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All of the sexless cheating marriages I have been privy to knowing the information of (three in total over the years) have been because one side has resisted or made the actual act of reaching out for sexual intimacy difficult or requiring so many prerequisites take place before it’s even entertained that it became more trouble than its worth trying for.
It brought with it a feeling of rejection and undesirablity that was eventually over time not worth putting effort in to reaching out to their partners for.
They understood the rejection would just ended up fueling resentment and hate towards their spouses and they choose to avoid it entirely and “give up” themselves by giving just as much as they where given in return.
The side effect of doing this however was making them extremely hypersensitive and responsive when others would take an interest in them outside of the marriage.
Their intentions where never to cheat on their spouse, but the desire to feel fulfilled and needed drove them in to circles of people that gave these things to them.
This eventually lead to improprieties by way of each the influence and familiarity of those who they surrounded themselves with to feel deisrable again.
Dry spells and circumstance are one thing, but totally ignoring your spouse and their needs of and from you will always lead to problems with your relations to them.
Yes and No. Maybe their sex drive isn't as high as their spouse's, and if that causes one spouse to cheat, then cheating was in the back of their minds all along.
Being the oddball poly-ish person I am, I just wonder one thing...
If someone doesn't want to have sex with their partner for whatever reasons, why would they resist just opening the marriage? I think it's kind of lame to be like, "Well, I don't want to do this happy thing with you, but I don't want you to be happy without me in the room, either." Like you're more ok with your partner being miserable than with them being happier with somebody else in their arms.
And the other side of it...how is it easier to cheat, than it is to honestly open a marriage?
Had my ex told me that his sexual needs simply were not being met and he could not continue in a marriage that way without some other solution being found, and suggested opening our marriage, I would have been thrilled with that. The only thing that made it hard to consider just breaking up, was the fact of parenthood and me being very (justifiably) worried that I couldn't support the kids on my own and wouldn't get any help from him if he left us. He came to our relationship with over $20K in back child support debt to the first wife he left with two of his kids, that he didn't even try to see or talk to during their whole lives. I've experienced the struggles of poverty and I didn't want to raise my kids in that kind of hell. I believe that if you have children, ultimately in the bigger picture they are more important than you are, than your wants and needs are. Not perhaps necessarily in the everyday "do everything for them and martyr yourself" way, but in the big considerations of major life choices. One's need to get laid shouldn't be more important than sheltering and feeding one's kids.
So if you have to consider some creative solutions to make that work...why would you NOT?
Being the oddball poly-ish person I am, I just wonder one thing...
If someone doesn't want to have sex with their partner for whatever reasons, why would they resist just opening the marriage? I think it's kind of lame to be like, "Well, I don't want to do this happy thing with you, but I don't want you to be happy without me in the room, either." Like you're more ok with your partner being miserable than with them being happier with somebody else in their arms.
And the other side of it...how is it easier to cheat, than it is to honestly open a marriage?
Had my ex told me that his sexual needs simply were not being met and he could not continue in a marriage that way without some other solution being found, and suggested opening our marriage, I would have been thrilled with that. The only thing that made it hard to consider just breaking up, was the fact of parenthood and me being very (justifiably) worried that I couldn't support the kids on my own and wouldn't get any help from him if he left us. He came to our relationship with over $20K in back child support debt to the first wife he left with two of his kids, that he didn't even try to see or talk to during their whole lives. I've experienced the struggles of poverty and I didn't want to raise my kids in that kind of hell. I believe that if you have children, ultimately in the bigger picture they are more important than you are, than your wants and needs are. Not perhaps necessarily in the everyday "do everything for them and martyr yourself" way, but in the big considerations of major life choices. One's need to get laid shouldn't be more important than sheltering and feeding one's kids.
So if you have to consider some creative solutions to make that work...why would you NOT?
Lol.
So a man should just be willing to let another man come over and sleep in his bed, eat out of his refrigerator, and lay on his couch, just because his female can't control her insatiable desires?
What happens if I get severely injured to the point to where it's simply too painful for me to have sex? Should I then open the marriage?
That's so disrespectful. Opening a marriage makes a guy appear weak. Apparently, you haven't spent a lot of time around real dudes.
When it comes to a girl not giving her man enough sex, as a man, even if you're thirsty, you make a decision to cheat or not to cheat. I'm not saying that it's not something people consider when they are in that situation, but that doesn't make it right.
Opening a relationship for most people is clearly unacceptable.
So if you have to consider some creative solutions to make that work...why would you NOT?
I know before anybody else has to say it that there's no guarantee that you won't be left anyway, but one fear is that letting your partner find a sexual relationship elsewhere would result in them leaving you for them.
That's exactly what happened to us! wow. Probably why I posted to this thread!
I was told I had an STD and my husband must've went out on me in the last 6 months. We just got married and he was a virgin. We went slow. He was no Casanova. Not to mention we owned a business together and were together pretty much 24/7. He had a wart on his hand, it was bleeding while he was touching me down there. I noticed it and said YUCK. Then boom, 10 days later it spread to that area. So gross. Visited the Doctor to learn it was an STD. Which by definition, I guess it was but Dr refused to believe my story of how I contracted it. Now they know it is posisble, say there is only one strand but it is possible.
My ex boyfriend who went out on me repeatedly so it could've been from him but Dr said no. Incubation period was 6 months and we'd been together a little over a year so it must be my husbands fault. It upset me because I felt they were spreading false information, paying too much mind to the medical textbooks.
We owned a business together and was together 24/7 anyhow so it wasn't really possible.
You know what's what...sorry that happened
No one has STD in either of us. He got tested before, and he just got tested again coz Dr. just want to make sure, to eliminate it. He is clear on both tests. I am not a doctor but I think that wart came from you from your BF before him. Just my opinion. But why would he touch you with bloody warts on any part of his body though? At least put a band aid, LOL.
On to the topic. Sex is not important to me. Lived without it for 4 decades since birth. There maybe a problem if intimacy is getting less and less though.
I know before anybody else has to say it that there's no guarantee that you won't be left anyway, but one fear is that letting your partner find a sexual relationship elsewhere would result in them leaving you for them.
No, there is no guarantee that you won't be left regardless, but I would take a happy/working situation with multiple people in my life, over feeling trapped in misery with just one. And I'd definitely want my partner to have that option too, especially if they were happy with many areas of our relationship, and still loved me, but we just weren't connecting well sexually.
I mean obviously if this sort of thing is just so completely against your personal beliefs, like if you're religious or something and monogamy is your only right way to do things, then that's different. But in that case, you should CERTAINLY not be considering cheating, no matter what.
I guess I found it wild that when I was in my poly-dating-phase, and I talked to vanilla-mono folks about it, they could wrap their heads around me having 4 partners, whatever they may think about that, but when I told them that they all knew each other, knew about each other, and were cool with the situation, that's where smoke and springs started popping (metaphorically) out of their ears. Like it could be accepted (even if judged) if I were being a lying sneak...but being honestly non-monogamous, now that's just CRAZY!
Dunno. To me, the way many unhappy couples seem to be feels like "I care that you are my property, I don't really care if you are happy, as long as you are MINE." and I don't like that. It does not seem very loving to me. And to some of the same folks, the only alternative is a breakup, probably one with lots of anger and hurt and drama where they wind up hating each other or never speaking again. I'm just not into the negativity, man...
Being the oddball poly-ish person I am, I just wonder one thing...
If someone doesn't want to have sex with their partner for whatever reasons, why would they resist just opening the marriage? I think it's kind of lame to be like, "Well, I don't want to do this happy thing with you, but I don't want you to be happy without me in the room, either." Like you're more ok with your partner being miserable than with them being happier with somebody else in their arms.
And the other side of it...how is it easier to cheat, than it is to honestly open a marriage?
Jealousy perhaps? Indignity? Pride? Fear of STI's?
I had a girlfriend that I loved very deeply. I think she loved me the same way too. Well, five days after I had left she had another guy in her bed. Oh, they were just sharing a bed she said because there was nowhere else for him to sleep. It's Ok for friends to share a bed as long as nothing happens she said. Actually, after a week or so something did happen, after I had made her horny with my texts. She ached all day she said and he was there so she used him. She never did have sex with him for some reason - not full sex anyway, although she did make him her boyfriend.
Well, after a week I was on a dating site and three weeks later I had a new girlfriend.
She never asked me if I was Ok with an open relationship. I can tell you she was not Ok with an open relationship in which I had someone else! She cried, she begged me to leave new gf and be exclusive with her - all the while she still had this guy!
So she wanted a one sided open relationship.
I cannot tell you how much all this hurt me! I got more and more angry!
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and he was a virgin. We went slow. He was no Casanova. Not to mention we owned a business together and were together pretty much 24/7. He had a wart on his hand, it was bleeding while he was touching me down there. I noticed it and said YUCK. Then boom, 10 days later it spread to that area. So gross. Visited the Doctor to learn it was an STD. Which by definition, I guess it was but Dr refused to believe my story of how I contracted it. Now they know it is posisble, say there is only one strand but it is possible. 
