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This is my first time posting in this forum so I am hoping to get some good advice.
My boyfriend and I started dating in May 2015. Our relationship was great the first 5 months until things started to go downhill. We had both just left to university (the same one), and my boyfriend decided to rush a fraternity. This changed him completely and his friends really influenced him into wanting to live the "single crazy college life". I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend because I didnt think I was he was making me a priority anymore. The day after I broke up with him, he hooked up with a girl he used to hook up with back in high school. He didnt tell me. and We got back together 2 weeks later. Fast forward to August 2016, he decides he wants to break up with me. He said he didnt want to be in a relationship anymore and he was sick of us always being on and off and he really just wanted to "enjoy college and have fun". That night, he got wasted, saw an old friend that used to be obsessed with him, and took her home. The DAY we broke up. Again, he didn't tell me, and begged for me back a week later.
Ever since then, my boyfriend has changed DRAMATICALLY. He dropped his fraternity, he stopped drinking how he used to, he made me his number one priority, and honestly just became an entirely different man. We have had an AMAZING relationship since August 2016, until last July (2017), he confessed everything he had done while we were broken up for those short amount of times.
I felt so betrayed and horrible because i had asked him MILLIONS of times if he was with anyone, especially those two girls because I had seen texts between them when we got back together. He told me he didnt want there to be any secrets, he realized how much he really loved me, wanted to take our relationship to the next level, and was just scared to tell me and lose me for decisions he made when he was a "completely different person". I am CONFIDENT that he would never do those things again, i mean he is seriously so so different now and has been so mature and loving and honest and just ADORES me in a completely different way than in the beginning of our relationship.
My problem is...i cant stop thinking about it. I cant stop thinking what if there is more, what if he did more 2-3 years ago...what if he is still lying about the past. Why did he make the decision to leave me and was so quick to jump into bed with these two women. Its driving me insane.
He tells me every single time i mention it that it was a phase, and he didnt know what he wanted, and it was the college town and his friends and he just lost himself and thought he was "cool". He knows he's incredibly good looking and he knows how many girls he could've gotten with and didnt want to be in a relationship all of college. He said after those incidents it really hit him that it just wasnt him and it wasnt what he wanted. He realized he was over being this way and he wanted me more than anything and he didn't care to miss out on this "crazy time in college".
It is almost going to be a year since he finally admitted everything to me and I still think about it daily. I want to forgive and move on and stop obsessing about it and just appreciate the man i have in front of me today, the man he has been for almost 2 years now, and the man im going to have in the future. I want to forget his 19 year old behavior and just be HAPPY with him. I want to just not CARE if there was more in the past, and just focus on who he has been and who he is today and all the potential are relationship has for the future. but for some reason... its so hard for me. I am so scared to trust again, and get blindsided randomly with some more past-stories and go down that spiral again. I don't want to be hurt again. But I feel like I am looking for that hurt by always mentioning it and trying to find him lying about something. it isn't fair to EITHER of us and i just want to stop. I want to love him and just be happy. He is everything I want in a man now and is truly amazing. My friends and family adore him, I adore him, I love how he is with me now and has been, and I just want to focus on that.
Please help. Any advice is appreciated. Ultimately I just want to know how much time should I give myself to move forward, and how I can stop obsessing about the past and the possibility of there being more incidents 2-3 years ago, when our relationship wasnt even healthy and I wasnt happy. I am so happy now with him and I want to marry him in the future and I just want to accept that he was a young college kid, who made stupid decisions, was immature and selfish, but has grown and changed so much for me and has become the man I deserve.
This is my first time posting in this forum so I am hoping to get some good advice.
My boyfriend and I started dating in May 2015. Our relationship was great the first 5 months until things started to go downhill. We had both just left to university (the same one), and my boyfriend decided to rush a fraternity. This changed him completely and his friends really influenced him into wanting to live the "single crazy college life". I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend because I didnt think I was he was making me a priority anymore. The day after I broke up with him, he hooked up with a girl he used to hook up with back in high school. He didnt tell me. and We got back together 2 weeks later. Fast forward to August 2016, he decides he wants to break up with me. He said he didnt want to be in a relationship anymore and he was sick of us always being on and off and he really just wanted to "enjoy college and have fun". That night, he got wasted, saw an old friend that used to be obsessed with him, and took her home. The DAY we broke up. Again, he didn't tell me, and begged for me back a week later.
Ever since then, my boyfriend has changed DRAMATICALLY. He dropped his fraternity, he stopped drinking how he used to, he made me his number one priority, and honestly just became an entirely different man. We have had an AMAZING relationship since August 2016, until last July (2017), he confessed everything he had done while we were broken up for those short amount of times.
I felt so betrayed and horrible because i had asked him MILLIONS of times if he was with anyone, especially those two girls because I had seen texts between them when we got back together. He told me he didnt want there to be any secrets, he realized how much he really loved me, wanted to take our relationship to the next level, and was just scared to tell me and lose me for decisions he made when he was a "completely different person". I am CONFIDENT that he would never do those things again, i mean he is seriously so so different now and has been so mature and loving and honest and just ADORES me in a completely different way than in the beginning of our relationship.
My problem is...i cant stop thinking about it. I cant stop thinking what if there is more, what if he did more 2-3 years ago...what if he is still lying about the past. Why did he make the decision to leave me and was so quick to jump into bed with these two women. Its driving me insane.
He tells me every single time i mention it that it was a phase, and he didnt know what he wanted, and it was the college town and his friends and he just lost himself and thought he was "cool". He knows he's incredibly good looking and he knows how many girls he could've gotten with and didnt want to be in a relationship all of college. He said after those incidents it really hit him that it just wasnt him and it wasnt what he wanted. He realized he was over being this way and he wanted me more than anything and he didn't care to miss out on this "crazy time in college".
It is almost going to be a year since he finally admitted everything to me and I still think about it daily. I want to forgive and move on and stop obsessing about it and just appreciate the man i have in front of me today, the man he has been for almost 2 years now, and the man im going to have in the future. I want to forget his 19 year old behavior and just be HAPPY with him. I want to just not CARE if there was more in the past, and just focus on who he has been and who he is today and all the potential are relationship has for the future. but for some reason... its so hard for me. I am so scared to trust again, and get blindsided randomly with some more past-stories and go down that spiral again. I don't want to be hurt again. But I feel like I am looking for that hurt by always mentioning it and trying to find him lying about something. it isn't fair to EITHER of us and i just want to stop. I want to love him and just be happy. He is everything I want in a man now and is truly amazing. My friends and family adore him, I adore him, I love how he is with me now and has been, and I just want to focus on that.
Please help. Any advice is appreciated. Ultimately I just want to know how much time should I give myself to move forward, and how I can stop obsessing about the past and the possibility of there being more incidents 2-3 years ago, when our relationship wasnt even healthy and I wasnt happy. I am so happy now with him and I want to marry him in the future and I just want to accept that he was a young college kid, who made stupid decisions, was immature and selfish, but has grown and changed so much for me and has become the man I deserve.
It's a shame he "confessed" all that to you. It was unnecessary and not at all relevant to the health of your relationship.
What brought on his dramatic change in personality?
Honestly, I think you two should have stayed apart. You can't forgive or trust him, which dooms your future together.
Well, he confessed because I would ask ALL the time because I knew i was being lied to. I just wanted him to be honest, and I am happy he decided to finally tell me. A relationship shouldn't have any lies, and I am glad he finally realized that. It is better to deal with it, forgive, and eventually recover, than knowing i married a man that lied to me for years.
Im not sure what brought this on to be honest. I just know what he's told me and he just said he was sick of having a rocky relationship and making stupid choices. He realized after the last girl how he was acting and how it wasnt worth it, so he decided to change. He realized that just because his friends were doing things, and how he always thought college would be for him... that losing me wasnt worth it. And he knew he had to change.
I'll take you at face value that he is SUPER AWESOME and TOTALLY TRUSTWORTHY now.
You either forgive him and be happy or you don't and you pick fights about this later. This is on you. There's no point going forward if you can't let go.
Well, he confessed because I would ask ALL the time because I knew i was being lied to. I just wanted him to be honest, and I am happy he decided to finally tell me. A relationship shouldn't have any lies, and I am glad he finally realized that. It is better to deal with it, forgive, and eventually recover, than knowing i married a man that lied to me for years.
Well, um, so you hounded him and he finally confessed. Yet you still can't forgive ...
Quote:
Originally Posted by florida1996
Im not sure what brought this on to be honest. I just know what he's told me and he just said he was sick of having a rocky relationship and making stupid choices. He realized after the last girl how he was acting and how it wasnt worth it, so he decided to change. He realized that just because his friends were doing things, and how he always thought college would be for him... that losing me wasnt worth it. And he knew he had to change.
Losing you wasn't worth it. Or hearing you ask him all the time wasn't worth it? He is not receiving the benefits of being honest with you because you still cannot trust him now.
Does he know that you think about this all the time and cannot forgive him?
He didnt tell me, because he didnt want to LOSE me for decisions he made drunk while he was upset and we were BROKEN UP. He decided to tell me because we were at a really good point in our relationship and we were very happy with one another and he wanted to move in together and didnt want there to be any secrets in our relationship. He knows how much I value honesty, i have never once lied to him, so he wanted to fess up and be a man and give me what a deserve, which was honesty. He knew I didnt deserve to be lied to anymore and he knew at that point that he saw a long future with me and didnt want there to be any lies.
He knows. Because I still talk about it or bring it up sometimes. Just expressing that I am still hurt, or my major problem, which is the worry that there is still more I don't know. He responds to that by saying what would be the point in still lying, why would he ever confess and still decide to lie, and that he is happy with the man he is and has become and he understands I might doubt him for a while and try to find him in another lie, but he knows im going to be proven wrong every time because there isn't anything I don't know. He loves me and he wants to fix this and knows its going to take time. We are usually very very happy and loving and we are great together, just SOME DAYS are harder than others, and SOME DAYS I bring it up and cant get over it. But he is very aware.
If it happened just a few hours after the relationship ended, it is acceptable behavior. For some women, this could be construed as a positive. If a man is so desirable that he can have sex with another woman just hours after a breakup, that demonstrates his value as a partner.
He decided to tell me because we were at a really good point in our relationship and we were very happy with one another and he wanted to move in together and didnt want there to be any secrets in our relationship.
This ^^^ is naive and flawed thinking.
Quote:
Originally Posted by florida1996
He knows how much I value honesty, i have never once lied to him, so he wanted to fess up and be a man and give me what a deserve, which was honesty. He knew I didnt deserve to be lied to anymore and he knew at that point that he saw a long future with me and didnt want there to be any lies.
Again, how is he benefiting from this "honesty"? How long will you hold this over his head? Were you not broken up while this all happened?
Quote:
Originally Posted by florida1996
...or my major problem, which is the worry that there is still more I don't know.
What could be worse than what you are already imagining?
Well, what could be worse is that I see him as this amazing changed honest man that I love more than I ever have... only to be fooled that there were more women, or worse... that there was a woman while we were actually TOGETHER back then. That is my biggest fear. My fear is that I accept him, love him HARD more than ever, trust him completely about the past, only to one day wake up from a message from a girl saying she was with him back then. Aka that in this period of happiness and "changed" man, he was still lying. I expected it back then because our relationship was rocky and I was tough and over-critical with him and I was young and I don't believe i was caring enough whatsoever, and I know he was in college and wasnt thinking long term. But if i were to find out he was still lying about the past NOW, at the point we are, that we've lived together now, were so committed and serious, and were out of college and thinking very long term. I would be devestated. because I truly believe he is being honest and were in a completely new chapter of our lives and working towards recovering from the past. I don't want to recover from this, only to be hurt and blindsided again if something new were to come up.
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