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We decided to rent a spare room in our home and he hasn’t included me in the process. He offered the room to someone I had serious concerns about but was willing to overlook if we could all chat about expectations. He didn’t do a background check or get his last name prior to offering it. We eventually talked it out after two days of back and forth. But initially I was livid. I didn’t yell or curse, but when I’m mad I get very cold. And since I’m normally cheerful, it seems really bad. Of my friends, I’d say I’m on the nicer side when I’m angry.
During those discussions, he took off his ring. I pointed out that it hurt my feelings and he acknowledged how it would be hurtful and that he’d wear it. Then for the next three days he didn’t put it on. I asked him where it was yesterday and he lied to me and said he just took it off, when I knew he hadn’t worn it at all. I got pretty upset about this and he called it a white lie but it felt like a regular lie to me.
I think he lied to avoid an argument because I’m overbearing. I’ve caught him in lies lately about things we’ve talked about before. For instance, I’ve talked to him about working as a team on major decisions due to the rental issue, and the very next day he’ll be attempting to make them without me. When asked, he lies. I don’t want to be lied to. He’s moving to another country for six months and I’m already an insecure person so this is freaking me out - although I realize insecurity is my own problem and he can’t be subjected to it.
He has very bad social anxiety so he tried to tell everyone what they want to hear, including the renter. I don’t want to be told what I want to hear. How do I become more palatable?
I find it odd and concerning that you're blaming yourself for his lies. Telling people what they want to hear, even his fiancee, is not the way to handle decision-making as a couple, nor rule-setting for others. This is not going to work in a marriage. Is there a wedding date? If so, you might consider postponing it until you get this worked out. He has an avoidance coping style. That's not a functional style. "Social anxiety" has nothing to do with his interactions with you, except that it's caused an ingrained, habitual avoidance style of handling life in general, including his closest relationships. Does he lie to his parents and siblings as well?
BTW, he shouldn't be in charge of managing the rental. His inability to perform normal, standard screening procedures and rule-setting makes you both very vulnerable to all kinds of problems. It's a big safety issue, among other things.
Consider getting pre-marital counseling. Aside from going over the standard types of issues that couples need to discuss before getting hitched legally and economically to each other, the counselor, clergy person, or whoever, could provide an occasion for you to voice these concerns you have, and discuss healthy communication and problem-solving models.
And btw, if you're blaming yourself, and asking how to change yourself to become more palatable to him, it means you two aren't a good match. (Why has this only come up now? Hasn't he been lying to you all along? Or does the issue only arise when you two have important decisions to make together? If it's only come up now, be glad you saw this side of him now, before the wedding, instead of after. These are major issues HE has, not trivial matters caused by any insecurity of yours.) But since you two have come this far, go ahead and schedule some premarital counseling sessions, to see if things can be worked out.
The only problem is, if he gets the idea in the midst of counseling, that it's his chronic fibbing that's an obstacle to the marriage, he may decide to pretend to reform for you, only to revert to his avoidant type after the wedding.
Again, for clarity's sake: you're not "overbearing". That is not the problem. The problem is that you're engaged to a liar, who prefers to remove his engagement ring rather than discuss and work out MAJOR points of contention that HE has caused! He's given you a sneak preview of what marriage to him would look like.
This is what the engagement period is for, btw; it's to ferret out any potential significant problem areas BEFORE you're legally bound to each other. During dating, life is easy; you're both enjoying yourselves, and there are rarely any real-life situations that test the relationship. Now you have a home together (you bought a home together??), and important decisions need to be made. The relationship is now being tested, and SERIOUS issues are coming to the fore.
P.S. If you can't afford the home you bought, and have to rent out a room, I can't help wonder what the backstory to THAT is. Another instance of dysfunctional decision-making together? You two really jumped the gun, buying that home. Or did one of you already own a home?
I'm now starting to wonder what the "we've been through a lot" part of your post is about. What kinds of issues are hiding behind that statement? How long have you two been a couple?
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-23-2018 at 08:51 AM..
We decided to rent a spare room in our home and he hasn’t included me in the process. He offered the room to someone I had serious concerns about but was willing to overlook if we could all chat about expectations. He didn’t do a background check or get his last name prior to offering it. We eventually talked it out after two days of back and forth. But initially I was livid. I didn’t yell or curse, but when I’m mad I get very cold. And since I’m normally cheerful, it seems really bad. Of my friends, I’d say I’m on the nicer side when I’m angry.
During those discussions, he took off his ring. I pointed out that it hurt my feelings and he acknowledged how it would be hurtful and that he’d wear it. Then for the next three days he didn’t put it on. I asked him where it was yesterday and he lied to me and said he just took it off, when I knew he hadn’t worn it at all. I got pretty upset about this and he called it a white lie but it felt like a regular lie to me.
I think he lied to avoid an argument because I’m overbearing. I’ve caught him in lies lately about things we’ve talked about before. For instance, I’ve talked to him about working as a team on major decisions due to the rental issue, and the very next day he’ll be attempting to make them without me. When asked, he lies. I don’t want to be lied to. He’s moving to another country for six months and I’m already an insecure person so this is freaking me out - although I realize insecurity is my own problem and he can’t be subjected to it.
He has very bad social anxiety so he tried to tell everyone what they want to hear, including the renter. I don’t want to be told what I want to hear. How do I become more palatable?
OP, he lies and makes major life decisions without your input. For God's sake, he agreed to rent a room to someone without even know their last name and you're going to be living with this person alone while he's away for six months! Based on that alone, you should have the final say.
I don't know about other scenarios, but in this one - you're not overbearing. If you feel like you're overbearing because he tells you you're overbearing, look up the term gaslighting.
I think him being away for 6 months is a good thing for you. You should really take this time apart to explore if this is how you want your life to be.
We did agree I would be in charge of handling the roommate and that we’d make him pass a background check per the listing.
I don’t think he lies to his family, but I don’t really know. This is the first instances of catching him lying to me. I always felt like he was pretty honest even when the truth sucked, which is why I think he’s lying to avoid arguing, not that that’s a good reason. He has been pretty overwhelmed lately, but the majority of things I ask him to do, he comes through. That’s why I think my approach is what needs work.
As far as we’ve been through a lot, I mean long distance for work, my mom not talking to me for four months bc I didn’t see her enough, a prior awful roommate, and that we both work full time and go to school full time.
We don’t own the home together. We’re renting the room to save more money prior to graduate school. We each save a lot of money each month now ($15K per year each). Finances are definitely not a concern for either of us.
At any rate, premarital counseling when I have insurance sounds like a good idea, especially now that we both are feeling better overall.
First, you say he lies due to social anxiety, which causes him to tell people what they want to hear. Then, you say he doesn't really lie, it's only been recently, ostensibly due to stress. What's more stressful about his life now? You two have been working full time and going to school full time for your whole undergrad experience, it sounds like, and moved in together some time ago, judging by the prior roommate issue you mentioned, so what's suddenly so "overwhelming" to him now?
I don't know what to believe. But I think you should consider the the lying, and taking off the engagement ring in a time of conflicting ideas about how to handle a simple rental, to be red flags. Don't downplay this, or excuse it away. Keep your eyes open, going forward.
You already have had a bad roommate situation to deal with, but you're renting out a room, anyway? What will the background check entail--hopefully a credit check, and checking references from past LL's.
So, has a wedding date been set? I hope not. I think you need a lot more time to observe this partnership, and how it unfolds in the future.
What's with these open-ended engagements, these days? I wonder if people don't understand the concept of getting engaged. It doesn't mean, "OK, we're going to live together now, for awhile, and to prove we're committed to each other, we're going to get engaged". There's more to it than that.
He should've definitely talked to you about who he rented the space out to. Especially since it impacts you and your finances, potentially. By not including you in the process, you could have picked someone who can be a nightmare for you when you rent out.
Also, seems like you two aren't on the same page. If you can't even communicate about the rental stuff, what other stuff will you not be able to communicate? Going cold isn't a good way to solve a problem. Best way is to talk about it. I sense that the lack of communication is going to wreck your relationship in the long run. I'd cut out the silent treatment immediately and let your feelings be known.
Are you two subletting a room in a house you are renting??? Did I read that?
If so, that's probably a violation of your lease.
As for your "overbearing personality," you may not be overbearing at all. He may not be able to tolerate confrontation. People who have a ton of anxiety often procrastinate, avoid and lie in order to get out of an uncomfortable confrontation.
If that is the case with him, he won't make a very good long-term partner.
In my opinion, your anger about the rental situation is justified, but staying "cold" for three days is not. It's passive-aggressive and childish.
What’s with your health insurance and why don’t you have it already? Is this something he’s making you wait on? Your whole story is a bit screwy.
You’re an adult and need to be taking care of yourself. Insurance is not debateable. You don’t need to rent a room. You need to move out.
I was wondering about the odd health insurance situation, too. OP says she's been working full time while in school, so she should have health insurance, unless she's in some kind of university-sponsored student position, but those aren't full time usually. Even if her employer doesn't offer insurance, she's required to have health insurance under the Affordable Care Act.
OP, how do you submit your income tax return, without proof of insurance? It's required.
And while we're at it, identifying oddities in the story, it's a little unusual that undergrads would move in together, making a "home" together, and get "engaged", while still working on their BA's. Not unheard of, but unusual, at, say, 19 or 20. How old are you guys, OP? How long have you been: a) dating, b) living together in your rented home, and c) "engaged" ? That's a lot of ground to cover during the undergrad years, and you're not graduating yet, it sounds like, so all of that happened by the time you were in your Junior year, if not earlier?
It really helps to provide the forum with sufficient background info, that people have solid ground to base their advice on.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-23-2018 at 02:19 PM..
We decided to rent a spare room in our home and he hasn’t included me in the process. He offered the room to someone I had serious concerns about but was willing to overlook if we could all chat about expectations. He didn’t do a background check or get his last name prior to offering it. We eventually talked it out after two days of back and forth. But initially I was livid. I didn’t yell or curse, but when I’m mad I get very cold. And since I’m normally cheerful, it seems really bad. Of my friends, I’d say I’m on the nicer side when I’m angry.
During those discussions, he took off his ring. I pointed out that it hurt my feelings and he acknowledged how it would be hurtful and that he’d wear it. Then for the next three days he didn’t put it on. I asked him where it was yesterday and he lied to me and said he just took it off, when I knew he hadn’t worn it at all. I got pretty upset about this and he called it a white lie but it felt like a regular lie to me.
I think he lied to avoid an argument because I’m overbearing. I’ve caught him in lies lately about things we’ve talked about before. For instance, I’ve talked to him about working as a team on major decisions due to the rental issue, and the very next day he’ll be attempting to make them without me. When asked, he lies. I don’t want to be lied to. He’s moving to another country for six months and I’m already an insecure person so this is freaking me out - although I realize insecurity is my own problem and he can’t be subjected to it.
He has very bad social anxiety so he tried to tell everyone what they want to hear, including the renter. I don’t want to be told what I want to hear. How do I become more palatable?
I think you have a valid concern about him offering a stranger that you did not approve to live with you. Especially as a female that makes you more vulnerable to certain issues.
But him taking off a ring is a non issue that is you focusing on the wrong thing. IMO you should focus less on the fodder and more on the core issues. What exactly is your criteria In a roommate and what is your expected role in the approval process.
Starting from this perspective is a position of strength and reason whereas heresay rings and caddyiness is a non starter.
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You two really jumped the gun, buying that home. Or did one of you already own a home?
