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OP, you say that many factors contribute to the failing of your marriage and your mental health. Yet I see you focusing only on one aspect (the hoarding) and placing the blame primarily on your wife. There are circumstances where one spouses actions can destroy a marriage but, IMO, it's more common for the blame to be shared of a failed marriage.
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Good point. OP, could you clarify for us whether your PTSD and depression pre-existed the marriage? Depression often is caused by unresolved PTSD from earlier in life, i.e. childhood, or some traumatic event or series of evens. I can see how living with a hoarder could exacerbate your symptoms. Not sure if it makes sense to consider that the cause/root of them, though, and you do say "many factors" contribute to your mental health state, and that only "some" of the cause is the hoarding.
I’m wondering why you’ve needed three different counselors in two years, and how all three would come to the conclusion that living in a messy house with no countertop space is a Trumatic event.
When we consider the type of person diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it is because something very Trumatic has happened to them, and they are having behaviors directly related to that traumatic event.
You quit having sex 8 to 10 months ago, but only told her three months ago why that is? Didn’t she notice?
My traumatic event happened when I was 15. I am 33 now. My first councselor started to become too much of a friend after a while and lost effectiveness. Second one is a close acquaintance who is a counselor, I was "unofficial" seeing her. She's known me for years and has a good grasp of my past and supports the other two as to the facts of the PTSD. The third is the one I currently see who is "lighting a fire under my ass" and I've made moves to put things on the table so the wife is aware. Wife has been very passive-aggressive all this time and I was blind to see it till recently when I "saw the light."
We've had sex in the past few months but I don't feel about like I once did. The way she lives and does things is a huge turn off for me. We haven't slept in the same bed in 8-10 months. I don't feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed. I don't feel comfortable being close to her.
My traumatic event happened when I was 15. I am 33 now. My first councselor started to become too much of a friend after a while and lost effectiveness. Second one is a close acquaintance who is a counselor, I was "unofficial" seeing her. She's known me for years and has a good grasp of my past and supports the other two as to the facts of the PTSD. The third is the one I currently see who is "lighting a fire under my ass" and I've made moves to put things on the table so the wife is aware. Wife has been very passive-aggressive all this time and I was blind to see it till recently when I "saw the light."
We've had sex in the past few months but I don't feel about like I once did. The way she lives and does things is a huge turn off for me. We haven't slept in the same bed in 8-10 months. I don't feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed. I don't feel comfortable being close to her.
That clarifies.
I felt like that at the end of my marriage. It’s a steep hill to climb to get the attraction back. I wasn’t attracted to a great husband and father of our child who turned into a drug addict. There was only one thing that could’ve changed that situation, it never happened.
You aren’t attracted to a hoarder. Seems like you just have to decide how much time to give her.
Definitely consult with a lawyer before you decide who should move, if you move out and leave your wife and daughter in their home, it could very well be permanent.
Does she work, and earn her own money? If so, you can't take control of the finances to stop the hoarding.
She listened to you enough to clear some of the junk out. Maybe she'll listen to you further, if you insist she get professional help. Meds can alleviate obsessive-compulsive behavior. I don't know if that's true, when hoarding runs in the family, though. Maybe the others here are right, that rather than hold out false hope that she'll change, you should start making plans for a divorce, and make a clean break of it. Maybe a divorce and the loss of custody of her child will cause her to "hit bottom", and realize she has a problem. Or it may not.
So, as others have said, see a lawyer to find out what your options are, and to work out a plan. Photograph the clutter, to document the problem, in support of the argument that the mother can't maintain a safe, clean home for the child. Your lawyer can advise on this as well.
I can't imagine how you'll succeed in clearing out the home to put it up for sale, though, or how to proceed with a home sale with a reluctant partner. State laws usually state that a partner or co-owner can't prevent a sale if the other co-owner wants to cash out, but getting her out of there will be a challenging project. Your lawyer may have some ideas on how to achieve that.
Regarding PTSD, do a search for counselors that specialize in trauma and offer a technique called EMDR. It's a very efficient and effective way of treating and resolving the PTSD. If none of your counselors have resolved your PTSD in all this time, you need to find one who can. With EMDR, it only takes a few sessions.
Please give us an update when you've consulted with a lawyer. Often, the first consult is free, btw, if that helps.
The counselor I'm seeing now is doing the EMDR on me. I've dome it twice so far but not sure if I'm getting any effects from it yet. I'll see her tomorrow.
Good point. OP, could you clarify for us whether your PTSD and depression pre-existed the marriage? Depression often is caused by unresolved PTSD from earlier in life, i.e. childhood, or some traumatic event or series of evens. I can see how living with a hoarder could exacerbate your symptoms. Not sure if it makes sense to consider that the cause/root of them, though, and you do say "many factors" contribute to your mental health state, and that only "some" of the cause is the hoarding.
The PTSD and depreession stems from when I was 15 (now 33). However it seems the things she does and the way she lives triggers me most days.
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AJ, you seem to be blaming your wife for everything that's gone wrong in your marriage, but it seems to me you came in to this marriage with enough issues to make it almost impossible for you to be successful.
You're blaming your wife for "triggering" your previous difficult issues.
It seems to me, that she might be the easier partner to live with and get along with.
And now you have a child in the mix. :-/
Honestly, it seems her issues of being a hoarder aren't as difficult to overcome as your issues with PTSD and your complete disdain of your wife.
Best wishes. Hopefully, somehow, against all odds you two can come together and work out a plan to raise your child in a healthy home.
The counselor I'm seeing now is doing the EMDR on me. I've dome it twice so far but not sure if I'm getting any effects from it yet. I'll see her tomorrow.
You should notice right away that you're more calm and able to focus your thoughts. Obsessive thoughts about traumatic past events should stop, if that was one of your symptoms. You might be sleeping more easily. Some counselors use an audio component, in which case it takes a few sessions to get used to the technology and the procedure.
Clara, I don't disagree that my issues have an effect on our marriage. They just seem to become more drastic when she's around. She likes to live in chaos. I have to have organization. She can't multitask any nor do most single tasks efficiently. I can do two load of dishes three loads of laundry cook dinner and clean the house up all while both my kids are here. I'm not sure why I can do it and she can't. There are things/habits she has/does that I sware she does them because she knows they irritate me. Some of them are just childish. Some could be subconscious.
I have told her she has a problem and suggested and asked her to seek help. She doesn't think she has a problem. So now I feel like I'm the only one getting help to work on the problems. Frankly, I'm not happy at all. I'm burn out, emotionally fatigued, and just have a strong desire to start over on myself but I can't seem to do it with her around.
Don't beat yourself up. Many of us have missed the warnings.
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