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The usual response to these types of questions on this subsection of the forum, is to criticize the person asking the question, to make them feel 'abnormal' for feeling this way.
Not so yours truly. I don't think it's normal or cool at all for a boyfriend/girlfriend to suddenly 'reconnect' with an ex. Like you say, how would your boyfriend feel if you decided to have a private lunch or dinner with an ex.
It's nice to read THIS. My ex who broke up with me by texting me a pic of new GF (now finace - she called me to share this tid bit) I really wasn't that broken up over as I had moved 1300 miles away. But what I miss is our friendship - long conversations about life, politics, current events, etc. He and the missus decided on a no-contact policy with exes. Which sucks. I got over the hurt of the end of the affair, but moreover, really miss our friendship.
A relationship is IMPOSSIBLE due to life, living situations, etc, so I don't get the big deal, other than he did say to me he gets crazy jealous if the new missus even mentions an ex. I think it's insecurity on his part. And as an aside, his new lady, is a fat cow with a huge, and I mean HUGE nose.
Jealousy, lack of confidence, indecisiveness, and mistrust are traits that get old in a healthy relationship. If the boyfriend had any intention of cheating (and there's nothing to indicate that he did), cancelling a lunch won't change that. Bad outcome for the OP.
There is no reason for your bf to meet up with an ex.
For what purpose? To talk about the weather and sports?
Does he plan to make friends with her again? Why the need to catch up...he wants her back in his life? That means he is making room in his mind for her to occupy.
How sad for your bf that your insecurity prompted him to cancel seeing his old friend. Clearly he values his relationship with you, and probably understands that since it is new, he has to build confidence and trust. Still, it's sad that he has to forego an old connection for this.
I've stayed friends with a high school sweetheart for over 45 years. we see each other every year or two when I'm in town. My wife has come along when she is with me on a trip. Keeping that connection - and other friends from that time, both male and female - is important to me.
I will ask: do you have friends who were formerly more? If not, be glad you won't have to give them up, even though I think your new bf would be okay if you didn't.
How sad for your bf that your insecurity prompted him to cancel seeing his old friend.
Your relationship history is more, um, progressive than that of many here, though, and it doesn't mean the OP's hesitance is something she should be shamed for.
This situation is merely a wayfinder for them. They're learning about those relationship boundaries and setting them. If he had been uncomfortable about it, and is an emotionally healthy adult, then presumably he could have/would have protested and discussed it with her.
It's ok for couples to work out these points as they see fit. Not all "past connections" are worth keeping, and not everyone is capable of maintaining those connections in a way that isn't messy.
I think I personally would have been more comfortable with an outcome where he still went to the lunch, but we kept the lines of communication open and he told me how it went, and we came out of it feeling good as a couple to where a reconnection with an old ex turned friend didn't really shake us.
My main concern here, wouldn't be him sneaking a rendez-vous with this other person at some other time (though that's possible) it would be that he might feel resentful that his partner is trying to control him, his connections with others and his social activities.
I'd be trying to make the point that just because I have a feeling, does not necessarily mean he's got to take steps to "fix" a problem, it just means that I feel a certain way and would like him to be aware, and maybe treat me in caring ways as I work through it.
If I was the OP, I would take a break from him so he can decide exactly what he wants to do regarding his ex.
I would put the ball in his court.
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Which sucks. I got over the hurt of the end of the affair, but moreover, really miss our friendship.
I think it's insecurity on his part. And as an aside, his new lady, is a fat cow with a huge, and I mean HUGE nose. 
