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Lots of people cheat thinking they can win some one else over. Taking them them away from their significant other, and live happily ever after with them. Just oblivious to the fact, that if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you.
Right before my marriage broke down, my ex and i explored an open marriage, I met various guys (online not irl) who were seeking no strings relationships because they were married. I always asked them why they were stepping outside their marriage. I received a variety of answers. Some were in open marriages, Some where just opportunistic d-bags, some had wives that refused them sex but they felt obligated to stay to keep the family together. I met one guy who's wife told him that she wasn't putting out anymore and he can do what he likes.
There's two things i heard a lot when i was getting divorced, "your poor kids how can you do that to them?" and "he's such a nice guy, why would you want to divorce?" These people were not in my daily life and definitely not in my bedroom, yet they felt entitled to an explanation. I received a lot of judgement from my family and his, i took on all the blame. I wasn't about to tell them that we had stopped having sex, and that when i finally tried to talk about it with him, he shut down, he tried to engage with me a couple of times after i tried to talk to him, but him knowing that i wanted intimacy caused him to have performance anxiety and he refused to seek treatment for something he didnt want to do, there were other things that i wont go into but that was a contributor. I never cheated in my marriage, but i know that others might have. People are quick to attack a cheater, but no one blames the partner that withhold's sex as a punishment or as a form of control. I learned not to judge others because of what i went through.
*nods*
Y'know, this reminds me though... When I was poly I was still really wary of cheaters. Lots of guys on OLD who are cheating on wives. At least one tried to convince me that he and his wife had an arrangement but she simply did not want to know any details. I caught him on several lies during the time I knew him and that was one of them. There was no arrangement. He was just cheating, or trying to anyhow.
I always felt like if a guy was married, I wanted to either meet the wife and hear it from her that things were on the up and up...or one other option this one dude I met did, he recorded a video of his wife where she was like, "If you are watching this, then my husband may be trying to date you, and you may wonder if he's telling the truth that his wife is ok with this. Well I am <name> and I am <name>'s wife, and I'm making this video to let you know that yes, we are in an open polyamorous marriage and yes, he is honest with me and I have no problem with you dating him."
I could not simply trust some married guy without hearing from the wife, knowing how uncommon truly open marriages are, compared to cheaters tryin' to be sneaky.
Y'know, this reminds me though... When I was poly I was still really wary of cheaters. Lots of guys on OLD who are cheating on wives. At least one tried to convince me that he and his wife had an arrangement but she simply did not want to know any details. I caught him on several lies during the time I knew him and that was one of them. There was no arrangement. He was just cheating, or trying to anyhow.
I always felt like if a guy was married, I wanted to either meet the wife and hear it from her that things were on the up and up...or one other option this one dude I met did, he recorded a video of his wife where she was like, "If you are watching this, then my husband may be trying to date you, and you may wonder if he's telling the truth that his wife is ok with this. Well I am <name> and I am <name>'s wife, and I'm making this video to let you know that yes, we are in an open polyamorous marriage and yes, he is honest with me and I have no problem with you dating him."
I could not simply trust some married guy without hearing from the wife, knowing how uncommon truly open marriages are, compared to cheaters tryin' to be sneaky.
I had conversations where the guys were obviously very bad liars. I had dinner with one and i questioned him so much he confessed the truth. I'm pretty good at catching people in lies. I did end up sleeping with one that was separated (he had his own apartment). But i knew after that instance, being in an open marriage wasn't for me, ex wanted it to be don't ask, dont tell. But even with the green light i still felt immense guilt for going after something i should've been getting at home.
Opening marriages and polyamorous relations are not cheating.
Cheating is defined by deception, specifically in order for some form of gain.
you can have open relations without being deceptive. As long as there is honesty and open intentions involved in the actions being taken can never be taken as “cheating” someone, it is not inherently deceitful to have or hold multiple partners.
You may personally justify your dishonesty by cheating on someone who you feel has “wronged you”, but it doesn’t make you and honest person. This is often what I see people leaning towards as their response when they are forced to face the actions they have taken.
It’s the “i only shot in defense” equivalent, its the only thing you can argue for being purposefully deceptive to someone in those circumstances.
Last edited by rego00123; 01-21-2019 at 11:42 AM..
Opening marriages and polyamorous relations are not cheating.
Cheating is defined by deception, specifically in order for some form of gain.
you can have open relations without being deceptive. As long as there is honesty and open intentions involved in the actions being taken can never be taken as “cheating” someone, it is not inherently deceitful to have or hold multiple partners.
You may personally justify your dishonesty by cheating on someone who you feel has “wronged you”, but it doesn’t make you and honest person. This is often what I see people leaning towards as their response when they are forced to face the actions they have taken.
It’s the “i only shot in defense” equivalent, its the only thing you can argue for being purposefully deceptive to someone in those circumstances.
Yep.
Hell, even the instance I mentioned before, though, I wasn't even being sneaky or deceitful about it. It's just that the guy had not consented to any such thing that in my reckoning made it cheating. He utterly denied and fought back against every effort I made to break up with him, and when I told him that I was starting to see my ex husband, he tried to argue me out of that, too. It was not until my new dude (ex husband now) showed up at the apartment and actually menaced him that he would actually ACCEPT that our relationship was over, and move out. Me saying it and saying it was not enough.
That was a weird situation.
But I do see a number of people sort of doing the "monkey branch" thing of getting with someone new in order to facilitate an end to a relationship that they really want out of anyhow. It does sometimes make me wonder if the former partner was not willing to respect their desire to end it. A lot of people do fiercely hold onto relationships way longer than they should sometimes, and won't accept that they are truly over if the departing partner does not yet have someone new.
Being human can be all complicated and junk. I wonder if holding someone hostage in a relationship they want to leave, is considered to be more or less unethical, compared to cheating. Thoughts? Or are the two things far too apples/oranges to even be compared?
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