Straight men who don't pursue women? (wife, loving, partner, attraction)
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You remind me of 'Steve' my best friend from highschool.
Steve and I are both 60 this year.
Steve is very lonely. He tends to be overly sensitive to the idea of rejection. In his mind, he does not want to be seen as pushy or over-bearing.
A few times, he has come across a single mother who was out of work. He went in like a knight in shining armor. He made all the repairs to the woman's car, filled her kitchen with food stocks, bought new clothes for her children and toys. Each time the woman was able to recognize that all she needed to do was to be polite and cuddle with him, and he would keep doing all those things. Steve would go to the extent of buying the woman appliances and going into debt for the woman. Then she would find a boyfriend and drop Steve.
Steve would go into a low funk, he and I have had many long talks. My trying to get Steve out of his funk. That was when Steve will admit to me that he and the latest woman never had sex.
Over the years, he has gone through this cycle four times with women.
Everyone who knows Steve thinks he is the greatest friend. Yet he remains a virgin. Because he is so sensitive that he does not want to offend a woman.
Now as we get older, he has diabetes and the usual old age problems that will plague all of us as we get older. Steve's mortality is within sight. It breaks my heart that Steve was never able to find a woman to settle down with.
Guys take rejection hard. I dont think most women understand that. Some guys learn to take rejection, as not a big deal. But other guys take rejection as a knife to their soul.
I hope you [the OP] can see this. Somehow you need to 'man up' and overcome that fear. I wish there was an easier way to say this.
Excuse me for saying so, but life is not all about getting laid.
Well ... technically, in a biological sense, it is, but I digress...
If Steve went in with a good heart and helped these women out when they were in need, then Steve can die knowing that he made the world a better place.
Those women can die knowing ... I don't what? That they had great sex? Either way, it's not any better.
And even if Steve did go in doing all those nice things with the intention of getting laid, the truth of the matter is that he still did them.
If a guy who does things like that out of the goodness of his heart can't even find a woman to be in a relationship with ... who is at fault?
In any case, your post does a pretty good job of illustrating the 'game' that men and women make each other play, and that is the real problem ... not wimpy men.
You remind me of 'Steve' my best friend from highschool.
Steve and I are both 60 this year.
Steve is very lonely. He tends to be overly sensitive to the idea of rejection. In his mind, he does not want to be seen as pushy or over-bearing.
A few times, he has come across a single mother who was out of work. He went in like a knight in shining armor. He made all the repairs to the woman's car, filled her kitchen with food stocks, bought new clothes for her children and toys. Each time the woman was able to recognize that all she needed to do was to be polite and cuddle with him, and he would keep doing all those things. Steve would go to the extent of buying the woman appliances and going into debt for the woman. Then she would find a boyfriend and drop Steve.
Steve would go into a low funk, he and I have had many long talks. My trying to get Steve out of his funk. That was when Steve will admit to me that he and the latest woman never had sex.
Over the years, he has gone through this cycle four times with women.
Everyone who knows Steve thinks he is the greatest friend. Yet he remains a virgin. Because he is so sensitive that he does not want to offend a woman.
Now as we get older, he has diabetes and the usual old age problems that will plague all of us as we get older. Steve's mortality is within sight. It breaks my heart that Steve was never able to find a woman to settle down with.
Guys take rejection hard. I dont think most women understand that. Some guys learn to take rejection, as not a big deal. But other guys take rejection as a knife to their soul.
I hope you [the OP] can see this. Somehow you need to 'man up' and overcome that fear. I wish there was an easier way to say this.
Wow that kinda describes me. At least the part about rejection being soul crushing and not wanting to bother women part. I don’t do chores and fix things for them.
My guess is Steve is not an attractive man which is why he gets friendzoned.
I haven't pursued much in the past because of fear of rejection. But if I'm set up or meet someone naturally, I will pursue. I just need an indication of interest from the woman (which is so hard to gauge) and then its on. I'm going to have to pursue more now because I'm older and this has been such a pain point for me and I'm tired of it.
OP, from my perspective, as a woman, when you are initially talking to a woman just treat her like a person. I swear I think all these "I got friend zoned!" stories are where guys either have no ability to read cues and no ability to communicate, or they are jumping through hoops doing circus tricks trying to win a woman's affection, and that's neither intelligent nor necessary.
No, there is no need to aggressively pursue anybody. Women do get tired of men coming on strong with agendas, usually for sex. I do think that online dating is an exception, because ostensibly everyone there should be there to try and make romantic connections of some kind, and women who are on OLD just need to buck up and learn now to say no, and after all given these are websites with the usual controls, if a woman says no and the guy gets stupid about it, she can always just block or ignore him. Easy! So yeah, that's the place where it makes sense to put yourself out there. But with random women you meet in the real world? Just treat 'em like humans. If they are friendly, be friendly, if they seem willing to go on being friendly, keep at it, if they keep seeming to want time and contact with you, then there might be a time where you can ask them out, just don't act like if she isn't into you like that, then "mere" friendship is a consolation prize.
Guys should not need to be buying lots of stuff for women or bending over backwards. Should be just easy peasy chill friendships, until some kind of communication happens that lets them both know that "more" might be on the menu.
But when a guy I still consider to be a stranger, propositions me for a date, if we aren't on a dating site...Hm. Yeah, not likely.
@Submariner, I wonder how many of these women said that your friend's behavior was so very kind but they were not comfortable with him doing so much...and he INSISTED...and likely also INSISTED it was just out of the goodness of his heart. He probably told them that there were no strings attached. But all the while he was wanting and wishing and hoping for more. Just instead of bringing that up, he tried to shove them into a place of indebtedness. It is an act of desperation, that only desperate people undertake. And clearly, it doesn't work. I'm sorry for your friend, too. He sounds like a kind person, but how genuine is kindness when it's driven by ulterior motives, I don't know.
Regarding "salesman like" behavior (from OP's comments and others)...
I have enjoyed the joke that being a woman is being forever subjected for living breathing informercials for the D. I then, in a conversation with a friend, went on to have some laughs over what product it's most similar to...I'd love to hear more, but we compared it to the ShamWow and (my favorite) BowFlex. I said if I were a dude, I'd totally start referring to my junk as the BowFlex Revolution as a joke. It would be great.
We still don't know what the OP would do in a situation, in which the woman makes it clear she's interested in him, but won't take the final step of asking him out. (Some women just have a thing against that.) If his reason for not asking women out, is to avoid being viewed as too aggressive, or not wanting to put the woman on the spot if she's not interested in him, what about situations in which a woman has made it clear one way or another, that she's definitely into him? The considerations causing the OP to opt out of asking her out would be absent in such instances.
OP? What say you?
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-28-2019 at 12:24 PM..
Excuse me for saying so, but life is not all about getting laid.
Well ... technically, in a biological sense, it is, but I digress...
If Steve went in with a good heart and helped these women out when they were in need, then Steve can die knowing that he made the world a better place.
Those women can die knowing ... I don't what? That they had great sex? Either way, it's not any better.
And even if Steve did go in doing all those nice things with the intention of getting laid, the truth of the matter is that he still did them.
If a guy who does things like that out of the goodness of his heart can't even find a woman to be in a relationship with ... who is at fault?
In any case, your post does a pretty good job of illustrating the 'game' that men and women make each other play, and that is the real problem ... not wimpy men.
I recall talking to women that would brag to me about such saps doing free stuff for them. I just shook my head.
I also don’t get why some men are so afraid of rejection. Being rejected is neither a reflection on the man , nor a terminal condition. Go ahead and approach, just don’t be a DB if she says no. Pretty easy.
That being said... I am sure that there are “some” women who might not like being approached, but I believe that they are more the exception rather than the rule.
Trust me.. we won’t beat you up for simply making an approach.
I agree but the part I don't get is why women, at least in western countries, don't do the approaching (at least as often as men) or taking initiative to court and romance a guy if "getting rejected is no big deal."
I agree but the part I don't get is why women, at least in western countries, don't do the approaching or taking initiative to court and romance a guy if "getting rejected is no big deal."
How many times has this been asked and answered? Women do approach and "ask", that's why we know it isn't a big deal. I perceive the guy not agreeing with this and seeing no evidence of it is merely showing that it's never happened to him. Especially if he asks such a pointed question with insinuations.
I agree but the part I don't get is why women, at least in western countries, don't do the approaching or taking initiative to court and romance a guy if "getting rejected is no big deal."
Because they know it hurts that’s why a lot don’t do it but will practically shame men about it who are afraid of rejection so men will keep pursuing and they won’t have to.
But I have seen a few women agressively approach my good looking friends. It’s never happened to my ugly ass but it does happen to attractive men at times.
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