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Really, and what personal life experience do YOU base the content of your posts on? You're 18; I'm 44 and I lost my virginity at your age. I'm also a demisexual and I make that clear to a guy right from the get go - there will be no physical intimacy without a deep interpersonal connection being formed FIRST. None of that sex after only the 3rd date crap. I did that in my 20's, it never ended well.
Oh, and about people over 40 being intimate being "gross" - I'm 44 and gave been in an off and on FWB arrangement since the age of 30 with a gorgeous (and very virile) man who is now 78 (and looks to be in his late 50s). Trust me, this, man is the farthest thing from "gross" there is.
Hi, I'm not too sure where else to turn to about this matter because I don't really have any married friends (I'm 18) and I'm definitely not asking any adults I know, I feel like I would be crossing a line. So I thought I would turn to this forum since you guys have been very helpful in the past.
My mom and me were out several nights ago and were discussing how she has a friend whose husband has been cheating on her for 5 years and she just found out. She kind of excused his behavior by telling me that the reason why he did it is because him and my mom's friend haven't been intimate in 7 years. I do not under any circumstances agree and I feel like a marriage should be so much more than that. You shouldn't just betray someone you love and take the infidelity route just because there isn't physical intimacy in your marriage. I find that so incredibly wrong and messed up. Anyways, one thing lead to another and in effort to explain to me that healthy marriages need intimacy, my mom told me that one of her best friends (who I know pretty well ew) is intimate with her husband every single night.
I was so grossed out by this because it completely ruined the picture I had of marriage. I thought intimacy was something really special and something kept for special occasions, not something people do every single day. I feel like that takes a huge part of the romance away and kind of mechanizes sex. But when I told my mom this she was all like "oh well it's what men want and sex is very important in a marriage" and I thought to myself "ew that's really gross" because it's just completely ruined my view of marriage I don't want to have to do that every day, I want it to be special. And then when I asked my mom how it's even possible for them to do it every day because wouldn't that make them feel super tired she was like "well it doesn't always last all night, it can be a 20 minute thing before you go to bed" and that made me even more upset.
I'm second guessing everything now and I'm so confused. Please tell me what my mom is telling me isn't normal, I can't be the only one who thinks it's not. I really don't want to live by my mom's advice exactly for reasons like this.
Thank You For Reading,
-E
I’m currently reading a really great book (it’s free to read on Amazon Prime) called “Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex and How to Get It” by Marty Klein. A couple of things you said reminded me of what I read in the book. First of all, it doesn’t matter what other people consider “normal” in regards to sex. What works for one couple might not work for another, so you shouldn’t feel like just because you’re hearing about a woman having sex every day with her husband that you’ll have to do that too. If you want to do it, fine, then it’s normal for YOU. Secondly, the book talks about how it’s unrealistic to feel like sex can only be had under perfect conditions. Sometimes people will be stressed, tired, bloated, or not as shower fresh as they would ideally like to be and that’s OK. Putting pressure on yourself to feel like sex always has to be some magical, special thing is going to hinder your ability to enjoy sex.
Anyway, it’s a great book. Everyone should read it!
it’s just something that really confuses me. I wouldn’t want to have sex on a daily basis I know that, and I feel like after marriage ... I don’t know. I blame my mom. I also feel like having sex on a daily basis and often, just because you’re supposed to, takes so much of the romance away and mechanizes sex. it loses its meaning. especially when someone does it just to satisfy their spouse
You aren't supposed to have it daily unless you want to. You might find you'd like to have it more than once a day. Particularly if you love someone, it is something you may find you want to do frequently. Sometimes it may take a long time, sometimes it might be a few minutes aka a quickie. Consider sex as a great dessert and romance as a meal. Sometimes we want to skip a meal. Sometimes we want dessert first.
You also might want to think about what you consider as romance. Is it Walking In The Moonlight, candles, flowers, poetry. That might be good stuff, but if it's only once in a while and the rest of the time your fellow is busy drinking beer and hanging out with his friends or playing video games......
What's better than flowers and wining and dining is the man that shows up when your car breaks down to make sure you are ok. The fellow that shares in making dinner and housework. The one that takes the kids out to the park to give you time to soak in the bath. The guy that thinks you are beautiful if you aren't wearing makeup and you've been sat on by a wet, stinky dog.
If you spend your whole time looking for romance you are going to miss it. It is the little things added up, not the big gestures that are made to impress or because it's Valentine's day and it's a person's duty to give a present or go out to dinner.
I recall a number of threads on here, where the guys insisted, that once they "get it out of their system", 2-3 times/week is enough. There have been women posting, who, after being with their guy a year and a half, suddenly saw a significant and puzzling drop-off in their guy's interest, and assumed he was losing interest in them personally. These were women, who enjoyed a daily schedule. They were told no, he hasn't lost interest in the gf personally, it's just that his drive has fallen back to a dull roar, after a year of "getting caught up", which is typical for guys, they said.
that would be enough. lol once a week seems like the norm, but of course when you're just starting dating it's harder to coordinate schedules, so it seems like most people see each other about once a week, sometimes more, in which case the number might go up - and of course there are those special double or triple days...lol. but, I haven't dated anyone for that long, so I would assume it would go down after a while, but then again if you're seeing each other more often, especially in the beginning, or even living together, then I'd think it would be higher bc of easier access.
There is no “normal@; sexual frequency tends to ebb and flow over the course of a long term relationship. Personally, after 20 years of marriage, the times when we were “on a daily” started to feel routine; almost like brushing one’s teeth. The most intense and satisfying encounters have been those which are spontaneous, regardless of frequency.
that’s the thing, it’s always other people who bring up, I’m not too comfortable discussing it actually I’m not good with intimacy of any kind. I’m an emotional person but I don’t like it when people touch me lol. don’t know why. i think what my mom told me about her friends has really affected me
I get that. It happens to me too. But honestly sometimes you have to be mean/stand firm and say it's none of your business. I think discussions about sex are off limits with some people. Unless I know that person isn't judgmental or going to try to turn the situation around to where it benefits them, I keep my mouth shut. No matter how much other people pry. I find it strange how easily and quick some people are to ask about someone else's sex life.
that’s the thing, it’s always other people who bring up, I’m not too comfortable discussing it actually I’m not good with intimacy of any kind. I’m an emotional person but I don’t like it when people touch me lol. don’t know why. i think what my mom told me about her friends has really affected me
All of this is just your insecurity talking.
You're nervous and unsure about it all because you don't have any experience with it and you don't know what it will be like or if you will be into it or if you will be any good etc.
It's natural to feel that way.
Just give yourself a chance to get there at your own pace. Don't freak out.
You're nervous and unsure about it all because you don't have any experience with it and you don't know what it will be like or if you will be into it or if you will be any good etc.
It's natural to feel that way.
Just give yourself a chance to get there at your own pace. Don't freak out.
If you don’t mind my asking, what’s demisexual? oh wait so you’re 2 years younger than my mom. yeah um I just meant that I kind of feel bad enough already about being completely clueless with respect to this. And what you said just made me a little sad because my friends tell me the same thing and it hurts a little maybe I’m being overly sensitive I don’t know.
Someone who can only experience a physically intimate relationship after a deep connection with the other person has been established. It's definitely not a casual thing. I've had that kind of a connection only with one person. I can't do casual encounters anymore, I need a mutual investment in both the relationship in general, and the intimacy in particular.
FWB - Friends With Benefits. Ironically the BEST intimacy I've ever had has taken place in such an arrangement, and I'm talking about the ground-shaking, crying, just laying there trembling from the tsunami of feelings intimacy - aka see above paragraph.
FWB - Friends With Benefits. Ironically the BEST intimacy I've ever had
isn't that kind of contradictory to:
Quote:
Originally Posted by ContraPagan
I can't do casual encounters anymore, I need a mutual investment in both the relationship in general, and the intimacy in particular.
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once a week seems like the norm, but of course when you're just starting dating it's harder to coordinate schedules, so it seems like most people see each other about once a week, sometimes more, in which case the number might go up - and of course there are those special double or triple days...lol. but, I haven't dated anyone for that long, so I would assume it would go down after a while, but then again if you're seeing each other more often, especially in the beginning, or even living together, then I'd think it would be higher bc of easier access.
