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I guess they're good-looking but my definition of good-looking is not typical. I like slim, even skinny, nerdy quiet guys. Only one guy I know for sure to be "typical" good-looking because women were always flirting with him. But he was one of the longer relationships at nearly six months.
None of the men I've dated have been all three of these (tall, hansome, established). Most were one, a couple were two but none three. A note is that half of these men are in their mid 20s so just starting out in their careers.
Some of them "chose" me so not exactly what I would pick myself. I choose based on personality traits, looks, how well we get along, what they have going on in their life.
I don't want to go too far from what I consider attractive because then there is no attraction. I tried this before but they would get frustrated because I didn't want to do anything intimate with them. But I wasn't physically attracted so no desire was there. The same with men significantly older than me - no attraction.
Hmmm. Well now I see why youre asking, since you ruled out everything.
I dont know if youre in your mid 20s, but you probably shouldnt date guys in their 20s if you want a serious relationship. Those guys are flaky.
Of course I dont know what your degree of "typical" is, what you consider "not typical" could still be a really high bar of good looking. Ive talked to good looking women about this in the past and they usually have pretty high standard of good looking, so the guy thats on the bottom of their list still does well with women. When I asked them to show me the lowest looks that they would date, they showed me a pretty good looking guy.
If youre as good looking as you describe, I would still suspect this is the case, but Ill never really know from text.
In the case that isnt true, are there any other weird things that these guys you dated do and said, that could clue you into why they bail on you so soon? I only ask to get some kind of clue to your personality from their objective perspective, yknow? Is there anything else you noticed about them?
1. Guy is happy, we get to talking, go on a date. He either loses interest after a date or two or he tries to move things further. If it develops into something, he treats me poorly, thinking that I approached him so he has the upper hand.
2. He looks at me like I'm insane
You have to keep him intrigued. Keep him guessing.
If there is interest then keep him pursuing you.
You will get the insane look sometimes. It’s fine, it means they are not looking.
Like a fish seeing the bait and hook. Some will bite and others swim by.
OP, many women go through this; weeding out the guys who want it right away. It's normal. Of course you're not von board with them leaving, after not getting sex. But this is the way the world is, to some extent; you shouldn't let that reflect poorly on you. Just write those guys off and move on. Don't let it affect your self-esteem. And don't give in to the pressure.
That’s “forever alone” advice. I’m not talking sex on the first date but withholding it for months isn’t something I’d tolerate. It’s a critical part of working through determining compatibility.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD
That’s “forever alone” advice. I’m not talking sex on the first date but withholding it for months isn’t something I’d tolerate. It’s a critical part of working through determining compatibility.
If a woman doesn't want me physically, well, that's saying she wants a platonic friendship. That's fine. I appreciate more good friends, but lets call it what it is. Adult women, I find, don't play these games. They want to know if we're sexually compatible and have sexual chemistry before investing much time into really getting to know each other... since if those things aren't there, nothing else will make a relationship work. I wouldn't pressure anyone those, that's scummy and juvenile. You want me, or you don't, pretty simple. It doesn't really happen that people go on multiple dates where they aren't interested in each other, I've found. I guess maybe more conservative regions or individuals work differently, and of course there are people I've met that are pretty scarred/traumatized so they don't trust their judgments and live in fear of getting hurt again, but I'm glad to find that out up front as they're not in a place to date.
For some people having sex before the emotional connection can make the sex bad, thus leading to the misunderstanding that they lack sexual chemistry. Neither method is fool proof, it comes down to what people are comfortable with. Now if there is sexual energy and they're holding off just to hold off, that's different.
That's his idea of fun stuff too - "adventures". He used that word a lot. He liked clubs but he also liked traveling, going to events in the area, sports at the park. What he DIDN'T like was staying indoors for more than a few hours.
In fact the guy I was in a relationship with before him was the same.
OK...so it SOUNDS like you are initially attracted to these types of guys. Maybe you have to ask yourself "What is it about these guys, that attracts me?" Like, I don't know...is it because they're fit and buff from their adventures and outdoors activities? Is it because they're friendly and outgoing, and extroverts to your introvert nature? I'm just throwing stuff out there.
And then it seems like you'd have to kind of say "I like THIS about those guys...how can I meet guys with THESE qualities, but exclude THOSE qualities."
OP, I hear you extrapolating information from a few examples onto "men in general." Don't do that. Humans come in a dizzying variety, and not all humans are compatible to share life with, plain and simple. The guy who wanted lots of adventure, well, he's got a right to want that, and if you don't, then it could be an issue, and there's nothing wrong with him recognizing that and moving along. But what he thinks, feels, wants, needs, says and does, doesn't reflect things on "men." It's just...him. One of billions of humans, living his life.
I used to have what I considered a sort of doom to either have guys fall for me that I wasn't falling for (more common) or to fall for guys who weren't that into me like that. I had given up hope of having a reciprocally loving and bonded relationship...and then I found one. The main difference that I could see in the formation of it, was that unlike in previous connections where I was up front about wanting to bounce into bed as soon as I knew I wanted the dude, we did take more time to get to that point. 2 months. Which for me was a long time. In general I am pretty straightforward about what I want, and see no reason to hold back or hold off. But things just evolved differently with this one. And after the sex began to happen, we still moved things forward at a relatively slow pace. Steps like exclusivity and commitment, declarations of love and long term intent, moving in together, to now we are discussing marriage...that took years to develop. We rushed none of it.
By the time I really realized I was in love with him, he was right there with me. It was the first time I'd had that with anyone. It's wonderful. But I was 36, and had a lot of other connections in my past that did not go that way. He was 56, and...did not...but hadn't really opened himself up to forming a bond with anyone before. It was an unlikely kind of magic. It still dazzles us both.
When I think of women who are "not relationship material" I can only contemplate my own perspective as a woman who is more flexible in terms of sexuality...there are plenty of men who aren't relationship material, that I have slept with or would sleep with. That is a thing too. Why are they not? Because they lack some quality I need in a partner I want to keep. Maybe that is a sense of emotional comfort, security and compatibility. Maybe it's that they are immature or don't have their lives together. I don't want to partner up with someone who still needs to grow up. Maybe they have an attitude or demeanor that feels negative (actually I don't want to sleep with those guys either.)
Do you like sharing life with yourself? If you don't, then no one else should be expected to want to share it with you.
I'm sure men have other criteria, though. Don't talk too much about your cats. Don't talk about your horoscope. Don't talk about your cats' horoscopes. I don't know. Whatever.
I haven't read the whole thread so maybe it's been said, but could it be that it's not you so much as it's the men you're going out with who aren't relationship oriented? They're not looking for a relationship and finding you unsuitable so much as being true to their desire to avoid anything serious?
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