Your first time living with someone (dating, wife, boyfriend, how to)

[qwy]

I'm just seeking advice from anyone who had been single for years and then got into a relationship and moved in with someone for the first time.


Any things that you wish you knew or wish you would have known to prepare for?


I've had roommates in college and I have siblings so I'm not asking for advice about generally living with someone, I meant specifically advice or things you wish you would have known about living with a sexual partner for the first time... For example sharing a bed with someone on a regular bases for the first time?

[ellie]

It’s hard to sleep sometimes until you get used to them being there. Nothing to prepare for.

You’ll probably see many of your person’s bad habits once the novelty wears off. Try yo be objective if you start feeling incompatible. Living together gives you time to decide if it will really work.

[CapsChick]

My husband and I moved in together before we got married. We were both in our early 40s and neither of us had ever lived with a partner. Needless to say, we were both used to living and sleeping alone and it was an adjustment. Two words of advice: King bed.

[Just Zola]

You might find it difficult to acclimatise having someone sharing your personal space. Sometimes you may cherish some personal time in your own room. But this may not always be possible when sharing.

Don't commit too heavily to begin with, let the novelty of living together wear off. And sometimes, once the thrill of spending so much time with someone under the same roof has worn off (ie indulging in lots of sex), you can end up thinking "Okay, what's next?" And then you slowly begin to realise that sex isn't the be all and end all to a good relationship. There must be other factors that you both must like and share for the "thing" to work.

[zentropa]

Don't do it unless you are in a marriage-level committed relationship.

[Sonic_Spork]

Don't make assumptions. If you need or want something, ask for it...talk about it... Nothing is less valid simply because your partner didn't read your mind and know you wanted it without you asking. That is unrealistic. Unspoken expectations that don't get met will destroy a relationship. Faster when you live together, as there are then more chances for them to crop up.

I personally found that, despite what most people do, I strongly prefer to have my own room, and for my boyfriend to have his. We both enjoy this way of life, and we can afford the space, so this is how we've chosen to live. I sometimes go to his space and sleep in his bed. It feels very good to have my own territory to be in when I want. We're both collectors with our own ways of decorating a room to make it feel "home" for us, so this way we both could do that in our own rooms, and share in the decorating of the common shared areas.

Make sure you discuss household tasks and you're both happy with whatever arrangement you come up with, and you fulfill any promises you make in this regard. Don't promise more than what you are truly willing to deliver.

[usayit]

You don't know anything about the person's living preferences and space.

Ask, talk, discuss often.. make no assumptions. This is the time to really put communication to the test and practice. Be prepared to compromise.. a lot. Neat freaks might need to learn to relax their expectations. Messy people may need to learn to increase their expectations.

While I am certainly not a believer that one should be married first, I certainly believe you should be in a serious point in your relationship.

Also,

Everyone needs alone time. Everyone needs their own space. I know some object to the idea of a man cave, for example... as if it i a bad thing. I think both the woman and man should have their "cave" for their own personal space considered their own.

[timberline742]

I learned for us to go find a place together. As in, we don't move into the other's space and try to make it "ours", but we find a space together and make it ours.

[qwy]

Thanks to everyone who has given advice so far... Just out of curiosity any opinions on ways to avoid any unspoken power unbalance?


For example if one person makes about 5 times what their partner makes, has a post-graduate degree and lives in a more upscale apartment, while the other person barely finished high school and has a job working as a janitor.


My apartment is way more upscale, furniture much richer, and my neighborhood is gated while her is lower income which is why she suggest we move into my apartment, however every thing I read suggest this would cause an unspoken power imbalance (my apartment, my furniture, etc...)


So I am curious to know if others who were in similar circumstances just rented a new apartment together and then furnished it together when they started living with their significant other?


Though I would still probably be the one to pay for the balk of the expenses if we did buy a new apartment... To be fair to her, she does plan on going back to college in January of next year so I doubt she would really have any kind of true income for a few years until she graduates but once she does I'm sure she will not mind paying for things.


I'm in my late 20's and she is in her early 30's so she has experience living with someone romantically while I don't.

[Brian_M]

The imbalance Before marriage is foreign to me, but I'm living it After. My wife is a Dr, she's never made Less than 3x my best pay... I haven't even bothered to work in 9 years now. In a good relationship, this is a non-issue ~ I do all the cooking, cleaning, home/auto/yard maintenance, run errands and basically do any and everything that I can do to keep her from being bothered. This works quite well (it's basically the gender reversed housewife that's been well proven to work), I easily save us more money by not needing to hire things out than I could earn.

When we were dating and moved in together (first time for both of us to cohabitate), we split everything as close to 50:50 as possible. I splurged and bought better food as I had an income while she was in school, paid for the entertainment/trips, but housing and utilities were equal.

I don't think any of that Really matters though, so long as you communicate. Everyone will have different comfort levels, different ideas of what's right and what's wrong, and different ideas on how to correct course. The only thing that matters is what works for YOU, and that takes communication.

Good luck