I've only slept with 1 person my whole life. Did I miss out? (guys, lover)

[Sassybluesy]

To me, this is like saying "We've only ever gone to Belize for vacations. Am I missing out on something for never going to Europe?


Well...I guess. Europe sure has lots to see and experience. Meanwhile, Belize is gorgeous, and you enjoy yourself otherwise you wouldn't keep going back.


IMO, you are not missing out on all that much. You ARE missing out on getting your heart broken lots of times. You ARE missing out on having lots of babies out there that you can't parent. You ARE missing out on wondering and worrying if your ex GF is pregnant. You ARE missing out on seeing an ex with a new boyfriend/husband and wondering about her in the middle of the night while your wife sleeps beside you.


So...yeah. You're missing out on a lot I guess.

[Sonic_Spork]

Sometimes I wish that there were a super computer with all of reality programmed into it, and that I could select my life, from all the lives of all the people, and using probabilities, be able to ask this computer program, "If I had changed this one thing, where would my life have gone from there?" Just to see a simulation, of how things could have been if I had done this or that differently.

Because personally...I don't really have that much regret. Even my ex and all the junk I went through with him...there was learning and growth in it, and we did create two pretty good kids, and I adore them both, and would never wish them out of existence even if I sometimes wish they had a better father. What I've got is pretty good.

So while I wouldn't really have it any other way...I sometimes get a sense of curiosity. What if I'd never met that guy? What if I'd stayed in this or that state I lived in at this or that point, or if I'd gone somewhere else? What if I'd done better in high school and went straight to college? Could I have ever made it as an artist? If I had waited until I was older, more ready to have kids, would I have ever had any at all? Oh you know...just fantastical thinking, questions, wonderment. I think maybe most people wonder about what could have been, in some fashion.

OP, is your question expressing a feeling along these lines? Not so much a wish that you could trade in your life history for something else, but a curiosity about how things could have been different?

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by lambily

You experience it once, it's the same whoever partner you do it with. .

How would you know if you've only slept with one person?

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by lambily

What part of it's the same organ did you not understand?

That is not the part I'm asking you about. See the part I quoted and asked you about. What part of the quote do you not understand?



But, as a guy, even though its the "same organ" on a woman, its NOT the same at all from woman to woman. AT ALL. And beyond the organs, which are a minor part of the sexual experience, the approach, sensuality, mentality, physicality all vary by WIIIIIDDDE amounts from person to person.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by lambily

yeah ok, whatever. But if we are talking about the end result. It's the same. You climax. that's it. Do you really need to have different partners to achieve it? No. it's the same end result.

I am only talking about the physical aspect of it.

Yeah, uh no. Orgasms are pretty darn minor part of sex to me. And sex isn't about the end result at all, if that was the case, people would skip almost all of it and just get to that ASAP or just masturbate.



Not that it ends with orgasm anyway. Nor are all orgasms the same. Sheesh.

[Sonic_Spork]

Originally Posted by lambily

This is from a 40 yr old virgin who is married now since 2013. Obviously my husband was my only intimate partner. Honestly sex is over rated. I find it more satisfying having sex with myself to be honest. My husband is not selfish at all he does go down. If you know what I mean, ya? He really is trying to please. Honestly he likes oral, I loathe it. Most of the time I don't reciprocate. He knows I don't like it.

But you know, I don't feel like missing out. On what really? it's just the same organ, different size or worst, smell and taste. LOL. What honestly are you missing out on? STD? HIV? Pleaaaase. these people that says you're missing out are either fulll of themselves or are virgin themselves.

I can't say this enough. Sex is over rated. You experience it once, it's the same whoever partner you do it with. So yeah.

It makes me sad... Because before I left my ex husband and found myself with a couple of FAR more compatible (for me) and pleasing partners, I would have agreed with you 100%.

I remember thinking and saying things like this. But I know better now.

While I was with him, I really thought it would be fine if I just did not have to have sex ever again. That the entire thing was very much overrated. Could not understand why some people make it such a high priority.

I'm really thankful that I am no longer in that sort of a relationship, and that I am with someone who is a much better match for what I need in that regard.

And the main thing I would point to here, is you say you enjoy it better alone than with your partner. I used to, also. That is tremendously revealing, because it means you have the CAPACITY to really enjoy sex...it's just that for some reason you aren't with this person. Usually that is a communication problem, because when we feel really free and in tune and able to be vulnerable with our partner, we can help them learn how to please us. But if you feel emotionally closed off, walled up behind some kind of defenses, then you will never feel ok talking about such things with them. That can happen because of our own mental programming, how we are raised to think about sex, beliefs we hold, shame we carry, or dysfunction within the relationship itself.

It can be overcome...but those involved have to want to.
I didn't want to, when I was with my ex. Not with him. I would have MUCH rather never had anyone touch me again, than bare my soul and share my personal, private sexual thoughts and processes with him. I get the feeling that for whatever reason, you would rather not have sex, than to be that vulnerable and intimate with your husband. I get it, but I feel sorry for you.

And I don't think that the OP feels this way. At least, not from what we've been told here.

[Sonic_Spork]

Originally Posted by lambily

I am talking about my own experience ok? I'm like the OP and no I said I don't feel like I am missing out at all. I actually found out how sex is so over rated. Having not experience it for 4 decades and when I did, with my husband whom I already said is not selfish at all he is a pleaser. He really do really well sometimes I'm shocked with what he's doing. LOL. But yeah. I can say without batting an eyelash if we divorce or if he dies, I can live without sex. I guess I'm not sex starved like most people lol. Just saying, dude. Why so serious?

OH sonic, I read your post. And I agree with what you're saying. Yeah it has to do with my upbringing maybe. My husband sometimes with what he does, honestly I don't like most of it, you maybe right about your observation. Agree 100%.

Timberline, sex starved? LOL!

And I certainly am not either.

OK well I can live without sex but I've sure learned that I'd rather not. At least if it's like what I've got now.

A lot of the others I've been with, "pleasers" or not, yeah I could live without it if that's all that was available.

(Hee hee we are posting on top of each other up in here, I just read your edit, now I'm adding one too! WHEE.)
The ex I mention, he wanted to please me, too. Badly. And I did not enjoy much of what he was doing. I often marvel at the fact that I can be experiencing the same act, but when my present partner does it, it's freakin' magical...when my ex did it, I just wanted him to stop and leave me alone.

But think of it this way... If it were just a matter of interchangeable people doing this or that act, then a woman would feel the same way about it whether it were a beloved partner she enthusiastically consented to...or a rapist. And yet, those things feel VERY VERY DIFFERENT. I hate to say it, but the way it was with my ex felt more like the latter sometimes, because I did not want to be there, doing that, with him. But most of the shame and "ick" feelings I had were tied up in his mindset about sex, and his shaming of my sexuality. So for me, when I got away from him and found someone who was better for me mentally, emotionally, etc... Yeah, it was so much better.

And my partner now, he is creative and playful, we often laugh, the whole thing is FUN. Like did you know, sex should be fun, optimally?

But yeah anyhow, OP says that he and his wife enjoy their sex life, it's just he seems to be wondering how things could have been if he'd made different life choices. Problem is, none of us can really answer that for him. None of us are in his shoes, working with his life situation, so whatever outcomes we've had...they are ours, and could not be his. We've all gotta do our own thing here.

[timberline742]

Originally Posted by lambily

I am talking about my own experience ok? I'm like the OP and no I said I don't feel like I am missing out at all. I actually found out how sex is so over rated. Having not experience it for 4 decades and when I did, with my husband whom I already said is not selfish at all he is a pleaser. He really do really well sometimes I'm shocked with what he's doing. LOL. But yeah. I can say without batting an eyelash if we divorce or if he dies, I can live without sex. I guess I'm not sex starved like most people lol. Just saying, dude. Why so serious?

Because it is one of the most enjoyable things under the sun, and way to mentally, emotionally and physically connect with someone as well as being the ultimate play time for adults. That isn't something to take non-seriously, I do not believe.


(And just because someone tries and isn't selfish doesn't mean they are either good at what they do, or even more importantly, that there is a high level of sexual chemistry. Trying means a lot, but it isn't enough. It's no surprise to me you don't enjoy it, and that makes me sad. I hope someday you get to experience how wonderful it can be.)

[Pretzeltwist]

Originally Posted by Wordsmith12

My wife and I are both 33. We got together in 2005 and got married in 2014.

We lost our virginity to one another five months into the relationship.

That means I've only slept with one woman -- my wife -- my entire life.

I had the opportunity to sleep with an older girl whom I met online and then in person the year before my wife and I hooked up. But I was inexperienced, and basically chickened out.

Given that I'm happily married, I have no interest in sleeping/being with anyone else.

But every now and then, I ask myself whether I missed out.

I would call it curiosity.

If you've only had one kind of cheese your whole life, you'd probably be curious as to how other cheeses taste. Or, if you've never ventured outside your home state, you might be curious as to what, say, Vermont is like.

I guess I wonder what other women would be like in bed.

I wouldn't be surprised if my wife has had similar thoughts about other guys, even though she's never said anything.

Again, I would never act on those thoughts, and I would never cheat.

For those of you who slept around casually or have slept with several different partners, tell me: Did I miss out on anything?

No.

[ukrkoz]

OP, you are one up on those who NEVER slept with anyone else. Plenty of those, worry you not.
As of if you missed something...and remarks that "it all tastes the same".... Hate to spoil the dominating consensus, yes, you did and no, it does not.
I was blessed with some very good relationships that were extremely enjoyable. Some in pure sexual way, some in both sexual and man/woman relationship.

Hemingway, in For Whom The Bell Tolls, wrote: In life of a man, there can be three times, when he is having sex so good, that it feels like as if Earth is spinning underneath him. I can relay. I had that happen twice. It is amazing sensation, like as if you fall into abyss of space.



Also, I had some that purely sucked. As I said, I was blessed. Chances that you will? Who knows. Chance it will, slowly but steadily, in your marriage, turn into boredom and then maybe repulsion - pretty high. Signs, like elnina said, point towards that.



There is old joke about this. English Lord and his Lady are touring a farmers market. He went to look at a beautiful filly while his wife stopped by a breading bull stall. Lady asked a farmer, who owned the bull: How often does this bull mount a cow? Evey day, my lady, was the response. My dear man, says Lady, will you please go and pass this word onto his Lordship over there? Farmer approaches the Lord and does as he was asked to. Lord chuckles and says - my good man, same cow? No, your Lordship, a new cow every day. Will you go and pass THAT word onto the Lady? says Lord.