Women who want presents from men (marriages, friend, couples, partner)
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For discussion purposes, is it wrong for women to expect men to give them flowers, take them out on special occasions (birthday, V day, etc), buy them presents? And then get their feelings hurt if it doesn't happen?
I believe that's always been called taking the man for granted. Just staying with him for what he can give you. I dated one like that, but it was her dad's fault. He was disabled and had very little money coming in but, any time this girl saw a concert or "championship wrestling ( the fake crap on TV) event anywhere in a 200 mile radius or so from home, he bought her tickets, drove her there, and sat out in the car while she was inside. She expected me to buy all those tickets while we were dating. We didn't make it to the first concert she wanted to go to.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke
By the way, men get their feelings hurt if their birthday isn't remembered and they hope to receive holiday presents.
Oregon, I have 3 kids, 3 step kids (all 6 adults), 18 grand and step grandkids, and 5 step great grandkids. On my birthday, it's just like any other day. I'll get a couple phone calls or text messages and a card from our church. At Christmas my wife and I get presents for both of us, not individually. It doesn't bother me a bit.
For discussion purposes, is it wrong for women to expect men to give them flowers, take them out on special occasions (birthday, V day, etc), buy them presents? And then get their feelings hurt if it doesn't happen?
OK, I'll give this a great big roaring "Yes."
But it's so easy because I don't give a fart in a jug for birthday celebrations - I think they are silly after age ten, and holidays are largely a commercialized PITA. But I would crawl over glass to have coffees and chat or dinner out with someone I like, and it feels like being five years old at Christmastime again on those occasions.
But I have to admit that my attitudes are seriously atypical and even offensive to your average human critter.
My mother told me a story about my grandparents once.
My grandfather was always saying he didn't care about presents, gift-giving on birthdays was ridiculous and so on.
Then on one of my grandfather's birthdays, my grandmother got up in the morning, gave him a kiss, told him "happy birthday" and that was it. She was loving toward him like always but she had skipped all the silly stuff he complained about.
Apparently, by the end of the day my grandfather had an expression on his face like his dog had died. Eventually my grandmother couldn't stand it anymore and put him out of his misery by pulling the presents she'd bought him out of their hiding place and giving to them.
He never whined about how stupid presents were again.
It's funny, the things we actually DO expect without realizing it, and how it comes down more to being appreciated, noticed and just having something special done for us, than actual money. That should be pretty clear by the fact that married couples who share their every cent (not every couple does, I'm talking specifically about those who do) "buy" one another gifts. It's not the actual money, they could buy themselves what they need or want.
DH and I will probably agree to exchange one gift for the year, usually xmas. I prefer to not even do that, but it makes DH happy. So we buy the other something we wouldn't buy for ourselves like a drone or a camera lens.
The important part is to communicate what is important to you. Are someone who enjoys receiving/gifts, then say so, if not, say so too.
Guessing games cause problems.
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But it's so easy because I don't give a fart in a jug for birthday celebrations - I think they are silly after age ten, and holidays are largely a commercialized PITA. But I would crawl over glass to have coffees and chat or dinner out with someone I like, and it feels like being five years old at Christmastime again on those occasions.
But I have to admit that my attitudes are seriously atypical and even offensive to your average human critter.
Well, you see, the above is about what YOU prefer.
It isn't about what the other person might prefer.
When you do something for someone else because you know it will mean a lot to him/her...well...that's what means a lot.
Not doing something for someone else because you personally don't need it for yourself isn't really a moral stance, it's more of a self-centered (different from selfish) one.
That's why when someone does something for you - even if it isn't something YOU want - it means so much.
I coconut oiled my husband's hair (he has long hair) the other night and brushed it for him. I don't really like having my own hair brushed but I know he loves the feeling. If I didn't do it because I couldn't give a fart for having my own hair brushed how meaningful would that be?
DH and I will probably agree to exchange one gift for the year, usually xmas. I prefer to not even do that, but it makes DH happy. So we buy the other something we wouldn't buy for ourselves like a drone or a camera lens.
The important part is to communicate what is important to you. Are someone who enjoys receiving/gifts, then say so, if not, say so too.
Both of you are spot-on. However, the problem isn't women's expectations in and of themselves. It's a woman's (as well as a man's) right to levy certain expectations on their SO. The real problem is that expectation are levied unevenly and/or unfairly. Women (or at least women whose love language is gifts) don't expect gifts from naturally desirable men. A relationship with such a man is a gift by itself. Women only expect gifts from stable providers they settled down with. Because women aren't naturally attracted to these men, the gifts received are basically stand-ins for the missing attraction.
So, that's why men are unhappy with being expected to deliver gifts. After all, stable providers are the majority of men, and they're the ones expected to deliver gifts. It's not about having to spend money; it's about the unfairness of it.
This will probably be the most bizarre thing I read all year.
I've been in LTR with guys that were super attractive and with guys that probably wouldn't get a second look from most women. My 'expectations' as far as gift giving were the same with all of them, as in all I wanted was an acknowledgement that I mattered. Cook me dinner, wash my car, sing me a song that means something special, kiss me like you never want it to end, anything like that makes me feel more special than some store bought gift.
To me it's kind of like this, getting flowers on my b'day or on valentines day is nice but not special, because it's something you did because society says it the thing to do, whereas getting flowers on some random day just because you want to remind me how loved I am, well that's very special. Regardless of how 'naturally desirable' you might be.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke
This is the first time I've ever heard of sweetest day.
Nothing says I never think about you, I don't care whether or not you are happy, you aren't important to me, like ignoring birthdays, Christmas, anniversery.
Men receive gifts for no reason, too. Maybe not flowers, but something special cooked for dinner, his new underwear or new shirts because he refuses to shop for it himself, maybe his vacation designed and booked for him because he won't do it for himself, things brought back from shopping trips for him like a new video picked up while in town. Just because it doesn't get gift wrapped doesn't mean it is not a gift.
Amen!
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
That's why when someone does something for you - even if it isn't something YOU want - it means so much.
I coconut oiled my husband's hair (he has long hair) the other night and brushed it for him. I don't really like having my own hair brushed but I know he loves the feeling. If I didn't do it because I couldn't give a fart for having my own hair brushed how meaningful would that be?
KWIM?
Wait, what? So if your husband decided that he wanted to brush your hair (because he considers it enjoyable) then you would find that a loving gesture, even though it means he is unaware or doesn't care that you don't like it?
Both in a relationship/marriage should pay special attention, be loving, tolerant, compassionate, committed, patient, trusting, loyal, honest, and forgiving. These are the gifts required to build and sustain a healthy union.
Tangible presents and celebrating occasions are always special and create fond memories.
Wait, what? So if your husband decided that he wanted to brush your hair (because he considers it enjoyable) then you would find that a loving gesture, even though it means he is unaware or doesn't care that you don't like it?
Huh? No, I was saying the exact opposite. I was saying you do something for the other person because you know it was what s/he liked...not because it is something you would like. Go back and re-read.
Huh? No, I was saying the exact opposite. I was saying you do something for the other person because you know it was what s/he liked...not because it is something you would like. Go back and re-read.
Maybe I'm interpreting it wrong but when you said "That's why when someone does something for you - even if it isn't something YOU want - it means so much." To me that reads that if I don't want it, it should still mean something when someone does that thing for me. I get what you're saying, I think the wording of it confused me.
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