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Hey guys. I'm pretty much devastated. I am American and my SO, who I adore and who is the light of my life, is Dutch. We've been together for 3 years now and have maintained our relationship by being long distance and taking long trips to see each other. I have Italian citizenship, so practically-speaking, it would not be too much red tape for me to move to Italy or the EU.
The problem? We had planned on living in Italy together by this March and are currently here on an extended trip to see how living together will finally be. It would work for us on paper because it's inexpensive and sort of a midway point for each of us. I lived in Italy for 3 years from 2008-2011 and I was absolutely miserable but I naively thought that since I was in an abusive relationship at the time, that the reason I hated living here was because of that. I'm talking crying almost every day and wanting to go home to New York. I speak fluent Italian and am Italian American, but none of that helps. I could go into a million and one reasons why I disliked living here (but like vacationing here), though that's not the point of this post.
Also, the most important point for me is that my mom died last year. She was very young and this devastated my family completely. We spent every single day for 4 months in the hospital with her as she died an agonizing death filled with much suffering. Now it's just me, my brother and my dad. He's getting older and I find that he is starting to slip up with remembering things and his hearing is even starting to go. I am truly worried about him--beyond that, my brother and I are also extremely close. Given the situation I feel I am being put between a rock and a hard place. I know that I love my SO but I will be so miserable here again, but I also know that if I don't "sh*t or get off the pot" I will lose him.
As for him coming to the U.S., it's not going to happen right now. He and I don't want to be forced into marriage for him to immigrate though we do want to get married in the future, and he doesn't have any specialized skills or education that would make him a candidate for legal immigration anyway. He's a freelance translator--I wouldn't ask him to come to school here because that would debt burden him and I can't help him find a job because it would be nigh impossible for him to get sponsored. If he worked in finance or tech I'm sure it would be easier. It would be hard for us to move to his country because it's too expensive for us, and to tell the truth I'm not sure I want to be away from home at all anymore. It feels like we have exhausted all of our options and we spent all of last night crying. Today I'm flying home early because I was honest with him about my feelings about not being able to move, and I'm just devastated.
Lol, so you hooked up with a low skilled, jobless guy, you want him in the US, but do not want to get married to do so. You do not want to move there because you do not want to leave home.
Not much advice to give, either move to him, marry and he move to you, or just drop him because he sounds like a basement dweller.
This isn't going to work. Period. You are miserable living in Italy. He can't move here unless the two of you are married, and you won't do that.
You have family that needs you here, an aging parent, a close sibling - just forget it. It's clear to me that this isn't going to work.
The two of you are either going to have to suck it up and be LD for the foreseeable future or agree to end the relationship for now - perhaps you can pick it up again when your, or his, situations change.
Given the situation I feel I am being put between a rock and a hard place.
...
he doesn't have any specialized skills or education that would make him a candidate for legal immigration anyway. He's a freelance translator
It would not be hard for me to choose my family over a guy that is sorely lacking, that lives in another country.
So, explain again why you can't move to Holland? My impression of Holland is that it is a wonderful, clean, safe place, with great food.
He's dutch and you have an Italian passport, so can live anywhere in the EU.
I agree. He already has a place to live there & a job, I presume, so you can move in with him.
If you don't want to get married, I would question how committed either one of your are, becasue if you were married, he should be able to immigrate to USA.
So, explain again why you can't move to Holland? My impression of Holland is that it is a wonderful, clean, safe place, with great food.
He's dutch and you have an Italian passport, so can live anywhere in the EU.
It is apparently too expensive for them even though I assume that is where he lives now? There are lots of other countries in the EU where one could move other than Italy or the Netherlands. Why not explore those locations. Now you might be priced out of the biggest cities, but moderately sized cities could work.
The issue also seems to be that the OP also seems to have limited marketable skills to get a high paying job. I am not sure why people blame the boyfriend for being low skilled for not having visa worthy skills, when it sounds like perhaps the OP does not have them either. She just has an EU passport.
I am not sure why people blame the boyfriend for being low skilled
As for me, it's all the strife she is going through just to figure out a way to be with a guy that really doesn't seem worth her time.
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R - Neither of us can move right now. What do?
