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It's bull crap because it's toxic thinking and can ruin a relationship.
I think it IS toxic thinking...but I also think there's truth to the idea.
FIRST of all, the idea that someone has to have the power is toxic. Marriage and good relationships is a partnership, where ideally, each person brings strengths (and weaknesses) to the table, and two people compliment each other.
To think otherwise, is toxic.
And that said...I remember when I was going through a divorce from my first husband, I had said to my mom "The next person I get involved with...I'M going to be the strong one. I'M going to be the one in charge." My mom was like "Oh Sassy! You don't want to go through life like that." But at the time, that is certainly how I felt. But my mom was right. I found out I DIDN'T want to go through life like that.
Turned out...for me, that didn't work out so well. If I can't respect the guy, than I can't be with him for very long. There were various men, and in various ways...I couldn't respect them ultimately. So, for ME, holding all the power wasn't a happy way to be.
Hmm... It's usually more complex than that, I think. I mean this "rule" might fly in a relationship that only lasts a very short time. But in a longer one like a marriage? There's gonna be more to it.
Case in point, my marriage, 1997-2015, RIP. I thought I held a lot of power because I cared less. He loved me in a fairly intense way, however...it was a kind of love all wrapped up in his needs and his ego. A clinging, desperate, insecure and unhealthy sort of love. The kind where you can only feel safe if you are doing controlling behaviors. But I always knew that if it ended, it would be because I walked away, and it would be up to me to do. I wasn't emotionally invested enough in him to be hurt by the idea (or the reality, really) of our relationship coming to an end.
But someone in my situation can be leveraged by other factors and forces. Sure, I could have left without heartbreak, and he was never going to do that. But I needed help adulting at first, which he was able to use to leverage my cooperation with a far more serious relationship than I even wanted...and later after we had children, I loved my children more than every other person on the planet combined, including myself and definitely including him. And he could use that to force me to stay, so long as I felt it was "best" for the kids.
There can be a lot more power and control factors at play in a long term connection, than just how each adult in the couple feels about one another.
Now I am in a healthy relationship, and I believe that when you hit that jackpot, where you have both people truly invested, truly in love, and neither is just settling in some apathetic way or leveraged by other factors...they are together because they both legitimately want to be with one another and no one else... I mean, this feels like magic to me, it's the first time I've ever had it. And the only "power" imbalances are the ones we just play with for fun now and then. We don't need to manipulate or control each other to get needs met or to feel secure. It's awesome.
And I'd say that speaks to what others are saying about these power imbalances being toxic. In a really good relationship, you should not be able to even figure out which person loves the other the most or least. The love is mutual, reciprocal, flowing in this sort of infinite feedback loop that nourishes both people emotionally.
The sad part is, there are probably a great many people who never find this.
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