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My husband is a little younger than me and has a short fuse.He can be very verbally abusive.He can just go on a relentless rant of blame without letting up even if I appeal to see both sides for ages.
Whenever we view an issue differently or simply misunderstand each other, I try to suggest we are both sensitive to each other’s feelings and view points.I would rather talk it out calmly and trying to understand each other.Either there is a misunderstanding or we can try find a compromise. Everyone’s feelings being valuable and not demeaned to me is important too. But, no matter how much I would like to be able to talk about issues with some rationality and try to talk him down, he reacts so emotionally and hysterically all the time.
He makes accusations and focuses on blame.He even threatens once he riled himself up enough. It doesn’t seem to matter if it’s possible to compromise and see both sides, he reacts with an insistence I am just wrong and he has the right to be self righteous and behave as he likes because of me. His responsibilities to the relationship go out the window and he has me as an excuse to behave hurtfully.
All I want is a calm life without constant drama queen antics. I have tried talking to him calmly and reasoning with him. He promises once he’s calmed down to try work on being reasonable and not instantly on attack but each time anything contentious comes up,even when it isn’t an issue and just a misunderstanding, he kicks off.
I don’t trust him to be caring towards my feelings and respectful to me but he demands I value his feelings.Its all so hypocritical to me.
Will he learn? Is it immaturity? What else can I do to encourage him to use diplomatic methods over hysteria and lashing out.Im not just going to walk out because he is argumentative but I’d like some solution. Anyway, I would appreciate views and advise.
My husband is a little younger than me and has a short fuse. He can be very verbally abusive. He can just go on a relentless rant of blame without letting up even if I appear to see both sides for ages.
Whenever we view an issue differently or simply misunderstand each other, I try to suggest we are both sensitive to each other’s feelings and view points. I would rather talk it out calmly and trying to understand each other. Either there is a misunderstanding or we can try find a compromise.
Everyone’s feelings being valuable and not demeaned to me is important too. But, no matter how much I would like to be able to talk about issues with some rationality and try to talk him down, he reacts so emotionally and hysterically all the time.
He makes accusations and focuses on blame. He even threatens once he riled himself up enough. It doesn’t seem to matter if it’s possible to compromise and see both sides, he reacts with an insistence I am just wrong and he has the right to be self righteous and behave as he likes because of me. His responsibilities to the relationship go out the window and he has me as an excuse to behave hurtfully.
All I want is a calm life without constant drama queen antics. I have tried talking to him calmly and reasoning with him. He promises once he’s calmed down to try work on being reasonable and not instantly on attack but each time anything contentious comes up,even when it isn’t an issue and just a misunderstanding, he kicks off.
I don’t trust him to be caring towards my feelings and respectful to me but he demands I value his feelings.Its all so hypocritical to me.
Will he learn? Is it immaturity? What else can I do to encourage him to use diplomatic methods over hysteria and lashing out. Im not just going to walk out because he is argumentative but I’d like some solution. Anyway, I would appreciate views and advise.
He is who he is. You seem very dramatic yourself. Like saying that you talk him down, lol. Is he a drug addict or so very suicidal, that you need to talk him down??
He cannot argue by himself. You have to participate. If you just calmly said I'm going to the store, and leave when he starts, he probably wouldn't continue long after you got out of earshot.
If you aren't going to walk out, then you just have to learn how to deal. And, hope it doesn't escalate to him becoming physical.
Last edited by ComeCloser; 05-12-2018 at 02:17 PM..
He's not the one seeking advice, so no, he probably has no desire to change.
One really shouldn't expect people to change.
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ComeCloser, We live together, I can’t go to the store every time he gets upset. I would never be in the house. “Talk him down” means he can shout and I ask him not to.That is what that means. If that seems dramatic from my side then I have no idea what to call what he does. I don’t increase the volume of my voice and in general I go in another room.
Amberreid, if you aren't going to walk out, then you just have to learn how to deal. And, hope it doesn't escalate to him becoming physical.As Mikala said, people don't usually change.He can change but why should he?You are right where he wants you and determined not to change that.
( And by “ not walk out” I mean I won’t divorce him for being argumentative. Of course, I often leave the place he is located in to avoid arguing further.Just in case that was not clear.)
( And by “ not walk out” I mean I won’t divorce him for being argumentative.
You realize that this :
Quote:
Originally Posted by AmberReid
But, no matter how much I would like to be able to talk about issues with some rationality and try to talk him down, he reacts so emotionally and hysterically all the time.
He makes accusations and focuses on blame.He even threatens once he riled himself up enough. It doesn’t seem to matter if it’s possible to compromise and see both sides, he reacts with an insistence I am just wrong and he has the right to be self righteous and behave as he likes because of me.
I don’t trust him to be caring towards my feelings and respectful to me but he demands I value his feelings.
... is not just "argumentative," don't you?
Do you understand that there is a basic lack of care and respect here that cannot be explained away by "immaturity"?
So by what you say, people can for example at the extreme be aggressive, violent, mean spirited, and why should they change? Let people continue as they are. Although I agree you can’t change a person or expect them to change, I think we see things differently there in some ways. I would want my partner to encourage the best in me if I displayed behaviour like that. If they didn’t care how I behaved they don’t care about what’s best for me.
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