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First of all, this is my first message here, so I am very much looking forward to hearing back from you. Very much appreciated.
First, a general background: last November, I (I am 40, I live in Baltimore)* met a beautiful woman (she is 39, she lives in DC) with whom I can finally be fully myself with, and to me this experience has been thus far wonderful. The sentiment is also mutual. From what I recalled, I have not experienced that level of trust/intimacy/playfulness with someone for a very long time (I might not even have experienced this at all actually). It is very unique, and I love every moments of it. We complete each other. I think the main reason is that she really opened my heart (which has been torn badly in the past on several occasions, I have been in several long-term relationships and was married at some point), which allowed to express myself the way I am. Another important piece of information is that both of us are only child, so we have that extra connection, which makes it actually unusual. I "hate" to say it (as it may sound cliche), but I / we are living like in a movie...Call it maybe le coups de foudre. Possibly the love of my life, and I would hate to slip it away (see below for the whole story).
* one extra piece of information is that I really don't care for Baltimore, I do like DC, and do wish to move there eventually.
Now, another piece of information, before she met me, she was on the move to leave DC (she has been there approximately 10 years), and she was looking for some job elsewhere. A great opportunity eventually came up in NYC, and she passed through a series of interviews (3) until she reached the final stage. Sadly for her, she got turned down the job on the final round (at that time we just started dating). As far as I recalled, she accepted the decision. Since then, 3.5 months passed by, and the rest you know (see paragraph above).
And here is another piece of information, the company from which she applied for that job contacted her last week, and was interested in her profile again, and wanted another interview with her as another similar position opened. Albeit there is no guarantee that she will get the job, my logical mind tells me that her chance to get it the job is rather high, and here comes another possible career vs. love dilemma...
One good thing between the two of us is communication. She immediately shared with me the information, which of course I really appreciated, even though it put me into an overthinking mindset for a the last week. Overthinking is not necessarily good for my mental state, but it has advantage such as being more prepared, and developed a sense of anticipation.
Thinking about the future is not necessarily a good thing as it drives us away from enjoying the present time, and I am really trying hard not to do so even though it is difficult at the same time. Based on what I have read so far, it is very important to take it step by step once a decision has to be made.
Maybe because I am a scientist, I started to think of several possibilities (not necessarily giving in the order of likelihood), and I would like to share with you those:
Possibility 1: She does not get the job and stays in DC, I move to DC (around Summer time). She and I will probably start looking for other jobs in the DC area. I think this transition is rather smooth.
Possibility 2: She does not take the job and chooses our relationship over a job, and stays in DC, I move to DC (around Summer time). She and I will probably start looking for other jobs in the DC area. I think this transition is rather smooth
Possibility 3: She gets the job and moves to NYC. When? Potentially within the April-June bracket. I would need to look for a new job in the NYC area. No idea how long it will take but maybe 6-9 months, maybe more? This case is more strenuous because (i) I have some pressure to find a job that suits my career plan (ii) moving to NYC (which is a jungle), which I am not too keen on (iii) I would like to leave Baltimore asap. I MUST remain open minded because I do not want to f*$%^ that up.
Possibility 4: She gets the job and moves it NYC. I move to DC for 6-12 months, and see how things go between the two of us. I would be okay living "long distance", but I am sure she will based on what she told me. Yet, it is still uncertain.
I think part of the problem is NYC. I know it is very expensive to live in, and probably not the ideal place to have a family (we talked a bit about that, but I do not want to share details as this is too personal). If it was another city, I think that would ease the situation very significantly, but the fact is that it is NYC, and it is what it is.
To conclude, at the moment, nothing is certain, the future remains rather blurry. If you have had some similar experience, and are willing to share them with me, I would very much appreciated. Same if you have feedback and/or personal opinions. It would be very helpful!
You don't sound like you're in love...it sounds like a bit of an "affectation". I say that because you could have just as easily said it was "love at first sight" rather than use the French term though it seems you're French through and through, or wish to be. Perhaps you're just in love with being in love?
So you think it'll take 6-9 months to find a job in NYC but "smooth" to find one in D.C.? You think it is THAT much more expensive to live in NYC compared to D.C. and you don't want to raise kids in NYC? Considering you're in love and were already considering moving to D.C, what's the diff with NYC? If the romance didn't last wouldn't it be easy as pie to just go to D.C. as originally planned?
Sounds like this could be a grand adventure but you're not very open or flexible with the supposed love of your life. At 40 you should know yourself well...what do you say?
You've been dating for about four months. IMO, it's way too soon to start thinking about moving in together or relocating to be closer to one another much less where you're going to raise any potential kids.
If she gets an offer that appeals to her, she should take it. Baltimore to NYC is just three hours. That's doable for a long distance relationship. Heck, y'all could meet in Philly on the weekends if three hours is too far.
Date one another, continue to get to know one another. Don't make life altering decisions because of a brand new relationship.
You think it is THAT much more expensive to live in NYC compared to D.C. and you don't want to raise kids in NYC?
That was my thought: I lived in NNJ, commuting distance to NYC and it was exorbitant, but I'm not sure DC was any cheaper. And, in both areas, it depends on how close you are to the center of things and how picky you are about living in a neighborhood with good schools.
Try not to over-think it, although I'm a bad one to give advice on this because I worry about stuff well in advance. If she does get a job offer in NYC you'll have decisions to make but that may not happen for awhile.
I'm glad you have been enjoying the honeymoon phase of this relationship, OP, because that's why it feels like a movie.
Now you're facing a potentially dangerous decision that people in LDRs often come to.
I agree that your GF needs to make a career decision that is best for her, independent of you. She has to keep her actual future at the forefront, and you are a tentative part of her future.
Ideally, yes, you should spend time living and dating in the same city so you get an idea of what you two are like when dealing with "real life," not just on the best behavior that we all tend to be on when we visit occasionally.
But she should take whatever the best career deal is for her. If you can be flexible, that will help. It's WAY too early to consider kids or moving in together.
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"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
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So you're about an hour away? That's nothing.
If you're very serious about each other, rent a place half way between your two jobs, so each of you has a half hour commute to work and see what happens.
You're kind of over thinking this, for such a tiny distance between you two.
(Don't people actually live in Baltimore and work in DC, and vice versa?)
You don't sound like you're in love...it sounds like a bit of an "affectation". I say that because you could have just as easily said it was "love at first sight" rather than use the French term though it seems you're French through and through, or wish to be. Perhaps you're just in love with being in love?
So you think it'll take 6-9 months to find a job in NYC but "smooth" to find one in D.C.? You think it is THAT much more expensive to live in NYC compared to D.C. and you don't want to raise kids in NYC? Considering you're in love and were already considering moving to D.C, what's the diff with NYC? If the romance didn't last wouldn't it be easy as pie to just go to D.C. as originally planned?
Sounds like this could be a grand adventure but you're not very open or flexible with the supposed love of your life. At 40 you should know yourself well...what do you say?
Dear Reneeh,
Thanks for replying promptly to my post. Yes I am 100% French, born and raised, but moved to the US a while ago.
Qualifying love is a rather hazardous task, and I would rather not get too much into details about it. In this case, I trust my feelings as they are truly genuine. As mentioned in my original post, it is a weird feeling but I do not think I have experienced that level of intensity / affection in the past. Should I repeat I am French haha (romance...)
As for NYC, you raised some very good and important questions. Let me explain a bit more as I have not provided that information yet.
Currently I am living and working in Baltimore. I see no major issues with the idea of moving to DC (4 days of commuting, which I could tackle easily, and one day working from home). In this case the transition should be rather smooth as I can look for jobs after let's say 6 months after being in DC. I also know DC pretty well now, which has a clear advantage.
I feel NYC is much more expensive (apartment rental) than DC, it is utterly crowded, feel somewhat dirty, and yet I understand it might be a new experience that I may NOT want to pass on. I am not 100% against NYC, but that was not my first choice in my mind. I think that specific move would have been much easier if I were in my 20's for instance. I guess I got too comfortable and do not want to give it away. As for DC, it is smaller, no skyscraper, way cleaner, and not too overcrowded. I feel more connection to it. That's just my instinct that speaks though. In order to fully experience NYC, one must be living at least once there.
I do not know yet whether I am flexible or not since no decision has been made yet, but the fact that I am in the thought process is rather positive, and I consider it as a mental preparation since I consider this relationship to be very serious (actually I believe both of us are serious). Believe me, I would not care much if I did not thought it was important.
And yes, I agree with you, it could be a superb adventure. I know it has been superb since the beginning I met her.
Again thanks for your feedback, specially about NYC, .
Cheers,
Max
PS: I will reply to any other individual posts later in the day. Thanks a lot for the feedback. It is very helpful!!!
First, I think the others are right, that you've only known her 4 months, which isn't long enough to really KNOW her, and to know if anything serious would work out in the future. I'm glad you've found someone who seems like a good fit, that's wonderful. But as often as not, people who seem wonderful in the beginning, later show signs of not being so wonderful, when you get to know them more deeply. The point here is, that 4 months is nothing to bank a future on, if you see what I (and the rest of us) mean.
I think you should try to relax, enjoy seeing her in the present, and wait to see if she's offered the job. Apparently, she doesn't share your qualms about NYC. Let her do what's best for her. After she's made her decision, then a new set of questions will arise for you.
And just to give you one more thing to think about, haha, while I advise you to stop thinking so much , you could consider living outside NYC, and taking the train in for work. That way, you'd avoid some of the zoo. I don't know how the economics of that work out, in terms of the expense of such a commute, but some people do it.
Ultimately, I think it's sad you've never met a woman you feel you could be yourself around, prior to turning 40. I can't imagine why that would be. You shouldn't have to go through life, pretending to be anyone other than who you are. Good luck, OP!
You've been dating for about four months. IMO, it's way too soon to start thinking about moving in together or relocating to be closer to one another much less where you're going to raise any potential kids.
If she gets an offer that appeals to her, she should take it. Baltimore to NYC is just three hours. That's doable for a long distance relationship. Heck, y'all could meet in Philly on the weekends if three hours is too far.
Date one another, continue to get to know one another. Don't make life altering decisions because of a brand new relationship.
Yes, about 4 months, and of course I expected that comment, which is perfectly reasonable. If I were the one replying to that post, I would have written the same thing. And yet, it is hard to describe using words, it is very instinctive and has felt very natural. There is also a good possibility that my "vision" is somewhat blurred, and need to look carefully at all pros and cons. Last year, I was with someone for about a bit more than a year, and I would have never moved with that person.
If she gets the offer (and if the offer is good for what she wants), I think she should take it. (i) I do not want her to be resentful if she does not take it. (ii) her career is important, and I respect that. (iii) it will also be a good test for the two of us.
As for the Bmore/DC - NYC distance, yes, it is definitely doable, at least on my side. As mentioned before, I would be fine with the commute, and I could definitely work remotely on Fridays (so Friday-Sat-Sunday, I could be in NYC, and also looking/networking for potential jobs while being over there) . However, when I mentioned that there was a possibility that I would move to DC regardless of her choice, she started to question a bit my choice. That makes me think it might be a bit more problematic on her side. Obviously, when it comes to that point, a discussion between the two of us will be made. I want us to be very clear on every aspects. It is fair for everyone.
Ultimately, the final decision will remain her choice, and I will accept and support that choice, and I will do my best to make this journey possible. Of course, we all know that a relationship only works when the two are willing to cooperate, that's the reason I mentioned "it will also be a good test".
A very good point about Philly, which I really like! Thanks again for your feedback and thoughts.
That was my thought: I lived in NNJ, commuting distance to NYC and it was exorbitant, but I'm not sure DC was any cheaper. And, in both areas, it depends on how close you are to the center of things and how picky you are about living in a neighborhood with good schools.
Try not to over-think it, although I'm a bad one to give advice on this because I worry about stuff well in advance. If she does get a job offer in NYC you'll have decisions to make but that may not happen for awhile.
Dear Athena53,
Thanks for the feedback. Yes, one of my "fear" is the cost of living in NYC. At the moment, she is in the low 100k (DC) and I am about 100k (Bmore), so we should not complain about our current situation. But I am very well aware those salaries won't go very far if we were in NYC.
I see the over-thinking process as being both a drawback and an asset. A drawback as it tends to be a characteristic of being risk averse (which I need to fight against, I think I am getting slightly better at the idea), but also an asset as it allows to develop a good rationale when facing such a situation.
Ultimately, you are right though, whether it happens or not remains to be seen, I think the important part is to be prepared, accepting the other's wishes and then move forward from there.
It really helps me to hear all different perspective.
Cheers,
Max
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(romance...)
, you could consider living outside NYC, and taking the train in for work. That way, you'd avoid some of the zoo. I don't know how the economics of that work out, in terms of the expense of such a commute, but some people do it. 
