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In July of 2007, I moved to Pittsburgh (Moon Township). I knew no one here, but had a great opportunity to finish my degree and have a decent job so I left behind my social scene and came here. Unfortunately, nothing has really changed. I haven't met any friends to hang out with outside of school and I've been single for over a year. My question to everyone here is, if you've dealt with this or know someone who has, how do you keep from going crazy with this lifestyle? It doesn't always bother me when I'm working and going to school and being around people that way, but making friends here is something I've struggled with so far, and spending every night alone in front of the computer or TV or going to the gym alone is starting to get to me.
Actually.. u need to get into different groups.. Find something that does interest you and join that group. I know there have to be some sort of activities on campus where you can get involved in. Once you start doing that .. you will notice that you will meet people more often. Heck you may even find a mate!
Nobody is until they are trained to be a dancer. Granted, some people have natural talent, but they still have to be taught the footwork and the technical stuff. But what I'm talking about is you joining a group and interacting with a bunch of people. Dance pretty much forces you to interact since you are required to dance with the different people in the group. Just a thought.
find something fun and go out and do it, whether it's hiking or a dinner club, or church group (i've been known to join churches just for their social activities, nothing wrong with that, met some great people), or volunteer at a theatre, something you enjoy whether you meet people or not, and you'll start meeting people
Adopt a cat. If that doesn't fill the void then get a 2nd cat. Repeat process until you are surrounded by enough pu$$y to make you feel complete.
At times, your life sounds remarkably similar to my own, but I'm allergic to cats. They are like kryptonite to me.
I left my small town where my long time friends and family reside for a big city. All my neighbors are considerably older and their children are still in grade school. I'm not in school, and I'm self employed. I gave up games and sports, and I’ve been working from home, which is incredibly isolating, so I think you have it much better than me for having opportunities to meet people. I’ve had friends come and go, and I find myself with absolutely no one whom I consider to be a close friend in this city at this point in time. Sadly, it’s almost always because they moved out of state, or because they owe me money, or because I wouldn’t loan them money.
Regardless, I believe that our life is what we make of it. If we are not surrounded by friends or in a relationship that is because of the choices we made. I have chosen to dedicate my life to work, I'm a night owl, and I don't go to church or do any volunteer work. I'm also very skeptical of letting people into my home or my life. I've lost MANY friends to loans, as they almost never pay you back, and if you don't give them the loan they feel betrayed. My advice is to tell them upfront that you don’t give loans as you know how it ruins friendships, although some will still ask. This weekend a "friend" asked for $2,000 so he could buy a pure bred puppy as his credit cards are maxed and being a bouncer doesn't pay well. That was a tough choice, but I had to say no in this case. Needless to say, our friendship will never be the same.
Fortunately, while in an intimate relationship, I’m virtually never asked for money or at least from the girls I’ve come across. It’s as if they go out of their way to let you know that they are not using you. That earns tons of respect in my book which compels me to help at every opportunity, not only out of obligation, but out of appreciation.
I can share how I have made most of my friends (or associates I should say), and that's through the gym, which has been my ONLY social outlet. Offer to spot people, offer assistance to women who are trying to rack heavy plates, chat with people and eventually you will find those whom you share areas of interest. I think this applies to most anywhere you frequent. Since you are in school, and possibly work around people during your job, you probably have more opportunities than you realize. Btw, I carry 3 gym memberships, that increases my exposure and it should do the same for you as well.
Conversation tips:
Be humble (but not too humble), keep the ego under control, NEVER talk about yourself unless they absolutely insist, and sprinkle the conversation with humor, wit, and smiles.
While being friendly, attractive, helpful, extroverted, clean, well dressed, well fit, successful, and intelligent, will help you meet people, such attributes will not guarantee you lasting friendships or relationships. Lasting friendships are like relationships, they require work, compromise, and relatively equal effort from both parties involved. If you want lots of instant friends, pay your dues and join a fraternity. Or, issue loans to friends and make it clear that you don't expect repayment.
Hi,
I recently found myself in a similar situation (moved somewhere I knew absolutely no one for grad school) and while I quickly made friends at school/work, kind of felt socially limited as I essentially only had one group of equally-busy friends. Here's what I did that has helped my situation:
1) Find/try out a new hobby where you participate as a group. Going to the gym is a great activity, but it's more or less a solo activity and not so condusive to making friends. Although some people would disagree, I know I'm not there to make friends or be picked up when I go to the gym. I started taking a martial art, and because it's a class and there's some comradery, I've made friends there. Whatever your interest is, I'd look for something that's a group activity.
2) Join meetup.com and find interest groups in your local area. It's free and it's not a dating site. Find your city, and browse through the different groups that interest you, and go to the meetups. It's a great way to meet more people of varied intersts and walks of life in a casual friendly environment, and increasing exposure to new people is the best way to make friends and integrate into the community. In my city, there are groups for "singles who like to mingle," "new in town," "social and dining," and numerous hobby/interest groups (book clubs, sushi, beer, board games, salsa dancing, political groups, travel, outdoors, various language groups, etc). It's a great casual way to meet different people with shared interests, so try it. I know I've made some good friends this way.
Here's the deal. Loneliness is an inside job. That is, if you don't have a good relationship with yourself, you can be remain very lonely no matter what you're involved in or how many "friends" you have. In addition, most people would not isolate themselves as you seem to have done.... my (educated) guess here is that the way you isolate yourself is not the problem itself, but another symptom of the problem. And the problem could be any number of things... depression, low self-esteem, substance abuse, and probably a laundry-list of other things too numerous to name.
So, yeah... for starters, I'd say try treating the symptom by getting outside of yourself and doing something. I would suggest some type of volunteer work... something that will allow your to help others... the focus should be on helping someone else in order for you to get out of your funk. It may be a bit ironic, but it's tough to help yourself when you're focusing entirely on yourself. You need to put the focus outside of yourself in order to help yourself, if that makes any sense.
And if that doesn't get you on the right track, do what I and some others on the board do, and start seeing a shrink.
Having moved from time to time, please trust me on this--Developing friendships is important to your emotional health. At the same time, it's WORK. When you move to a new place, the world isn't just going to take notice of you and invite you to join it.
Step outside of your comfort zone. Twinkletoes offers a dance class as a solution, something you immediately shot down. Now, a dance class isn't my idea of fun, but it's an example of doing something that you wouldn't have done in your hometown.
There, you already had friends and relatives and colleagues by the score. In your new home, you have to build that network from scratch. That means reaching out to others. Find a new hobby or interest that involves belonging to a club. Invite somebody new to lunch every couple of days. Ask to join others. Get to know your neighbors. Join a church, if you're inclined that way. But do something that forces you to interact with others, and do it on a weekly, if not daily, basis.
In short, you are responsible for your own happiness. And if you don't get out there and find others, then you will have a lonely miserable life.
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