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I do think I have to dumb myself down. Some men can be intimidated by my career, background. At first they seem impressed but then they start wondering if they can measure up. They don't think that maybe I don't care about their credentials.
You cant dumb yourself down, that will bite you in the long run and you will be miserable. Im sure you would rather be alone than miserable and married because you couldnt maintain dumbing yourself down for a dopey guy.
You are able to be yourself, but youre a niche market, and like the other poster said, you have to find where the niche market is.
Other than that I think the only thing to rule out with you now is talking on the phone. I think Thats the only way to get a read on your personality and how you could be perceived.
Many men in that top 5% never expect to find a compatible partner. I live in Tennessee. Geoff and Timberline both live in New England. There are far more eligible "upmarket" women there than where I am.
I get a vibe of that, too, but the eternal problem of "tone doesn't convey in text" exists. You are speaking frankly here of your frustrations. No idea how you actually speak to others in person.
I think I come across dry in text. People get mad at me for something in text that, if said in person, they'd probably laugh at.
None of my exes considered me arrogant. I think they would have told me so, especially the fun stuff ex and giant ex who never held back. Those two thought I was really nice and sweet, almost fragile. But I also know that in the recent past people would see something as a debate or an argument when I saw it as a discussion. So I tried to tone it down.
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Anyhow. If this is a legit thing for you, then the way to fix it is to work on your communication skills, in particular, active listening. When you are sitting with someone having a conversation, are you engaged with what they are saying to you, or are you waiting until they stop so that you can say what you've been forming in your mind the whole time they were talking, rather than even paying attention to what they were saying?
I'm engaged. I don't like small talk for long periods but I consider people interesting. I want to know what they think. That's why I'm here.
One thing is that I don't like to waste time. If it seems like something or someone is wasting my time I can get crabby. Apologies to anyone I got crabby with here.
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I'm trying to explain this and it's a bit of a challenge because it's one of those sort of...intuitive things, and I'm trying to spell it out. I hope this made some kind of sense?
Moving to page 22. Was a picture posted? Asking for a friend.
No, and I don't know who is reading the discussion so there won't be one.
So friend could be interested? If he is somewhat like what I'll describe in my "perfect man" post later, contact me privately amd I'll send you a pic for him.
From what I remember from earlier posts, anytime someone offered you advice, you would counter the advice by starting flaws and issues with the guys you were dating. It is really perplexing which is why I asked if you even liked the guys in the first place. But since you say you did, you seem to be a bit defensive in that after being given advice, you respond to it by saying how it was actually the guy's fault things didn't work out because he was a liar, too busy, intimidated by you etc.
I think there’s a simple answer to this, about 80-90% of men are *******s, and 7 out of 10 people in general are stupid. To find one of the good ones takes some trial and error, and a lot of the ones with the looks that draw women in, are among the 80-90%.
People who put others ahead of themselves tend to be more introverted and harder to meet. The places where you really get to see what people are like and what makes them tick, are often coworkers where dating is largely frowned upon. It’s mostly just a ****ty situation that none of the coders in silicon valley have been able to really master and match people up.
I don’t see anything negative about the original poster, she seems very sensible, smart, and nice. The problem is with the men. Maybe go to places where smarter people hang out and then your chances of getting a good one will go up. Book store, library, and places like that are better than bars or the gym.
From what I remember from earlier posts, anytime someone offered you advice, you would counter the advice by starting flaws and issues with the guys you were dating. It is really perplexing which is why I asked if you even liked the guys in the first place. But since you say you did, you seem to be a bit defensive in that after being given advice, you respond to it by saying how it was actually the guy's fault things didn't work out because he was a liar, too busy, intimidated by you etc.
It does come across as a bit arrogant.
I don't know what to say. If someone had a suggestion that I had experience with, I gave my experiences with that. I was telling what happened. I don't know what sort of response I should have given if not that. I thought I said I take blame for the way things turned out with the last three relationships.
If arrogance is the impression I'm giving to men then I was completely unaware of this. So it makes me sad to wonder how much damage has been done or if I can ever change. I'll work on it, or try to.
Sure, but that's why you need to make sure your life is centered around things where you're most likely to find that 1% of the dating pool that is both smart/educated/successful and isn't completely incompatible with you. You're not likely going to find them online dating.
Why wouldn't I find any online?
I'm hearing opposing views: some say online dating is a good option, then others like you and Ruth4Truth think it won't work for me.
I've been joining groups. It looks positive but January has fewer activities in my area. It could be a month or so before I meet anyone.
I don't know where in New England you or timberline are from but your ideas and responses remind me of men I knew growing up. I'm far from home now. How well will it work out for me to cross out the majority of local, single men in my age group?
I'm hearing opposing views: some say online dating is a good option, then others like you and Ruth4Truth think it won't work for me.
I've been joining groups. It looks positive but January has fewer activities in my area. It could be a month or so before I meet anyone.
I don't know where in New England you or timberline are from but your ideas and responses remind me of men I knew growing up. I'm far from home now. How well will it work out for me to cross out the majority of local, single men in my age group?
See this is why I think dating advice is really pointless and why I don't ask for it or give it to other people.
OP, you're getting so much conflicting advice because everyone's experience is not the same and dating is unique for everyone. No matter how hard you want to generalize it, you really can't. It really is a trial and error process and it's about what works for you AND a potential partner. I know you're frustrated and discouraged, but there is no manual or guideline for this kind of stuff. You really have to go off your own experiences and navigate yourself from there. Stop looking at dating as a means to an end and just talk to people like normal. You'l have to figure it out on your own like everyone else does.
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