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Maybe I'm interpreting it wrong but when you said "That's why when someone does something for you - even if it isn't something YOU want - it means so much." To me that reads that if I don't want it, it should still mean something when someone does that thing for me. I get what you're saying, I think the wording of it confused me.
I meant "they," it was a typo. You can't honestly think I meant people should want what they don't want.
Do you see the context, by any chance? Simple mistake.
Well, think about it. Stereotypically, men in LTR's/marriages are required to provide a laundry list of presents every year. Now, I understand that there some non-mainstream relationships, like Sonic_Spork's. But I'm talking about the LTR "rules" society pushes down on people, to help what I call "the relationship industry". Here they are, in no particular order.
1. Christmas/Hanukkah
2. Birthday
3. Valentine's Day
4. Sweetest Day
6. Wedding anniversary
7. "Just because" (1 or more)
8. "Get out of the dog house" gift (1 or more)
Christmas/Hanukkah and birthday are mutual. But most other occasions are mostly one-sided: from man to woman. And woe be to the man who forgets one! Now, it's not too hard to put in gift reminders on my Outlook calendar at work, and program it to send me a reminder text (which I can promptly delete). But it's not right that I have to do it, while my hypothetical wife/girlfriend doesn't.
You HAVE to do it? You mean under pain of death or something? Who is forcing you to do something you don’t want to do and how are they doing it?
You HAVE to do it? You mean under pain of death or something? Who is forcing you to do something you don’t want to do and how are they doing it?
Well, but really. If someone has a problem giving the person to whom they've committed their life a b-day present and Winter Holiday Of Choice present, maybe they're not ready to participate in human society. OR, maybe they should look for someone who feels similarly, or who doesn't care about getting presents, so they can agree from the outset to skip those particular tokens of affection. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as the other partner doesn't find it cheap or oppressive or something.
Let's back up a minute. Do the bros who write these blogs buy holiday presents for their parents? Do they at least send each parent a card on their b-days? Or are they advocating opting out of the nurturance of childhood, because of the horrific burden of having to acknowledge their parents a couple of times/year in adulthood?
Mill-Urb? What say you? Do you buy your parents presents on special occasions?
Well, but really. If someone has a problem giving the person to whom they've committed their life a b-day present and Winter Holiday Of Choice present, maybe they're not ready to participate in human society. OR, maybe they should look for someone who feels similarly, or who doesn't care about getting presents, so they can agree from the outset to skip those particular tokens of affection. There's nothing wrong with that, as long as the other partner doesn't find it cheap or oppressive or something.
Let's back up a minute. Do the bros who write these blogs buy holiday presents for their parents? Do they at least send each parent a card on their b-days? Or are they advocating opting out of the nurturance of childhood, because of the horrific burden of having to acknowledge their parents a couple of times/year in adulthood?
Mill-Urb? What say you? Do you buy your parents presents on special occasions?
Exactly:
All most women want is a token of appreciation and love from time to time. It doesn’t have to be anything in particular or anything expensive.
I meant "they," it was a typo. You can't honestly think I meant people should want what they don't want.
Do you see the context, by any chance? Simple mistake.
Yes, you're interpreting it wrong.
I thought you might have meant that people should be grateful for whatever they were offered, even if it wasn't something they wanted. Your typo changed the context and I wasn't entirely certain what you were getting at, which is why I asked.
Let's back up a minute. Do the bros who write these blogs buy holiday presents for their parents? Do they at least send each parent a card on their b-days? Or are they advocating opting out of the nurturance of childhood, because of the horrific burden of having to acknowledge their parents a couple of times/year in adulthood?
Mill-Urb? What say you? Do you buy your parents presents on special occasions?
Yes, I do buy presents for my family on special occasions. Thoughtful ones, too.
Those websites focus on romantic relationships; family relationships are beyond their scope. In fact, they praise traditional families, by saying that people in your family (of origin) are the only people that will love you unconditionally. In contrast to a romantic partner, whose "love" is contingent on attraction and desire.
Well, think about it. Stereotypically, men in LTR's/marriages are required to provide a laundry list of presents every year. Now, I understand that there some non-mainstream relationships, like Sonic_Spork's. But I'm talking about the LTR "rules" society pushes down on people, to help what I call "the relationship industry". Here they are, in no particular order.
1. Christmas/Hanukkah
2. Birthday
3. Valentine's Day
4. Sweetest Day
6. Wedding anniversary
7. "Just because" (1 or more)
8. "Get out of the dog house" gift (1 or more)
Christmas/Hanukkah and birthday are mutual. But most other occasions are mostly one-sided: from man to woman. And woe be to the man who forgets one! Now, it's not too hard to put in gift reminders on my Outlook calendar at work, and program it to send me a reminder text (which I can promptly delete). But it's not right that I have to do it, while my hypothetical wife/girlfriend doesn't.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gusano
You HAVE to do it? You mean under pain of death or something? Who is forcing you to do something you don’t want to do and how are they doing it?
Yeah...MU is always feeling societally forced to do stuff he hates to do, relationship-wise...instead of finding a woman he's actually compatible with. Maybe he just assumes all women are the same - in a bad way - or hasn't bothered to really look around.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,701 posts, read 41,775,771 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MillennialUrbanist
Yes, I do buy presents for my family on special occasions. Thoughtful ones, too.
Those websites focus on romantic relationships; family relationships are beyond their scope. In fact, they praise traditional families, by saying that people in your family (of origin) are the only people that will love you unconditionally. In contrast to a romantic partner, whose "love" is contingent on attraction and desire.
I would love to contribute to that site about how much unconditional love I’ve gotten from my family of origin (save for my mother) who refers to me and my mother as the uppity n_____ who moved North. Yeah all love is conditional but there is far from a guarantee you’ll get it from family of origin. Hell the ex-girlfriend who got on my nerves loved me more than most my own blood family.
I would love to contribute to that site about how much unconditional love I’ve gotten from my family of origin (save for my mother) who refers to me and my mother as the uppity n_____ who moved North. Yeah all love is conditional but there is far from a guarantee you’ll get it from family of origin. Hell the ex-girlfriend who got on my nerves loved me more than most my own blood family.
Right??
My family of origin pretty much wrote me off a long time ago. I mean, my Mom still cares about me, but she's a train wreck and I don't want her to live anywhere near me, lest she pull me into her chaos vortex and drain every resource I have to my name. And my Great Aunt, the last really wonderful relative I had a good relationship with, died nearly 7 years ago.
Sometimes your chosen family loves you for who you are, and doesn't judge you, and those bonds are far more powerful than blood. It's incredibly sad that there are people who don't get that.
But even though I have many people I consider to be friends, some of them friends I love dearly, it seems that I can only maintain the kind of relationship where we make time for each other every day that we possibly can, and we are really THERE for each other in need, with a romantic partner. I've been trying to work on that, making more time for nurturing a few of my friendships.
The main reason that I still have so much patience and I kinda get it, with Millennial Urbanist's thinking regarding the flaws and pitfalls of relationships, is that there was a long span of my life where I didn't have any positive models of happy, healthy partnerships to look to, either. There are a ton of people out there who don't do relationships in any way that looks acceptable to me. It's only in recent years that I've met lots of beautiful couples who really seem to have a healthy level of love and consideration for one another. That's why my pushback is always along the lines of "sure, there are people who do these things you hate. But that does not mean it's how it HAS to be. If someone in your life tries to push you into a way of life you don't want, well...make it clear you don't consent to that, and don't let them." And MU has done so, by opting out of dating, but one could date and have a relationship that brings them happiness, and just keep boundaries and expectations clear instead. There is not one way this has to work, we all have free will and the ability to make choices.
]I believe that's always been called taking the man for granted. Just staying with him for what he can give you.[/b] I dated one like that, but it was her dad's fault. He was disabled and had very little money coming in but, any time this girl saw a concert or "championship wrestling ( the fake crap on TV) event anywhere in a 200 mile radius or so from home, he bought her tickets, drove her there, and sat out in the car while she was inside. She expected me to buy all those tickets while we were dating. We didn't make it to the first concert she wanted to go to.
Oregon, I have 3 kids, 3 step kids (all 6 adults), 18 grand and step grandkids, and 5 step great grandkids. On my birthday, it's just like any other day. I'll get a couple phone calls or text messages and a card from our church. At Christmas my wife and I get presents for both of us, not individually. It doesn't bother me a bit.
I've been married to my husband for 16 yrs. now. I AM entitled to take my husband for granted, a little bit. I'm allowed to know that if the washing machine isn't working, he will look at it right away. He doesn't make me wait or ask twice.
And he's allowed to take me for granted a little bit. He's allowed to assume he'll have clean and folded laundry every Monday morning.
We're both allowed to assume that the other will be home for dinner at the regular time, unless we've informed the other earlier.
That's what being good partners is about. Knowing you can depend on the other. He and I are BOTH entitled to that.
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