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Hi all:
I’m needing some advice on a relationship I formed since last fall online on a chat site.
I had recently lost my mother and I went into a chat room for a distraction from grief and estate issues. I started a friendship with a man who, like me, was single, never married-were both in our 50s and live about 5 hours from each other. We started out as friends but slowly became more invested in just talking between the two of us and not in a chat room with others. I noticed he had a wide group of female friends online many of whom seemed very curious about our budding friendship. He told me he had been online for 17 years and he had many longtime female friends online but no romantic relationship presently. To me it seemed these women were interested in more than friendship with him and a few were quite jealous and possessive of hiim.
Over the past six weeks he created a chat room specifically for the two of us to meet every night. We meet for about an hour before we retire and talk about our day. Before when we chatted in a room with others, he had his name showing as “online” so others could see his location (what room he was in) and be able to private message him. Since he opened the room for us, he blocks his online presence so no one can see that he is in a room chatting just with me. I asked him why the change and first he claimed he just doesn’t click his online button but then he admitted he doesn’t want people knowing where he is. I asked him if we were a secret and he said no. To me it looks like he’s keeping his options open and doesn’t want women that like him to know that he’s forming a relationship that’s exclusive
The more pressing question I have relates with his behavior in chat rooms when I’m not there.
Several months ago, on a Saturday night, we were talking about getting to know each other better. I told him that I didn’t want to be involved with anybody who was flirty in the chat rooms. I saw too many chat room lothario types that hurt women and I didn’t want to be involved with anybody that was like that. He said he was not so we decided to go forward and get to know each other. I went to bed but apparently he stayed up and chatted. The next day I witnessed a female chatter looking for him in a room I was in, complaining that he never showed up this morning for the breakfast she was going to make for him—an imaginary breakfast of course, like they were kidding around. This particular woman is married and is online frequently as a room moderator. She posts very suggestive fake profile pictures and flirts with every man that goes in to the room she moderates. I’m not proud of this but that day I ghosted on the site to watch any interaction he might have with her. Sadly, he signed on and when hearing she was looking for him, he went to her room and said “ I hear you miss me.” They continued flirty banter with him even stopping by her room later announcing he was there so she could get her “Joe Fix”. Needless to say I was pretty hurt and I stayed away from him for a few days. He emailed me wondering where I was so I finally confronted it and told him what I saw. He denied flirting saying that she was just someone that everyone kidded around with—more importantly, he would never do that because she was married. I thought that was the end of it and I decided to move forward and believe him.
Unfortunately, I continue to notice he stops in her room to say hi pretty regularly—often right before he meets me in our room. I admit, I spy on him but I need to know if I should take this serious. His Interchanges with her are very quick and usually very surface superficial—sometime she flirts with him and ask him where he’s been or if he misses her and she tells him she misses him. He just LOL’s but clearly he likes the attention.
I don’t like the fact that he continues to keep a connection with her especially because I told him that it upset me so terribly and that that’s not something I wanted to see go forward.
Things came to a head Easter night when I was about to go in our room but I checked the room she was in to see if he was in there. He was, so I went in there to say hi to everyone. He had just typed, “Oh I guess nobody missed me last week when I worked nights”, prompting her to type, “ oh I missed you Joe. Where were you all week?” I wasn’t thrilled so when we went to our room, I told him I was struggling with him continuing to go in to see someone who he knew clearly had upset me in the incident several months ago. Again he denied any flirting on either part and said “ she” is not “you”.
The thing is he never uses emotional language with me at all—he doesn’t say he misses me he or ask me if I miss him. He told me right from the beginning that he had trust issues and a bad history with relationship so he had walls built up. He refused my request last week for an initial phone call or text saying he rarely gave his cell number out and he wants to take this slow. He does want to talk nightly however in our room.
I’ve tried to keep it light but it’s painful that he has no problem flirting around with someone who he says means nothing.
So now what? Do I require he avoid this female flirt to show he cares enough to protect my feelings?
Am I being jealous when I should just ignore it and hope he tires of the superficial silliness?
I’m a person of values—I don’t flirt online or engage married men. I thought we were similar since that’s how he presented himself—as a hardworking country guy with good values who was shy with women and had been hurt. I’m looking for your thoughts, advice and strategies.
Thanks for reading!
Patty
A boyfriend. We started talking as friends but we got very close and we both admitted to each other that there is an attraction. He often talks about us in the future, I.e. how he gets up super early for work and how he’d want me to get up early with him., etc.
This is not a relationship.
You have no idea who this person is, what they do, if they are married, if they are a shape shifting alien for the Planet Zog.
Dysfunctional people hide in long distance relationships. Sorry. Most people want a relationship to be with someone they can see, date, share their lives with, and even have have sex. Yes, I have heard those romantic stories just like you have but for every fairy tale there are probably a few thousand failed attempts. Chat rooms are home to all sorts of pretend relationships. It's like playing house.
Think about why an adult middle aged male would hang in a chat room for hours every day. I would guess he is either married and bored or has ED and doesn't want sex at all. Maybe addicted to porn. He is hoping he can get someone interested and invested enough(YOU) to overlook his deficits. He may be looking for a nurse or a purse too. There is a reason why he is in that chat room instead of out and about in the real world. There are scads of single women out there he could be dating and having sex with. If he prefers to hang in a chat room, there is a reason.
You need to be a critical thinker and see the red flags flying. Do not become invested in a pretend relationship. Friendship is fine and you should not care how many women he flirts with online. No ownership, no love allowed. You don't even know this man. We can all be anything we want to be online. I can tell you anything I want and so can he!
Chat rooms are not real life. There are some wonderful people to meet online and there are also low life predators who want to take advantage of you in one way or another.
He's playing you. Avoid. Get involved in activities and groups in your community, so you can meet people in real life.
Just walk away from the whole thing, don't log back on to that chatroom so you won't be hooked into the scene again, and move on with your life.
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