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That is my concern as well. I really dont wish him any ill-will but I know I can't live like this for the next 50yrs either. This thread has been more helpful than you know. I haven't spoken to anyone about this IRL yet.
Don't be surprised if he enlists the help of others to guilt you into staying. Don't be surprised if well-meaning friends/family decide to counsel you on their own.
Remember, they only know what they have observed and whatever you and he have told them.
If you have even the slighted fear that he may become violent when he discovers that you have seen an attorney I would prepare for the worse. One of my friends, hid a bag of clothes (including a pair of shoes), extra cash (for a hotel room & food), an extra credit card and her passport & birth certificate (for identification) in the trunk of her car. She also hid an extra car key in the garage so she could make a quick get away if needed. In addition, she had copies of all the recent tax records, bank information, marriage license, etc. because it would be harder & take more time to move ahead if her ex destroyed all those things. It is likely that a burner phone would be helpful, so you could call 911 once you escape.
While it may never happen, what would you do if he suddenly started to beat you in the middle of the night, and he has destroyed your phone and hidden your purse, you may need to leave barefoot in just your nightgown.
Good luck.
Now that he "noticed" and sent you that letter I would be extremely cautious if I were in your shoes.
If there is any thing that is very special to you (your grandmother's vase, your father's pocket watch, a photo album from your childhood, etc.) I would suggest that you take those items to work or a friend's house as it is not unusual for people facing a break-up to destroy things that their soon to be ex cherishes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by skaternum
Get your financial records NOW. Seriously. Plus cash and passport. Please!
I agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100
Don't be surprised if he enlists the help of others to guilt you into staying. Don't be surprised if well-meaning friends/family decide to counsel you on their own.
Remember, they only know what they have observed and whatever you and he have told them.
Who knows what type of lies he has told other people. They may be very forceful in trying to block a divorce.
That is absolutely not the moral of the story. My wife is a stay at home. But we agreed and we looked at the financials in order to do that. I dont resent her being at home. It’s one thing to have a someone stays home agreement with a spouse. OPs case is so different it’s literally night and day. He’s not working by choice. And she’s doing all the heavy lifting. And giving her a load of bull for reasons why.
She’s better off leaving and being alone. Right now she just had a giant ball and chain around her leg in the shape of a husband. Don’t be surprised if he comes after her for alimony.
Below is the text my husband sent me today. Given everything Ive mentioned previously, how would you respond? (I havent responded yet......I havent even broached the "D" word yet.)
Text:
I feel i should say sonething about the way things are changing but to be honest, i don't know what to say. I love you a d dont want our relatio ship to end but its not just up to me. No relatio ship is perfect qnd there will definitely be ups and downs, the one thi g that never changes is love. When i really undsrstood what love is i realized its untouchable, unflappable and most important, does not have a price on it. I could say alot of things but i won't, what i will say is i didn't marry you and choose you on anythi g frivolous. I know your points for me to work and that hasn't happened consistently but that is not a perso s worth or enough to stop loving someone my estimation. So whatever happens please be honest give me a heads up to give myself time if we are breaking up. I do t want anything from you, just your love. That has to be given freely without cost. I can't be you and understand your rationale when you are not lacking anything while my world comes together but because I truely love you and want you to be happy, whatever you decide i will agree to. Your happiness is most important to me. What i do t want to do is be half way anything, either we are together or not. If there is something else please tell me. My job in life is to make you happy and leave you better 9ff than when i found you. I thought i was on the right track, but im only human.
Love you,
Your humble husband
"humble"? He's blatantly guilting you, OP. That's my take. Or--benefit of the doubt, he thinks he's being sincere. It amounts to the same thing, though, in the end.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 09-29-2018 at 10:21 AM..
Im too embarrassed and upset to talk about this with anyone we know personally. Because from the outside looking in, he looks like a loving husband and no one knows about his past but me.
Well, they also see that he is not working and you are carrying the weight financially, believe me. They may not say anything to you, but they see it (and probably talk about it when you're not around).
You could keep going the way you are, but it is going to continue to "eat away" at you, and eventually you are going to have to make a decision to make some changes, whatever those might be. I don't blame you for being resentful. If it wasn't deeply bothering you, you would not be on this board asking strangers for advice.
Personally, I'd rather be alone, making other friends and and enjoying other family, while developing my own interests, than to be in your situation.
The problem is not so much that you, at this point anyway, are trying to decide if it's OK to continue on with your husband not working. The problem is that HE, as a grown man, is OK with it.
I worked overnight last night when I received the aforementioned text. I told him we can talk about it all when I came home today. I was nervous on the whole drive home thinking we were gonna have "the talk" today. But when I got home this morning he was still sleeping, so I just climbed into bed and went to sleep myself. He let me sleep well into the afternoon. When I woke, I was ready for him to approacj. I didnt know if he would be angry, sad or defeated. I couldn't predict his mood.
Imagine my surprise when he greeted me with a hug and pastries from Sams Club! I only had about an hour to get ready for work again tonight, but he was being so sweet and nice. Even wanted us to look at new real estate online! WTF!!!
I didnt know how to react so I took the easy way out and didn't address anything. He didnt even mention the text.
(Sigh) I let it go for now because after tonight, I'll have several days off work and will try to address it then. Before I left for work he said he's gonna make reservations for an expensive steak house tomorrow night cuz "we deserve a good steak meal".
Honestly, I don't even know what to think right now. Is he being evasive on purpose? Too afraid to deal with all of this. Is he just hoping for the best or is he being manipulative, thinking if he's nice enough I'll forget about everything?
Either way, we'll definitely have the talk this week, before I go back to work next week.
I worked overnight last night when I received the aforementioned text. I told him we can talk about it all when I came home today. I was nervous on the whole drive home thinking we were gonna have "the talk" today. But when I got home this morning he was still sleeping, so I just climbed into bed and went to sleep myself. He let me sleep well into the afternoon. When I woke, I was ready for him to approacj. I didnt know if he would be angry, sad or defeated. I couldn't predict his mood.
Imagine my surprise when he greeted me with a hug and pastries from Sams Club! I only had about an hour to get ready for work again tonight, but he was being so sweet and nice. Even wanted us to look at new real estate online! WTF!!!
I didnt know how to react so I took the easy way out and didn't address anything. He didnt even mention the text.
(Sigh) I let it go for now because after tonight, I'll have several days off work and will try to address it then. Before I left for work he said he's gonna make reservations for an expensive steak house tomorrow night cuz "we deserve a good steak meal".
Honestly, I don't even know what to think right now. Is he being evasive on purpose? Too afraid to deal with all of this. Is he just hoping for the best or is he being manipulative, thinking if he's nice enough I'll forget about everything?
Either way, we'll definitely have the talk this week, before I go back to work next week.
I guess this ^^^ is the mindset that got you where you are.
I'm not surprised you didn't bring it up, but I honestly can't believe you're asking IF he's being manipulative. YES, he is manipulating you, being on his best behavior and deliberately making plans for the future as if there will be a future.
He is a scammer. Go back and read your first post in this thread if you have to. He is a user and a con man, and he is conning you in order to keep his cushy situation.
I worked overnight last night when I received the aforementioned text. I told him we can talk about it all when I came home today. I was nervous on the whole drive home thinking we were gonna have "the talk" today. But when I got home this morning he was still sleeping, so I just climbed into bed and went to sleep myself. He let me sleep well into the afternoon. When I woke, I was ready for him to approacj. I didnt know if he would be angry, sad or defeated. I couldn't predict his mood.
Imagine my surprise when he greeted me with a hug and pastries from Sams Club! I only had about an hour to get ready for work again tonight, but he was being so sweet and nice. Even wanted us to look at new real estate online! WTF!!!
I didnt know how to react so I took the easy way out and didn't address anything. He didnt even mention the text.
(Sigh) I let it go for now because after tonight, I'll have several days off work and will try to address it then. Before I left for work he said he's gonna make reservations for an expensive steak house tomorrow night cuz "we deserve a good steak meal".
Honestly, I don't even know what to think right now. Is he being evasive on purpose? Too afraid to deal with all of this. Is he just hoping for the best or is he being manipulative, thinking if he's nice enough I'll forget about everything?
Either way, we'll definitely have the talk this week, before I go back to work next week.
Let me remind you of the below I said earlier in the thread. This is what guys like this do. You have to decide what you really want and stick to it in the face of his attempts to divert you. (and yes, it's going to make you feel like crap)
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth
He will either get really angry or he'll become really sweet and try to sweet talk her into staying married to him (because he's desperate). I've seen this happen before and the spouse always falls for it.
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