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We have all heard of mixed religion marriages, but what about this...
If you are a theist, have you ever had a serious relationship with an atheist - or vice versa? I recently entered such a relationship about six months ago and although we are promised to be fully open, we have only discussed this briefly with each agreeing that the other's beliefs are their own and there is no attempt to convince each other that anyone is "wrong" or "right." So far, for six months the relationship is working.
The last time I tried such a relationship was back in HS and it worked for a number of good years, but ultimately we really didn't have enough in common to continue.
I am interested to know if any here have fallen for someone who is on the other end of the belief/non-belief spectrum and entered into a marriage? Have you made it work? How is it working? What are some of the obstacles or pitfalls you have encountered and how have you been dealing with them?
I am not asking anyone here to make any value judgements about theism vs. atheism we can all see there are plenty arguing about that elsewhere, just input about the working of the relationship.
Any thoughts or comments if you have been in this boat are welcome.
No problem as long one doesn't start to convert the other.
But if they decide to get married and plan to have kids, the MUST have a conversation about how they want to raise their kids (religion, values, traditions etc.) and come to a mutual agreement.
It has to be done before they get married. It should be a part of a conversation about many things like planning, sex expectations, how many kids they plan to have, money and budget, household chores, monogamy, family traditions to keep or skip, personal space and how they want to handle marital/family problems.
As Elina said, if you want to have kids, you really have to agree on many things before marriage or kids come into the picture. If kids aren't in the picture, it's easier, but still not easy.
It wouldn't work for me. I don't necessarily need my husband to be in absolute lockstep with me, but I would have a very difficult time feeling comfortable in a relationship in which we weren't at least mostly on the same page. I think it can be glossed over early on, but eventually as the relationship progresses, and especially if it leads to marriage and children, the question of faith is integral to decisions that you will need to make as a couple. If you are both are lukewarm in your beliefs, it may not matter much, but if either person is particularly convicted I think it would be very difficult to build a life together without at least agreeing on theist or not.
It wouldn't work for me. I don't necessarily need my husband to be in absolute lockstep with me, but I would have a very difficult time feeling comfortable in a relationship in which we weren't at least mostly on the same page. I think it can be glossed over early on, but eventually as the relationship progresses, and especially if it leads to marriage and children, the question of faith is integral to decisions that you will need to make as a couple. If you are both are lukewarm in your beliefs, it may not matter much, but if either person is particularly convicted I think it would be very difficult to build a life together without at least agreeing on theist or not.
It wouldn’t work for me either...didn’t really even work very well dating and just socializing.
I’ve been in two long term relationships of this sort, one that works and one that didn’t.
I’m a believer, and I’ve been married to my second husband for nearly 28 years. My DH sometimes has called himself an atheist, sometimes an agnostic. It has never been an issue, because neither of us has ever tried to persuade the other to change. I have very strong beliefs and live my spiritual path with gusto on an everyday basis. We talk about what I believe and what he doesn’t believe without rancor and we each find the other’s point of view interesting, but not threatening.
On the other hand, my first husband was the type of nonbeliever who needed to be right all the time. He would become angry if I mentioned anything of a spiritual, metaphysical, or even vaguely questioning nature, and derided everyone who had any belief system other than hard science. When we first met, my beliefs weren’t strong and I thought I could handle his rigidity and scorn, but as time went on, my spiritual path was becoming clearer to me, and I knew I couldn’t explore and expand my spirituality as I felt called to do if I continued to be married to him, so I asked for a divorce. It was the right thing, because I was feeling more and more stifled and couldn’t really envision any kind of pleasant or fulfilling future with him.
I think the difference between the two relationships is that my first husband had absolutely no intellectual curiosity, just a dull (in every sense of the word) conviction that he was right and everyone who believed otherwise was wrong.
Over the years, I’ve sometimes attended church, retreats, or other gatherings of fellow believers, and my DH is fine with that. Mostly I’m on a solitary path because my beliefs are unorthodox at this point. The only change I’ve made over the years was that, having been raised in a Christian, churchgoing household, I used to put up Christmas decorations, but after a couple of years, since he wasn’t into it, I stopped bothering and I never missed it.
I agree with others here that this should be discussed in depth before you get too serious, because if either or both of you care deeply about an aspect of your beliefs, how children should be raised, etc. it could be a huge stumbling block in the future.
It could be extremely problematic, depending on the people.
Theists are not all alike, nor are atheists. If you judge atheists by those that frequent the religion subforum here, you wouldn't believe it would be possible since they would spend most of their time ridiculing the believer.
But just as I wouldn't presume to judge all atheists by those few, I wouldn't judge all believers the same.
It would take a very open-minded, patient and confident couple to be able to weather this kind of relationship. True theists don't believe that your faith is something you can box off or only bring out on certain days of the week. It's part of who they are.
So I don't think there's a way to answer this question other than, "It depends on the two people who are trying."
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