but I was able to figure out her password for one of them and what I found nearly buried me. She had HUNDREDS of chats with men dating back to mid January. Talks of meeting up, talks of doing things together, you name it, I read it.
We’ve went back and forth since February now. I’ve caught her on 4 different occasions where she was using more sites, the last time being right before a trip to her parents house for my sons bday party. That was early September. Over the last 10 months I’ve watched her story change more than the weather. At first it was all my fault, then it was her fault, and her last one was an article she sent me that basically summed it up as a need, a mental need that women experience where they tire of monogamy and feel the need to be selfish and that it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me, it’s just she needed to feel things I couldn’t provide. Cheating is cheating, whether emotional or physical. The fact that her stories changed so much, I don’t know if I’ll ever truly know the truth, part of me questions whether I really want to know, but to this day she swears she did t do anything with any of them, that yes, she went on 4 dates, but that was it, it was all chats otherwise.
Early on she drive me to the point of needing mental help. I’ve been seeing a doctor since, am on medication, all for anxiety and depression that was all caused by this. Some days it almost has the same symptoms of PTSD. I struggle daily. I know of certain triggers, the worst being when she goes out on her own, and after all of this, you can see why. She found new friends, of which I’ve only met 1...and some of them happen to be strippers, so you can also see the extra anxiety this brings on. She is always wanting to go out with friends, and not me. We barely ever do anything together, and when we do it comes across like she is sacrificing time to do it. This week alone she went to concerts on Monday and Tuesday and no plans on going to a Halloween party Saturday, all without me. If it wasn’t bad enough that she cheated and lied, now I feel like I’m just getting in her way, and I’m more of a nuisance or that she feels embarrassed to have me out with her, almost like she doesn’t want someone she met to see me. That’s honestly how I feel now, and I’m lost and confused.
We’ve had our talks, sure, things seem like they are now going in the right direction at times, but the damage to me is done, and I just don’t know how to fix it or what to do. I constantly have break downs and it’s just here recently that she’s begun to understand what effect all of this had on me and the toll it’s taken on not only me, but our marriage.
I just don’t know what to do or what to believe anymore...please, be open, but be kind with replies/advice. I’ve had enough people tell me I needed to drop her like a rock or to get tested for std’s, I’m looking for thoughts, what would you do if you were in my shoes? I don’t want to lose her, she was the first women that looked at me for who I was and not as a mound of play doh that they could mold to their liking. Thanks everyone
If I was in your shoes, I could not look at her anymore. I would not want to be in the same room anymore. I would feel sick every time her phone makes a sound and I would wonder who else lays in my bed when I am at work.
Even if she would apologize now - WHICH SHE DOESN'T - you would NEVER be able to trust her again. She is a skank. I know you said to be kind with replies but maybe you need to hear it like that. She is not a good person.
She does what she wants, she has no remorse. She does not love you anymore. I am sorry. BUt you can do so much better.
One day you will look back and think "wow, how could I have stayed in this for so long" but it will take some time. Now you need to make the first step and kick her out or find a new place yourself.
In theory, marriage and individual counseling COULD repair a relationship after infidelity, but her actions since you confronted her show that she won't be deterred.
That plus the alternating schedules and the challenges of raising a small child are the trifecta of marriage threats.
Find a good divorce attorney, and continue your therapy.
Get a good divorce lawyer now, and protect your assets! She will probably transfer bank account funds, and maybe run up joint credit card balances. She wants to be single, and soon it will all be about money, and custody, although she seems to use YOU as a babysitter for her flings. Get out now. I can't be more emphatic. Yes it will hurt, but it will hurt more if you stay in the relationship. Don't move out, she should. Lawyer up, and file.
Wow!!! real sorry you're going through this.
It may sound callous but this is true...there are many women out there who would "look at me for who I was"...not all women want to mold their man into something they want.
Many women realize that it's best NOT to try and change your partner, because they fell in love with them just the way they are.
I can only say what I feel I would do in your shoes....and that's to just quit interacting with her at all.
Enjoy your son...spend your days off with him..sorry but any future with your wife doesn't look too bright, unless you're willing to look the other way from her infidelities.
I know I couldn't share my life with someone who thought so little of me that they would feel the need to seek attentions from COPIOUS other men.
I'd be thinking about (and lining up) a different place to live with my son.....without her.
Yes it seems you are fighting a losing battle. If I were you, I would leave (with son -- she is not mentally stable enough or mature enough to be a f/t mother) and give her the space to figure out what she wants. If she decides to commit fully to the marriage, that is what will be best for your child.
This is a perfect example of how social media is really good for nothing except fundraising and reuniting people with lost pets.
You need to make copies of all of those examples of her infidelity and take them to a divorce attorney.
She has blatantly continued, is using you simply for child care and financial support and is walking all over your feelings.
I feel badly for you, as it is clear that you have sacrificed your own emotions trying to make this marriage work. A marriage can never work under the circumstances that you are describing. She didn't even stop and take a breath.....she seems to have actually continued and become more bold....in part because by staying you are allowing her to trash your feelings and your marriage.
I am glad that you didn't do anything to get yourself into trouble. Some people react violently to this kind of shocking evidence. Now take yourself to an attorney....explore your options regarding divorce....and in many states her blatant infidelity will protect you from having to pay spousal support.
If you want full custody, talk to the attorney. Shared custody may keep either of you from having to pay child support and is becoming more common. Be aware that she has shown very bad judgement, inviting strangers into your lives....risking her child with these random strangers. She may want to bring them home in the future. Think about full custody.
I hope that through counseling that you can get yourself back to emotional health. You have a right to feel as devastated as you are feeling. Blaming you is her way of not accepting her responsibility for this horrific behavior. I understand that you feel depressed you are a normal person reacting to abnormal behavior, her behavior.
You owe it to yourself and your son to get some professional help, get yourself back to some emotional health, and make some logical rational decisions about moving on.
You have a right to be sad and grieve the loss of your marriage....I hope that you get your strength back through counseling and can reach out for real support to your family and friends and make the hard choices you need to make going forward.
Please keep posting, there will be a lot of support for you here. Wishing you emotional health and personal growth.
I want to leave you with a saying that I came across this year.
Fast forward now since I’ve set the scene for you. We had numerous talks over the months, but one thing kept going, she KEPT chatting with guys left and right, even after we would have talks about how to work on things she just kept going. After the initial catch, I then figured out her screen name and found her on dozens of adult dating sites. I’m not proud of this, but I was able to figure out her password for one of them and what I found nearly buried me. She had HUNDREDS of chats with men dating back to mid January. Talks of meeting up, talks of doing things together, you name it, I read it.
We’ve went back and forth since February now. I’ve caught her on 4 different occasions where she was using more sites, the last time being right before a trip to her parents house for my sons bday party. That was early September. Over the last 10 months I’ve watched her story change more than the weather.
We’ve had our talks, sure, things seem like they are now going in the right direction at times, but the damage to me is done, and I just don’t know how to fix it or what to do.
My two bits, your relationship is pretty much over, she just doesn't want to deal with the fall-out until there's no more delaying. One question.....why does it seem like anything is on track? You give a lot of details about what's wrong, but none about why you might say things seem like they're on track sometimes....
DazedandConfused20, first let me say I feel for you - I'm so sorry you're having to figure out how to work through this.
That said, I do have some thoughts on it. Have you gotten mad yet? Really, really MAD? I'm mad as he|| and won't take it anymore mad? Until you believe you are better than this and deserve so much more (as does your son), you won't be able to see things more clearly. Then, if you still want to save things, you have to let her know that you won't put up with the following behaviors in no uncertain terms. You and your therapist can work together to find out what those are. She then needs to know that crossing ANY of those lines going forward and it's OVER. This is her last chance, and it's a deal breaker. Tell her you have proof of how she's been behaving and that if she doesn't get with YOUR program, you're suing for custody of your son as well - you have the evidence necessary to do that if you've kept copies of what you discovered. But know that it has to be your program - no compromising on what YOU need to move on and for her to prove remorse and willingness to change.
That's what I had to do in one of my marriages - and since he was unwilling to change, not to mention I fully realized that he didn't respect me or my feelings or our relationship in any way, shape, or form and that I and my son DESERVED BETTER! He had crossed every line in the sand that I'd drawn, and I left less than a month later. It had become glaringly obvious he just didn't care and if he doesn't, why should I. But I had to shake off the depression, and GET MAD before I was willing to set my boundaries and stick to them. If he had wanted to stay together, he would have done every behavior necessary to build my trust up in him again.
PS - don't blame YOURSELF - you didn't make her cheat or drive her to anything. This is all on her.
Last edited by Missy2U; 10-27-2017 at 10:46 AM..
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