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I'm 21 and have been in a relationship for 3 years with an amazing girl. She's extremely caring compassionate and does a lot for me. I know we're both young, but she often looks to the future and talks about marriage and kids. We don't live together, but we spend around 4 nights a week together. All in all, we have quite a good relationship. However, we have one significant problem that is really affecting the relationship. We only have sex once every 2- 3 weeks (sometimes longer). This has been happening for the past 1.5-2 years, and was never a problem in the beginning of the relationship. I'm someone who is quite open and I like to discuss problems early on, so they don't become greater problems later down the track. So naturally, I've brought this up on a number of occasions. Each time she says she'll make more of an effort, but nothing really ever changes.
Amongst various other things, she's switched pills multiple times (didn't work) and even decided to completely go off the pill (6 or so months ago). Nothing she's tried has really sustainably changed anything. She says she's still extremely attracted to me, and I know she loves me dearly. In fact, she really enjoys having sex, and I always ensure that she orgasms (even though I don't myself around 75% of the time when we have sex). So the problem seems to be her wanting to have sex with me in the first place (even though she says she wants to try and have sex much more often). I often try to get her in the mood with passionate foreplay, or an intimate/extended massage, but as soon as I make any kind of move, she shuts me down with some kind of excuse e.g. I'm too tired, I have to be up early tomorrow morning, I don't feel comfortable right now, there's other people in the house (even if they're sleeping) etc. If she rejects me, I always honour this straight away and respect her decision without making a scene. I believe I've been more than patient with her, and despite her trying various things to fix this issue, I have my doubts whether her labido will ever be anything close to what I would hope. Honestly, I'm not sure I could continue with the relationship indefinitely knowing that it's probable that we'll only be having sex once per month. She's the most amazing girl and I truly love her so much, but I'm very confused as to what I should do. Any advice/help would be greatly appreciated!
We only have sex once every 2- 3 weeks (sometimes longer). I always ensure that she orgasms (even though I don't myself around 75% of the time when we have sex).
My first thought is that yes, there is a problem. Have you tried to talk THOROUGHLY with her? The more I know women the more I know they are just not being straight... Search for indicators what might be the cause:
- is you inside feel it is you, search for what makes you not want you... Maybe the way you look? You act? Or you do your thing? Maybe she imagines it differently. but she is too afraid to tell?
- a lot of people are closed in sex for reason they don't know neither. Maybe she generally don't want sex, and the reason is some deep psychological issue... bad first experience? Childhood traumna? Maybe some other believes? Stress? Women are deeply affected by this.
- And yes, there is like 1% chance she does not like sex by her very own nature, so I guess, "red flag" as they say.
Search for actual adviser, some medial specialist and so, ...
You said you take your time so I suppose intercourse is not painful for her or uncomfortable. Does she get wet (lubricated) enough? Is she masturbating more than being with you or into erotic literature or porn? How about seeking medical help just to make sure everything in her is functioning just fine? Lots of questions.
Dude you are 21. This relationship is getting too complicated and you are too young.
You need to exit. You two are not compatible sex-wise.
Either,
She is getting down with someone else and is too tired to do you. (yikes)
She is not into sex at all and just wants kids and be a family. (you will hate yourself and her for staying)
She is depressed and doesn't want to have sex. (not something you can fix nor should you waste your youth trying to fix)
Etc.
You seem like a nice dude but don't be the nice guy and act like you can fix everything. You need to realize that you are not compatible and move on.
Like that Kenny Rodgers song": You need to know when to hold them, when to fold them, when to walk away, when to run away,"" etc! This is a fold and run away.
This will only get worse as you get older. Sadly you are not sexually compatible and you should find someone who wants to have sex more than once a month.
You want more than she can give. Ask yourself if you can live with things like this, or a bit worse, for the rest of your life.
Because this kind of situation rarely improves.
I agree.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carly1983
This will only get worse as you get older. Sadly you are not sexually compatible and you should find someone who wants to have sex more than once a month.
I agree. I suspect that at her age, and fairly new in the relationship, the sex is the most that it will ever be.
Can you handle having sex only every three months in a year?
And only having sex once every six months in two years?
And sex (maybe, if you are lucky) on your 24th birthday and once a year on your birthday (or even less) in the future?
Childhood sexual abuse can often have that effect on a person.
And not everyone consciously remembers it.
Sounds like she has some sort of problem, maybe she can get help for it, bit if not, if you are not happy now, chances are you will be still not happy in 10 years time when it's festered into brooding resentment.
Have a frank discussion on this. Like others indicated, you seem healthy and she seems to have some hangups caused by whatever (sexual abuse; esteem problems; physical limitations, etc.).
Believe it or not, this is not your problem. Once you become betrothed, it becomes your problem.
I suggest you have a frank discussion. Let her know you will not be making anymore sexual advances and that this is your decision. Not to coerce her into having more sex,but to allow her to think on her difficulties with sex and to get professional help in fixing her internal situation. To do it you both have to agree not to have any kind of sex til she gets this addressed. You have to stop being her boyfriend and become her friend. She will need a friend ever if you move on. If you stay, you must move down to friend level.
If she chooses to embark on this journey, it will take time. It will take patience from the both you. You sound like the right guy to help get her through this. This is her problem that you can help her with.
Who knows, if successful, the two of you could end up with a relationship for the ages.
Last edited by JohnnyLackland; 08-02-2019 at 03:41 PM..
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..slow it down...
