Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Good for YOU! How's that working for YOU? For my wife and I, it works very well. We have been happily married for 21 years and been together for 25 years. We've been together since our sophomore year in college. We like to keep drama out of our happy marriage. All my college friends also have the same mentality both men and women....Guess what? They are still married to the same people. Amazing huh? 100% successful rate. Not a single divorce. But hey, keep doing what you are doing if it works for you.
Fair enough, but there are also happy long-term relationships where neither partner tries to control the other. Being with someone doesn't have to mean cutting yourself off from the rest of the world. You can be happy and drama free while still maintaining relationships with other people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by swgirl926
The OP never said that he forbid his gf from being around this Tom guy, nor did he say that she could not interact with the opposite sex.
I know. I was responding to the other person. Not OP.
The OP never said that he forbid his gf from being around this Tom guy, nor did he say that she could not interact with the opposite sex. He said he feels uncomfortable, and quite frankly, I can understand why. I'll be forthright in saying that I used to pull some of the same crap as the OP. Nothing so far as going camping alone with a guy or anything like that, but being friends with guys and exes that perhaps had an ulterior motive. It didn't lead to me cheating or anything, but honestly, if the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't like it if a guy did that to me. I think part of me wanted to soften the blow of breaking up with an ex, or I just liked the attention that I felt I wasn't getting from whoever I was with at the time, and I sought it elsewhere without addressing it with the person that I promised a committed relationship to. Looking back on it, that was a screwed up thing to do. I've developed enough self-awareness to be able to acknowledge my behavior and how it could possible be perceived.
I don't know the OP's gf from a can of paint and don't know what her motives are. And, no, you are right, he can't control what his gf or anyone else does. But he can control his response to the situation, up to and including leaving it. She's with herself 24 hours a day and may not have an ill intention in her body. But the OP isn't and doesn't know that. I like what was I think Sonic Spork said about having boundaries and not putting oneself in a position where something could happen. I don't think that is unreasonable at all. These days I still have male friends, but we do not put ourselves in positions that even suggest impropriety. Life is challenging enough without unnecessary BS.
I've been friends with guys I've known are a bit into me. It doesn't bother me because they keep it appropriate... that is, they don't keep mentioning it, they don't harp on it, etc. I only know about it because of hearing about it from other people, get a hint from something they say that they think isn't transparent, or they said something once and immediately backed off and never mentioned it again when I said I wasn't interested in more than friendship, etc. I'll decline to lead on guys who I know are into me and would get the wrong idea from me spending time with them, or who I know are into me and continue to press their case despite the fact that I've either said I'm not interested or am with someone else.
I'd feel the same way about anyone I was involved with. If she's into him but doesn't act like it, it's fine; that's her issue to deal with. If she makes it his issue or mine-- if she's obviously sniffing around, blatantly trying to get him to be with her, etc., it's more of a problem. Both because she's being incredibly disrespectful to both of us (me for obvious reasons; him because why would you be into someone hanging around like a vulture hoping your relationship will end? That's neither classy nor nice), and because he knows it's a slippery slope (if for no other reason than that it could create drama and misunderstandings) and doesn't value me/our relationship enough to not go sliding down it anyway (I don't care if he doesn't want to make things awkward or doesn't want to hurt her feelings; that just would prove he cared about her feelings more than mine).
Like I said, OP's gf might be the most faithful person in the world and, knowing this, might think there's no problem hanging out with this Tom guy because she knows she won't let anything happen. But, Tom doesn't know that and that's where the trouble could come in. As I said, Tom probably thinks there's a big possibility they'll hook up, and that can be problematic for a lot of reasons.
I've been poly, I'm not averse to open relationships. But HONESTY is everything to me. I'm all about trust.
In your shoes, I'd want a serious sit-down with my partner. MY take would be, "Look...in my book, interest in other people isn't a relationship ending event, but dishonesty really is. I need to know where you stand, and if you have nothing but friendship and intentions of friendship with these guys, I have to tell you that your lack of boundaries with them is really bothering me. And it's not going to stop bothering me. Which means that you are going to have to weigh up in your mind, which is more important...your right to carry on in exactly the manner you've been doing, or consideration of my feelings about this. Only you can say which is more important to you. But if the first is more important than the second, you should know I have the right to my own boundaries, which include not being with someone who makes me feel this way."
See it's important to me, not to be controlling, too. But we ALL have the right to decide what we can and cannot be ok with in a relationship. It isn't an ultimatum. It's a statement that you've got the self worth to choose not to keep putting yourself through something that is hurtful. "You make your choice, and I'll respect your choice, but then I have to make a choice of my own, for myself."
So anyways in other words, I'm not even strictly a monogamist and I find her behavior questionable. You are not jealous or controlling, to have concerns in a situation like this, unless you have seriously misrepresented the events that you described.
Well your the type that loves making new friends and feel any chemistry that might spark up, and there WILL be chemistry with some new guys you meet, and you enjoy the experience. You also hold boundaries and will not cheat on your SO. A lot of women prefer not to THAT close to other men when in a relationship.
I'm single and know happily married women that just will not do what you do. When I talk to this one married woman she will not look me in the eye when we talk in person. I think for her it's too personal to even have eye-to-eye contact with a single man. It could spark some chemistry and she doesn't want that to happen.
I do. I'm not afraid of a little bit of chemistry, innuendo, or jokey flirtation. But I also know how to (usually with snarky humor) deflect that energy off in some random direction if it gets to be excessive or inappropriate. And here's another thing. All of these people I know...there is not one that I have any discomfort or problem interacting with, with my boyfriend present. He's got full access to my social network. Only exception is my Ex and the only reason I don't want my boyfriend and my Ex to meet, is that my Ex is an aggressive, nasty person, and I don't want the man I love to have to deal with his crap. But boyfriend knows that the odds of me being in any way intimate with my Ex again are slimmer than none, I'd rather be set on fire and put out with a lawnmower. I really do not like the guy. We only interact because we've got to, we're coparents of two nearly grown boys.
I dunno, I can't go as far as one poster in saying that no one should be "letting" or "allowing" (or not) a partner to do whatever. You might think that you are in control of your partner, but that's largely an illusion. They are an autonomous person who will do whatever they'll do, ultimately. You CAN'T actually control another person completely, short of locking them up. Your partner either consents to restrict THEMSELVES out of consideration for your comfort, or they don't. Some folks don't want their partner to have any kind of "friends" of the opposite sex. I feel more comfortable with a partner who CAN have tons of opposite sex friends, yet knows how to manage boundaries and is 100% honest with me. I'd rather have a guy who actually had a second full relationship with another woman that I totally knew about, than a guy who was afraid to tell me that he had a female friend, so he kept it a secret even though there was nothing romantic about it.
I just don't think that cheating-prevention is best handled by expecting someone to hide from everybody who might see them as sexually interesting. I'm not going to live my life around whatever is going on in other people's heads to that extent. I'd find that to be insufferably restrictive.
I mean sure, "chemistry" can lead to sex, but only if we LET it lead to sex. Anyone remember making out as a teenager? One of the biggest challenges was sometimes finding enough privacy to get frisky with someone. You've got to make space for the opportunity, and it's pretty easy to manage that piece if you decide that's where your boundary is. So I'm not riding in cars with my male friends, or inviting them to my house when I'm home alone, or...going camping with them!
But the other reason I would not plan and/or execute a situation that might really feel like an opportunity, is that I really hate having to romantically reject male friends. If I only see them in public spaces and social gatherings, it's really easy to never have to deal with that. So while I might get annoyed when people say, "Well the woman needs to understand that what she thinks isn't important, it's what the boyfriend thinks, and what the other guy thinks, that REALLY matter" (Wow, what a woman thinks/feels is never even relevant, huh?) but at the same time if I put myself in the woman's shoes, I'm thinking that I want the friendship, I like that, I don't want to have to hurt "Tom's" feelings because he got his motor running when I disingenuously set up a situation that would "give him ideas" and now I look like I was playing games with him... Yeah how about no. That is drama I don't need/want. It does not have to be about the boyfriend's feelings, or what Tom is thinking, it can be about making the task of boundary maintenance way easier for me.
But I have a multitude of male friends who are perfectly capable of respecting that I'm not going to have sex with them. Some have let me know they find me attractive, have complimented me or told me that my boyfriend is a lucky man or something, but they never test my boundaries. The very few who have, over the years, I simply avoid until they get the picture. But the people I socialize with are not the kinds of people who only leave their house in pursuit of sex, or who only talk to women in pursuit of sex. Those types don't last long in the communities I'm part of anyhow.
I dunno, thinking about all this, I guess there are a lot of various situations I've learned how to deal with, because I am all about big, complex social networks and interactions. If one were less extroverted than I am, or less self-aware or socially savvy, I can see how it's maybe just easier to avoid friendships, than to manage situations. *shrug* Whatever works!
thank you everyone for being so responsive. First of all, I just want to say that I'm not the type of guy to tell my girlfriend what to do or what not to do. I hate it when someone tries to control my life, which I've experience before with an ex. My gf and I have been together for 3 years and she always tells me how her previous bfs were so jealous and controlling and she likes the fact that I am not like that. This only came up because I know TOM would jump at any opportunity he gets, and I trust that my girlfriend would not do anything. Going back to all of the points that you guys make: Yes, She is allowed to have any friends she wants, yes it doesn't mean that she will do anything with him. However, my point was that this situation makes me very uncomfortable. We actually have a mutual friend that told her he likes her, while he was drunk. And it didn't make me uncomfortable because he respects our relationship and respects the boundaries. We are still friends with him and nothing has changed. However, "Tom" is not respectful of the boundaries. Either my girlfriend is clueless or she is doesn't mind.
My argument is that a good friend should never try to ruin your relationship with your significant other. And I think that is what he is trying to do. If TOM is really her friend, he should not try to sabotage a great relationship. We do have a great relationship. We are moving in together, we are happy. She has a great job, I'm getting my masters in engineering this summer and I am currently looking for a job. Our lives are going great. I want to make it clear that my girlfriend is not a bad person, she is amazing. But problems arise all the time and I'm reaching out to you guys to figure out the best way to approach it. I don't want to seem controlling or jealous. I just want to find a solution with my girlfriend and move forward.
Either my girlfriend is clueless or she is doesn't mind.
It's alarming to me that after 3 years, you don't know which it is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by leboss12345
My argument is that a good friend should never try to ruin your relationship with your significant other. And I think that is what he is trying to do. If TOM is really her friend, he should not try to sabotage a great relationship.
TOM is not your enemy here. TOM should not be your focus. He is but one of a dozen guys who probably have eyes on your amazing girlfriend right now, and none of them would matter if your amazing girlfriend understood how HER behavior is threatening your relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by leboss12345
But problems arise all the time and I'm reaching out to you guys to figure out the best way to approach it.
Is she an attention ho? Needs constant validation?
The main thing you cannot do is be afraid that you will scare her off by expressing herself.
It's interesting that she praised you for not being "controlling." I wonder how she defines "controlling," because if it means she can stretch the boundaries and hang out with guys who are gunning for her without regard for your feelings, then you need to know that.
It reminds me of something I read ... I personally don't believe in the concept of a homewrecker. If someone else was able to come in and wreck your relationship, it's because someone opened the door and let them in.
I believe she is taking advantage of your being busy. You need to assert yourself and let her know you are uncomfortable with this and ask her what her goal is with keeping these guys around as "friends." If y'all are on the verge of moving in, you need to know this stuff.
She's disrespecting you right now, but she won't know that if you don't tell her.
Spoilers: she’s not clueless about other men. She already knows the guy reaching out to her all the time wants more from her then just platonic relations. It’s a known fact that isn’t in contention.
The only purpose in feigning ignorance in this situation can be for the purposes of plausible deniability or the offset of potential responsibility and blame.
You have to make it known this is something that bothers you. No beating around the issue or trying to come off as a good guy. It bothers you and this is why. Period. No extra fluff should be needed.
It IS an issue, whether or not she agrees or doesn’t agree on the matter. It still is and will be an issue within the relationship you have together as long as you are together unless you address it in a way that you can both feel comfortable with the outcome of.
Last edited by rego00123; 06-27-2019 at 12:03 PM..
This is complete insanity. People can and should befriend whoever they want. Any relationship where the two of you have to shun the opposite sex because you fear something might happen is an incredibly weak relationship anyway.
yeah, sorry, that is my opinion and I stick with it. Doesn't mean I shun anyone. But what's the point of texting and hanging out with another guy if I have a guy? It only invites trouble. I am not in fear anything might happen, I find it lacks respect to my partner if I give out my number to other guys. Why act like you are available if you aren't?
I do have guy friends but if I am in a relationship I am not that friendly to strange men that they ask me for a number ... and even if they ask, I would not give it to them. 90% of the time a guy asks for my number it means he is interested in me .. so why would I feed into this?
It's different if we work together and talk together during work - but that still doesn't mean we need to hang out after work or text all the time.
thank you everyone for being so responsive. First of all, I just want to say that I'm not the type of guy to tell my girlfriend what to do or what not to do. I hate it when someone tries to control my life, which I've experience before with an ex. My gf and I have been together for 3 years and she always tells me how her previous bfs were so jealous and controlling and she likes the fact that I am not like that. This only came up because I know TOM would jump at any opportunity he gets, and I trust that my girlfriend would not do anything. Going back to all of the points that you guys make: Yes, She is allowed to have any friends she wants, yes it doesn't mean that she will do anything with him. However, my point was that this situation makes me very uncomfortable. We actually have a mutual friend that told her he likes her, while he was drunk. And it didn't make me uncomfortable because he respects our relationship and respects the boundaries. We are still friends with him and nothing has changed. However, "Tom" is not respectful of the boundaries. Either my girlfriend is clueless or she is doesn't mind.
My argument is that a good friend should never try to ruin your relationship with your significant other. And I think that is what he is trying to do. If TOM is really her friend, he should not try to sabotage a great relationship. We do have a great relationship. We are moving in together, we are happy. She has a great job, I'm getting my masters in engineering this summer and I am currently looking for a job. Our lives are going great. I want to make it clear that my girlfriend is not a bad person, she is amazing. But problems arise all the time and I'm reaching out to you guys to figure out the best way to approach it. I don't want to seem controlling or jealous. I just want to find a solution with my girlfriend and move forward.
okay. Then next time they want to hang, hang with them. See how she reacts when you suggest it, that will tell you everything you need to know.
I've been in a serious relationship for 3 years. We were best friends for 4 years and then it evolved into a relationship. My girlfriend is really outgoing, very social and loves to be around people and meeting new people. Lately, she met this guy, lets call him TOM, that told her he likes her and he asked her out on a date. She told me about it and she told him that she is in a relationship and that they can be friends though. They've been friends for more than 6 months now. I felt uncomfortable about it at the beginning because I went to a party with her and he was there. I saw him check her out so many times when she would walk by him. It was just so uncomfortable for me. I let it go because I trust my girlfriend and I know she wouldn't do anything.
2 weeks ago, we were hanging out on the couch and watching something on her phone.
Suddenly, a message pops up and its her ex-boyfriend and another message pops up and its another guy that I know likes her. She didn't tell me that she wasn't talking to them and I confronted her about it and she said, they texted her and she was just responding and she is sorry. So I let it go, however I lost a little bit trust towards her.
Going Back to Tom, he invites her to every single thing he does. Last week, I was very stressed out and I had an exam to study for. By the way, I'm 25, she's 27. I'm pursuing a masters and working at the same time.
Anyways, she knows how stressed out I was and that I have to study and still asks me if I wanted to go camping with her and Tom and his cousins. She doesn't know anyone except TOM. She told me that because I have to study, she doesn't feel guilty about leaving. Btw, she always plans stuff with her friends, then she asks me if I can come. If I can't, well too bad, she already planned it so she's going. I'm a pretty organized guy, so I always plan my week so that I have time for her and she told that she loves that about me.
Now that she's back from camping, I'm getting a weird vibe. She is usually very sweet and calls me all the time and texts me in the morning. But I'm sensing something different. After I got out of my exam
(really really important exam), which ended at 4pm and she knew it would end at 4, she called me at 11 pm asking me how the exam went. I just feel that she is being distant, and I don't know what to make of it.
You are such a nice guy. I would have kicked her to the curb a long time ago.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
