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How not to cheat on one's partner: all you need is love - Yahoo! News (broken link)
This is a fascinating article that details a study showing the people who are in love with their partner are less likely to cheat.
Now think back to the many posts of people who come on here detailing some infidelity of their partner, them apologizing and begging to come back and what should they do. This study would tend to insinuate that the person who does the cheating, isn't in love with their partner to begin with.
Cool, good link. It seems obvious, but way too often people think they're in love, get married, only to realize that temptation gets the better (or worse) of them.
people fall in love. they also fall out of love.
lots of people like to "renegotiate" deals they make these days.
break a deal, face the wheel.
(mad max)
I think however, that even better is both partners being deeply in love and being attentive to each other. What if the cheating partner started out being in love with their partner, but was not getting enough love and attention back or is just an emotionally needy person? Then that could lead to vulnerability and a chance for an outside person to flatter, flirt and ingratiate themselves into the situation and cause an affair to occur.
I don't think that all cheating situations are alike. And I don't think that the cheater should take all the blame if it happens. I think that a partner taking his loving mate for granted sets up a scenario where the loving mate could be stolen away.
While I agree that love is needed to keep from cheating on a partner. I also think that it flows much deeper than just love. And I'll explain why.
Every couple, even those that end up with one partner or the other cheating, started out with "love". However, most people see love as simply an emotion that is felt, a feeling. Love is much more than that, it is an action and decision that is made as well. Real love comes into play when you choose to love someone even when you don't feel it. When your actions are loving towards someone even when you don't feel it.
There are many that will cheat on their spouse or gf/bf and insist that they love their partner. That it had nothing to do with not loving them. The reason for this in my opinion is that say for example... the husband that truly loves his wife and wants nothing more than to live happily ever after with her but feels neglected by her, her career, the children, family and friends all come before him in her life. He desires everything with her but that need he has is not being fulfilled by her and so he becomes vulnerable to the temptation of having it filled elsewhere. But he still loves his wife and if she were meeting the needs that are very real to him he probably would never have choosen to step outside the marriage.
So to me... there are other things besides love or the feeling of love that need to be in a relationship to protect it from either party cheating.
Communication:
It is my opinion that when a partner strays it is often seeking to fulfill a need. I believe those that do feel that lack and sometimes let it go far too long before really truly discussing it with their partner. If I feel that my fiancee is not meeting a need that I have, it is my responsibility to communicate this to him. I can't expect him to be a mind reader and figure it out.
Respect:
Having enough respect for your partner to not only listen to their needs but also trying to the best of your ability to meet their needs. Having enough respect for your partner that you would not even think of doing something that would be disrespectful to them. And having enough respect for them, to talk through the issues in your relationship together and not seek to pretend those issues don't exist by seeking outside of the relationship for answers. When in a relationship the answer to the problems of that relationship have to be found within the relationship itself. Stepping outside is never going to solve the problem, but only make it worse.
Commitment:
This goes along with loving your partner even when you don't feel it. Why? Because you made a commitment to them and in honoring that commitment you don't break the vows and promises made in the relationship by going outside of it. As much as I would like to say that every couple should strive to fix whatever problems exist in a relationship, there is a reality that some won't. In those cases, it is best to end the relationship than to disrespect it by cheating.
I am sure there are a few other things that I can toss in here as well but these are key and can apply to everyone.
I think however, that even better is both partners being deeply in love and being attentive to each other. What if the cheating partner started out being in love with their partner, but was not getting enough love and attention back or is just an emotionally needy person? Then that could lead to vulnerability and a chance for an outside person to flatter, flirt and ingratiate themselves into the situation and cause an affair to occur.
I don't think that all cheating situations are alike. And I don't think that the cheater should take all the blame if it happens. I think that a partner taking his loving mate for granted sets up a scenario where the loving mate could be stolen away.
Maybe thats how you work but when I make a commitment to someone, I am in control of myself. No matter how they are treating me, that doesn't give me leave to turn outside the relationship to seek solace in someone else's arms. Its about morals and commitment, pure and simple. No where in the marriage vows does it say that your only bound by these commitments as long as the other person is walking the line.
To look at the partner in the marriage and say its their fault you strayed is sort of like an alcoholic blames others around him/her for his drinking.
Maybe thats how you work but when I make a commitment to someone, I am in control of myself. No matter how they are treating me, that doesn't give me leave to turn outside the relationship to seek solace in someone else's arms. Its about morals and commitment, pure and simple. No where in the marriage vows does it say that your only bound by these commitments as long as the other person is walking the line.
To look at the partner in the marriage and say its their fault you strayed is sort of like an alcoholic blames others around him/her for his drinking.
I agree that in a relationship that is falling apart, things must be done in order. One must end the relationship or marriage complete with divorce before moving on to the next romance.
But I was just saying that it's possible for one partner to be very much in love but if the love isn't reciprocated in the right way, then the love is lost because of the other partner's actions.
Take my mom and stepdad. They have always taken their marriage vows very seriously and neither of them have ever cheated or even thought of divorce. But I have seen for years that my mom craves more warmth and physical affection than my stepdad is able to give her. He is just has a very typical cold male WASP personality. If I were my mom, I would have divorced and left him after us kids had graduated from college. On the other hand, my parents connect superbly on an intellectual level, so their relationship is not a total dud. They were a great team running the family business. I suppose that is why I am sympathetic to the Clintons' marriage. Their intellectual connection is strong and what keeps them together. Plus of course, their daughter.
In terms of non-marital relationships, I have seen many instances where on partner drove away a good loving partner and they couldn't see their destructive behaviour. Sometimes they would be too demanding, other times, just not paying enough attention to their partners needs. In a good healthy relationship, both partners need to love each other the same amount and in a way that is similar or compliments the situation.
And in a marriage, especially one that is long in the tooth, I still think that it's a viable scenario where the loving but abandoned partner has accepted the inequity of the love in the marriage, then one day someone else recognizes how wonderful this ignored partner is, and it's not at all difficult to suddenly sweep that person off their feet by making them feel good and special, something that their partner hasn't done for them in years.
One good book on the subject of compatibility is Lovelines by Dr. Molly Barrow.
Sometimes folks mistake "lust" with "love--they are NOT the same thing! Some just want that "can't be apart from them" feeling that you get when the relationship is new. Great feeling, but it doesn't last! That's why love is something that you DO--not something that you're IN!!!!!
I don't think the study is all that fascinating. Not thinking about a hot stranger in a picture does in no way replicate the lure of a real person, who you have connected with on some level,who is a temptation. In other words, if my partner reassured me that he won't stray because he was able to write about his love for me and not imagine himself with "Photoshop Barbie" I would tell him he would have to do better than that.
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