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It's just weird that you think the dynamics are different. Going out 3-4 times a week, or more, isn't unsual. It doesn't matter if it is a first date, a platonic friend, going to see a band alone, or a 15th day, or whatever. Yes, the poly people I see are pretty extreme in socializing, they are often out every single night. Personally, I can't do that, but it is also not very relevant to the issue at hand. Dating a few people (first dates or 20th dates) isn't difficult or very unusual for people with full time jobs.
"Personally, I can't do that..." Actually, that IS relevant to the issue at hand. You may know a number of people who can get dressed up, find a venue and go out with people 4X/week (and in the case of the thread here, go to their place or yours, sleep with them, then go home, and go to bed for whatever time you can before work the next day), but you yourself say you "can't". And many people "can't." Especially if they have other commitments, like work, keeping up a house or apartment and so on.
I know the following will cue the "I'm over 40 and I have the stamina of a bull! Seven nights a week is nothing for me" crowd but I have yet to see with my own eyes any significant number of people except the very young and unencumbered who kept up such a schedule without burning out. As far as literally recycling four dinner dates per week with all different people, hurriedly replacing any dropouts as those occurred in order to keep eating four days a week, and being one's "best self" and cheeriest date-face with new people constantly...yeah. Haven't actually seen that, ever.
I was saying I don't ask about other women, do some of you actually ask how many others, when, and if there is sex?
The Virgin/w**** thing got all twisted here, "if you want to be exclusive it's because you just want sex."
WTH?
It's not about judging, it's not about insecurity or jealousy, it's about preference. For ME, I like to keep it as simple as possible. One at a time. Not "don't ask don't tell mysteries", thats not how I meant it. I just didn't deal with the questioning until I wanted exclusivity. If a guy says "I was here last night with someone else...." it's unnecessary information, do you then ask if he had sex with her? No, who does that? And then do the judgy people say you're insecure if you ask? Do the judge-y people say if you don't you're too jealous to deal with it? Why are people so judgy? I think the people who are all "you should/you shouldnt" probably went on one date this year with 2 different people and now they know what's going on out there.
People make time for what is important to them. There are people with full time very busy careers and still managed to spend time working out at the gym several times a week.
I hang out with my friends 3-4 times a week, I work a lot of hours plus a long commute, and I close/clean bar afterwards 2 of those days. My friends are also busy people as well. Sometimes we get together between midnight and 2am... its the best time for us.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
"Personally, I can't do that..." Actually, that IS relevant to the issue at hand. You may know a number of people who can get dressed up, find a venue and go out with people 4X/week (and in the case of the thread here, go to their place or yours, sleep with them, then go home, and go to bed for whatever time you can before work the next day), but you yourself say you "can't". And many people "can't." Especially if they have other commitments, like work, keeping up a house or apartment and so on.
I know the following will cue the "I'm over 40 and I have the stamina of a bull! Seven nights a week is nothing for me" crowd but I have yet to see with my own eyes any significant number of people except the very young and unencumbered who kept up such a schedule without burning out. As far as literally recycling four dinner dates per week with all different people, hurriedly replacing any dropouts as those occurred in order to keep eating four days a week, and being one's "best self" and cheeriest date-face with new people constantly...yeah. Haven't actually seen that, ever.
I can't do every night, which is what I said I can't do. I can do 3-4 easily, and generally do. That isn't difficult. Tonight, beers with newish friend (met on Bumble 2 weeks ag), tomorrow staying in (as of now), Wed a show in Boston (with a friend/FWB... Clan of Xymox is coming), Thurs and Sat nights working an event in Boston, Friday I will probably have a date (working on it). Sunday, we will see. It isn't difficult.
But you're being very insincere. You're jumping from 7 nights (which is extreme) to 4 nights, which is commonplace.
Its really weird to me that you think meeting people takes that much energy, or is that difficult to schedule.
Keeping a house up isn't that hard. Work is work. This really isn't difficult. I would think most 30 and 40 somethings have no problem working, working out daily, and having a few social engagements every week. That is hardly extreme. If they're not, I'd be wondering why not. I think its complete bunk that you haven't seen this unless you hang out with very antisocial types.
Quote:
Originally Posted by usayit
People make time for what is important to them. There are people with full time very busy careers and still managed to spend time working out at the gym several times a week.
I hang out with my friends 3-4 times a week, I work a lot of hours plus a long commute, and I close/clean bar afterwards 2 of those days. My friends are also busy people as well. Sometimes we get together between midnight and 2am... its the best time for us.
Absolutely. Unless it is a band I really want to see, I rarely do the 1 am things on worknights anymore, but yeah, the rest is common.
I can't do every night, which is what I said I can't do. I can do 3-4 easily, and generally do. Tonight, beers with newish friend, tomorrow staying in (as of now), Wed a show in Boston (with a friend/FWB... Clan of Xymox is coming), Thurs and Sat nights working an event in Boston, Friday I will probably have a date (working on it). It isn't difficult.
But you're being very insincere. You're jumping from 7 nights (which is extreme) to 4 nights, which is commonplace.
Its really weird to me that you think meeting people takes that much energy, or is that difficult to schedule.
Keeping a house up isn't that hard. Work is work. This really isn't difficult. I would think most 30 and 40 somethings have no problem working, working out daily, and having a few social engagements every week. That is hardly extreme. If they're not, I'd be wondering why not. I think its complete bunk that you haven't seen this unless you hang out with very antisocial types.
No, timber, you're being insincere. You're jumping to 7 nights as you are the one who original said the polys you know routinely go out nearly every night. That was you. Remember?
I can't have an adult conversation with you if you continue to move the goalposts, so I'll just have to beg off from here. This simply isn't a logical conversation, I am very sorry.
I don't hang out with very antisocial types. I also don't hang out with women who manage to set up four sex-and-food dates per week in order to get food...as long as we're criticizing one another's choice of friends, LOL. I wonder at the convolutions in this conversation but then again...sometimes proving a point IS the point, eh? Thanks for your input, timber.
I was poly, from about August 2015 to July 2016. About a year. Had 4 partners. Fortunately 3 of them + me dated as a group unit, I don't think I'd have had so many otherwise. And for a while, I was out with the group, or with a partner or some configuration of partners, or at the club...out being social...fairly often. A few nights a week, maybe as many as 3-4 would not have been odd. But during that time, for the most part, I was living in my ex's house, and I DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE. So that was different. After I moved out, I'd hoped they would come visit me at my new apartment more, but they didn't (the group didn't; my one-off boyfriend did.) And the one I am now with monogamously is the boyfriend who felt like he integrated into my life, instead of forever expecting me to leave my son home alone with the cat and go do stuff out always, like the group did.
I loved my poly partners, still care about them a lot, they are dear to me as friends now. But it did not feel sustainable. Part of that was the energy limitations of being out so much, once home was a place I wanted to be. And my obligations to help my son rebuild his life once we got out of his Dad's house. When you have too much on your plate, sometimes, something has to give. I expect that what a person's limitations on their social life, it'll depend on various things like:
- Are they introvert/extrovert and to what degree?
- How strenuous is their employment? How is their energy level?
- Do they have kids?
- Do they have pets?
Stuff like that. Everybody has to find what works for them, that's all. For some it might be dating, partying, or socializing, many nights a week. For others, that sounds exhausting, and going on one date every couple weeks or more often if they are warming up to a relationship, would be better.
But it's a pretty common joke in the poly circles here (tell me there is no poly "scene" timber, I just got added to a "Colorado Springs Non-Monogamy" group on Facebook, without even being asked...) that Google Calendar is the poly person's best friend.
Regardless, I don't think that mono or poly is the relevant factor, just different people have different bandwidth for dating or whatever.
I was poly, from about August 2015 to July 2016. About a year. Had 4 partners. Fortunately 3 of them + me dated as a group unit, I don't think I'd have had so many otherwise. And for a while, I was out with the group, or with a partner or some configuration of partners, or at the club...out being social...fairly often. A few nights a week, maybe as many as 3-4 would not have been odd. But during that time, for the most part, I was living in my ex's house, and I DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE. So that was different. After I moved out, I'd hoped they would come visit me at my new apartment more, but they didn't (the group didn't; my one-off boyfriend did.) And the one I am now with monogamously is the boyfriend who felt like he integrated into my life, instead of forever expecting me to leave my son home alone with the cat and go do stuff out always, like the group did.
I loved my poly partners, still care about them a lot, they are dear to me as friends now. But it did not feel sustainable. Part of that was the energy limitations of being out so much, once home was a place I wanted to be. And my obligations to help my son rebuild his life once we got out of his Dad's house. When you have too much on your plate, sometimes, something has to give. I expect that what a person's limitations on their social life, it'll depend on various things like:
- Are they introvert/extrovert and to what degree?
- How strenuous is their employment? How is their energy level?
- Do they have kids?
- Do they have pets?
Stuff like that. Everybody has to find what works for them, that's all. For some it might be dating, partying, or socializing, many nights a week. For others, that sounds exhausting, and going on one date every couple weeks or more often if they are warming up to a relationship, would be better.
But it's a pretty common joke in the poly circles here (tell me there is no poly "scene" timber, I just got added to a "Colorado Springs Non-Monogamy" group on Facebook, without even being asked...) that Google Calendar is the poly person's best friend.
Regardless, I don't think that mono or poly is the relevant factor, just different people have different bandwidth for dating or whatever.
This is interesting. Thank you, Sonic.
Again, I thought it was odd when poly was pulled into the convo, as I don't feel the intent of the OP was a poly lifestyle sort of thing. These are not the same thing...poly, and just randomly doing multiple guys without telling the other guy(s); dating for food; etc.; etc. So it is interesting to hear a "from the trenches" POV.
i think this thread should be moved to the "fantasy" section.
lol! +1
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You may know a number of people who can get dressed up, find a venue and go out with people 4X/week (and in the case of the thread here, go to their place or yours, sleep with them, then go home, and go to bed for whatever time you can before work the next day), but you yourself say you "can't". And many people "can't." Especially if they have other commitments, like work, keeping up a house or apartment and so on.
That was you. Remember?
