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Understanding is all you can really ask of others.
The rest is on you to find ways of managing for yourself. If you have no one to talk to or want someone you feel you can trust, counseling is a good option to consider to help you come to grips with what you are feeling and have someone to bounce things off of and general brainstorming of ideas that can help you manage things better and more effectively.
I was emotionally abused. My current SO hasn't said he was, but he wasn't fully accepted for him as him, based on what he has said.
What makes us work is that I know what it's like to be second-guessed, to never live up to expectations, to never be enough, to be lied to and gaslighted, and I have the empathy and awareness to NOT do that to another. So I have decided his "quirks" such as they are, just aren't worth giving him grief. I had to either accept him, or let him go.
He accepts that I have baggage, for lack of a better word. He has made me feel safe when I have expressed fear and anxiety.
He's as honest and transparent as anyone I have ever known. He's the opposite of the ex, who lied to anyone and everyone for what I felt were trivial and stupid reasons. The ex regularly mocked me for being "too honest".
In short, our past experiences shaped us into people who were right for each other, because we know what we won't tolerate in a partner ever again.
Mostly the way that helps, any kind of journaling, is that if you keep all of your stuff in your brain, it sort of runs amok in there in a chaotic and confusing way. When you take it out and put it in words, you can sometimes see where you're going wrong, or understand the root origins of your issue, or work things through better.
Yeah, that resonates. I don't journal (unless you count this stuff) but I do say my issues out loud to myself when I'm traveling. That helps break the mental cycles up for me. Start bringing completion to thoughts and allow me to process it instead of endlessly looping it.
"My perfect partner, the things that put me at ease in that regard... He is not a violent man. He has a lot of self control. He's got an inner calm, a sort of Zen thing going on. He is capable of being alone, and not desperately in need of a mommy-type. I feel safe that I could tell him any truth, and he would not go off the deep end, or gaslight me, or weaponize it against me. He is playful, not spiteful. He has my complete trust."
Unless Spork is willing to clone her man, I think the rest of us are going to end up alone......I'm doubtful that guy exists.
I'm sooooooo sensitive to any sort of criticism I go to great lengths to insulate myself against it. I've quit jobs with no real safety net. If I sense a guy is a critical or glass half empty type on a first date, I'm done. Obviously with time and trust I can take criticism and I am generally quick to acknowledge mistakes or a need to change. I'm just not always good at fixing mistakes or preventing them. I also need someone who can take responsibility for his own mistakes. The ability to apologize IMHO, is very rare. To me it is the difference between being a child and being an adult. I didn't learn it until I was about 35.
I have worked to dampen my own temper (which I learned from my mom) and over time have realized that there is very rarely anything worth getting angry about. Only my 18 year old daughter can push my buttons. I can walk away from anything else.
I tried casual but I just lose interest. I want to be emotionally engaged. I want some one to give a crap about how my day went. I give that out so often and it is rarely ever returned. I've found it a few times but in relationships that didn't work for other reasons.
I had a wonderful, loving childhood, but was emotionally and verbally abused by my husband of 15 years.
I'm not sure exactly what to look for, but I do know what to watch out for, and avoid:
- Do they speak badly about their own parents and their other family members?
- Do they speak badly about YOUR family, friends, co-workers, etc., especially when they don't even really know them that well and have no real grounds to do that?
- Are they very "needy", always very sensitive about things, do you often feel you are walking on eggshells, and wonder why you are getting poor treatment or the "cold shoulder" when you don't feel you have done anything wrong?
- Are they overly critical? Jealous when there is no reason to be? Put you accomplishments or passions and interests down?
- Do they push you to commit exclusively to the relationship too early on?
These types can "hide" their abusive tendencies early on in a relationship. But slowly, these traits will come out. If you are not feeling secure, valued, and mutually respected, RUN for the hills.
Secure and loving significant others feel good about themselves, and they allow you to feel good about you too.
If you were severely emotionally abused as a child, and are terrified to get hurt or fall in love, what are some qualities or things you look for in order for you to trust or date someone? What are some things that bring down those emotional walls?
I was physically and emotionally abused as a child and i grew up not really knowing what love was. When i married my ex it was because he was a good guy, we had enough in common, similar goals and values, but the whole marriage felt empty. I was never able to open up and let him in and he never tried to get me to.
I have since met a guy that has been so incredibly patient with me, he has helped me knock down my walls that has kept me safe. He lets me have my freak out moments when i get scared and break things off and he's always there for me when im ready to try again. I am in therapy for my past traumas and he is understanding that undoing 30+ years of suppressing old pain is going to take a lot of time and patience, but he accepts my failures and celebrates my wins with me. Im madly in love with him and terrified at the same time. But for the first time in my life im not afraid to get hurt because I finally feel like im alive.
I was physically and emotionally abused as a child and i grew up not really knowing what love was. When i married my ex it was because he was a good guy, we had enough in common, similar goals and values, but the whole marriage felt empty. I was never able to open up and let him in and he never tried to get me to.
I have since met a guy that has been so incredibly patient with me, he has helped me knock down my walls that has kept me safe. He lets me have my freak out moments when i get scared and break things off and he's always there for me when im ready to try again. I am in therapy for my past traumas and he is understanding that undoing 30+ years of suppressing old pain is going to take a lot of time and patience, but he accepts my failures and celebrates my wins with me. Im madly in love with him and terrified at the same time. But for the first time in my life im not afraid to get hurt because I finally feel like im alive.
Thanks. This is what I am learning to be with this person, patient and understanding. In that regard I think this is his biggest struggle. It's very obvious his feelings run very very deep for me as well as mine for him, but at the same time there is this fear from him of being hurt and abandoned. He once said he was terrified to date me because he was scared he would mess it up and lose me.
I think with me being patient he is starting to not look at things from that lens anymore.
Thanks. This is what I am learning to be with this person, patient and understanding. In that regard I think this is his biggest struggle. It's very obvious his feelings run very very deep for me as well as mine for him, but at the same time there is this fear from him of being hurt and abandoned. He once said he was terrified to date me because he was scared he would mess it up and lose me.
I think with me being patient he is starting to not look at things from that lens anymore.
Being patient and understanding is key. But for your own sanity you want to make sure that YOU have set clear boundaries with him. As he has a fear of abandonment he may "test" you to see if you will leave him, its not done to be spiteful but another protective mechanisms. So you have to let him know that even though you are here for him you wont become his emotional punching bag.
I was physically and emotionally abused as a child and i grew up not really knowing what love was. When i married my ex it was because he was a good guy, we had enough in common, similar goals and values, but the whole marriage felt empty. I was never able to open up and let him in and he never tried to get me to.
I have since met a guy that has been so incredibly patient with me, he has helped me knock down my walls that has kept me safe. He lets me have my freak out moments when i get scared and break things off and he's always there for me when im ready to try again. I am in therapy for my past traumas and he is understanding that undoing 30+ years of suppressing old pain is going to take a lot of time and patience, but he accepts my failures and celebrates my wins with me. Im madly in love with him and terrified at the same time. But for the first time in my life im not afraid to get hurt because I finally feel like im alive.
ellybelly83, how inspiring your words are. Very touching. Respect!
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