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Over a year ago, I was sitting in a doctor's waiting room, casually leafing through a magazine. Suddenly, I was drawn to an article about a successful architect in California, and I got a shock. There he was, the man I had loved so much 40 years ago, my first real love! The tall, blond, charming boy from a well-to-do family who had shown an interest in me, the not-so-pretty, not-so-smart poor country girl. We were both 20 years old, and that was all we had in common. I looked up to him, and poured all my hopes for a better life into him.
I was so shy I never told him how much I cared for him though.
Perhaps that's why he walked away after only a few months together, or perhaps he realized I was not the one for him, and lost interest. I'll never know.
What I know though is that it took me about two years to recover from the loss and the pain. I never heard from him again. That was so long ago now.
When internet came, I tried finding him out of curiosity, see what he was doing, if he was married, but never did, and perhaps that was just as well.
Eventually I moved on, went to university, travelled, met some other boys, married one. My husband and I had some really beautiful years together. He is a caring and gentle person and I would never want to hurt him.
Still, we soon slowly but surely started to drift apart.
We both lost our jobs in 2008 when our company went bust. We started our own, but didn't do well at all and things are pretty hard at the moment moneywise.
Also, we didn't have children, and it feels empty and lonely in our house. We seem to live separate lives under the same roof today, and we sometimes have bitter conversations. I am not even sure we love each other any more.
Then I see this article in the magazine at the doctor's, and the past I had thought buried for ever suddenly jumps at me, and with it the pain and the regrets.
The photograph in the corner shows a still good-looking man with a beautiful wife at his side, four smiling grown-up children and possibly their grandchildren around them. They are sitting in front of a beautifully-designed house, most probably his work.
For me it was too much to bear! I remained in a state of shock for several days.
Now I think about him every day. I don't sleep much at night, imagining hypothetical encounters, conversations with him alone, wondering if he remembers me and how. The funny thing though is that I know my love for him is dead now, and I am definitely certain I don't want a relationship of any kind with him. It's just that he represents all I wanted from life and never got. It's like a poor kid staring at the bright Christmas decorations in a shop window, he just can't turn away.
I can't turn away, I just can't get this man out of my head, and the pain and the regrets don't seem to go away.
Sometimes I wonder if seeing him again and hearing his voice could break the spell, I don't know. And I feel pathetic!
Well, all I can say, get over it and be content with your life which sounds pretty nice to me. Seeing him again in my opinion would be of no help, why put yourself thru more?
We all have our what ifs. He is one of yours. And one thing about that article...believe it or not, his life isn't perfect either. You would be much better off looking for more joy in your own life! Do something that will serve YOU well. This guy is just a fantasy.
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