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I would ask him upfront what's going on - make him aware of the fact that his changing behavior is causing confusion for you, and let him know where you stand as well. If he continues to be vague, then just let it go. If he asks for a little bit more time before taking things further, then that is up to you how you want to handle it, though it really wouldnt be fair to you to have to wait around until he is fully over the ex.
Overall, do you get a good vibe (so to speak) about the whole situation?
Every time we're together, I do get a good vibe- But then when I don't see him he's definitely changed and I don't know why, because everything has been going so well (but who knows what he thinks).
So you think I should message him one last time to ask to be honest with me about everything, or better message to ask him to meet and then ask him in person?
Every time we're together, I do get a good vibe- But then when I don't see him he's definitely changed and I don't know why, because everything has been going so well (but who knows what he thinks).
So you think I should message him one last time to ask to be honest with me about everything, or better message to ask him to meet and then ask him in person?
Have the conversation in person, if at all possible. Text messages are not ideal, things can be very blurry
Every time we're together, I do get a good vibe- But then when I don't see him he's definitely changed and I don't know why, because everything has been going so well (but who knows what he thinks).
So you think I should message him one last time to ask to be honest with me about everything, or better message to ask him to meet and then ask him in person?
But you already did that, didn't you? Isn't that when he went into the whole "I'm confused, having trust issues, etc.?
Whenever anyone (man or woman) goes into that line of talk, they're putting up boundaries, and honestly, you're wasting your time.
The most optimistic outlook (seems to me) is that you totally back off, and MAYBE he'll figure out eventually, that he might be making a mistake by letting you get away. IOW, let him come to miss you.
For what it's worth, I don't think he's being purposely malicious or manipulative...he's just very distrustful at this point, and like all of us, has stuff to figure out. And THAT isn't really something you can help him with.
If he's not over his wife, or still has trust issues, why is he looking to date? Why is he on Tinder?
This. I agree.
I get the same feeling when someone posts that she (or he) just met a new person through OLD - through the person's ACTIVE profile - and is immediately told, "I work a lot, I hardly have any time to check in...we can do it every couple weeks or so, though." (Well, okay, they don't ACTUALLY say the latter. But it's generally pretty clear.)
So, you work so much that you hardly have time to speak to the person or people you want to have lined up as a sexual or ego In Case of Emergency Break Glass, you're just so busy busy busy, my goodness, you were almost too busy even to send the "I'm so busy" text...but you have an OLD profile and are actively seeking new dates?
Yeah, probably not. Probably, it's a light way to not quite disappoint someone and hear her cry when you do find that person you really want to be with, and dump this first person. I get that people don't want to hurt other people...I don't think that generally the "busy busy busy!" person is trying to harm anyone at all. S/he just...isn't really into it. (Well, or married, but that's another scenario!)
But you already did that, didn't you? Isn't that when he went into the whole "I'm confused, having trust issues, etc.?
Whenever anyone (man or woman) goes into that line of talk, they're putting up boundaries, and honestly, you're wasting your time.
The most optimistic outlook (seems to me) is that you totally back off, and MAYBE he'll figure out eventually, that he might be making a mistake by letting you get away. IOW, let him come to miss you.
For what it's worth, I don't think he's being purposely malicious or manipulative...he's just very distrustful at this point, and like all of us, has stuff to figure out. And THAT isn't really something you can help him with.
Yes.
And OP, when you did ask the first time, his actions spoke louder than his words. He backed off FAST.
All you can hope to get out of this, and even this isn't guaranteed, is another scrambling "No, I really do want you" (so he doesn't have to hear you cry). At worst you might expect that he will go "OMG...forget this" and just not answer you at all.
Not everybody is a match. I'll bet you're awesome, smart, tender...everything the right guy can want. I doubt this guy is a jerk or anything, I'm not saying that, I'm saying, this is all like pulling teeth for you and even with you doing the tooth-pulling you're still not getting what you want.
But you already did that, didn't you? Isn't that when he went into the whole "I'm confused, having trust issues, etc.?
Whenever anyone (man or woman) goes into that line of talk, they're putting up boundaries, and honestly, you're wasting your time.
The most optimistic outlook (seems to me) is that you totally back off, and MAYBE he'll figure out eventually, that he might be making a mistake by letting you get away. IOW, let him come to miss you.
For what it's worth, I don't think he's being purposely malicious or manipulative...he's just very distrustful at this point, and like all of us, has stuff to figure out. And THAT isn't really something you can help him with.
Except then the OP will keep waiting to see if he comes back or not, that could be a very frustrating process. Its better to just ask upfront.
Either way OP the first thing you should do is protect yourself emotionally- don't invest emotionally further until you have more answers. I made that mistake and got completely effed over recently by this girl I really liked, who was super into me initially and things went amazingly well - but ended by her very abruptly and drastically. And it's been a very painful situation to get through and recover from.
Your points are all interesting and true, but you forget that he has NOT tried to get into my pants, not pressured me at all or anything like that. I'm convinced he isn't just interested in getting someone into bed.
EVERY guy whose penis is working and who is interested in you would have tried to sleep with you already. Every time I hear these stories (or experience it myself) when a man is not eager to get physical, something is wrong.
Wait for a couple more days to see if he'll contact you. You're also probably not the only one he met on tinder before he deleted the app.
No, he did admit that he went on a few dates before meeting me, but so did I. I honestly wouldn't even mind him going on another date in the early process of dating, so have I actually.
You guys are all right, probably there isn't much I can do. I'm just really struggling to accept that he's maybe not really interested anymore, because we really hit it off and he was the one kissing me first on all dates and the one suggesting most dates. And why does he even keep saying stuff like "So this weekend I wanna go on a hike, interested in going with me?" etc. I don't know. Whatever it is, I don't wanna get too emotionally involved and end up being hurt. I've actually been on a date with another guy since knowing him, and have also talked to other guys on Tinder. I have to admit though that I've only been doing that to protect myself and not set myself up for too much disappointment, even though I've been more interested in him than in anyone else.
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But it's generally pretty clear.)
Probably, it's a light way to not quite disappoint someone and hear her cry when you do find that person you really want to be with, and dump this first person. I get that people don't want to hurt other people...I don't think that generally the "busy busy busy!" person is trying to harm anyone at all. S/he just...isn't really into it. (Well, or married, but that's another scenario!)
