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Hi kygman, I've never seen him watch porn. We don't live together. I only know he does because I've asked and he's told me. He also makes jokes about "working from home" being "wanking from home" for most guys, and he works from home maybe 2 days per week.
things are generally good outside the bedroom. We do stuff together, we talk a lot and he's quite doting with verbal affection. It's the physical affection that is lacking, he'll often kiss and grab me passionately but then all of the sudden move on to do something else. That leaves me wondering what happened. But I guess that kissing, ect, doesn't have to lead to sex, maybe that's my misconception.
Something else that bothers me is that even though the rest of the relationship is going well, I have a nagging feeling that almost everything is on his terms. He has stronger opinions than me about what spend our time doing and where we go. It seems to always be a lot about his needs. Whenever I want to talk about something that's troubling me (e.g. stress at work) he starts giving me advice (e.g. you should send more follow-up emails and be more insistent) rather than listening to me, which to me feels like he's just pointing out my shortcomings. On the other hand, we spend a lot of time talking about what's stressing him and I only give advice if he asks me for it, otherwise I listen to him and offer my support. I've even found myself spending quite a lot of time helping him with his work lately because he asks me to. However, the one time I asked him for help, he did it, but I could see how impatient and slightly resentful he was about it.
B/C of his weird comment? but can you blame him for just wanting to see what it's like? No reason to feel insecure.
Please do not pressure him. Hardly anyone will have perfectly in sych sex drives. Appreciate what you've got, life is short. Be happy and quit worrying about selfish needs
things are generally good outside the bedroom. We do stuff together, we talk a lot and he's quite doting with verbal affection. It's the physical affection that is lacking, he'll often kiss and grab me passionately but then all of the sudden move on to do something else. That leaves me wondering what happened. But I guess that kissing, ect, doesn't have to lead to sex, maybe that's my misconception.
Something else that bothers me is that even though the rest of the relationship is going well, I have a nagging feeling that almost everything is on his terms. He has stronger opinions than me about what spend our time doing and where we go. It seems to always be a lot about his needs. Whenever I want to talk about something that's troubling me (e.g. stress at work) he starts giving me advice (e.g. you should send more follow-up emails and be more insistent) rather than listening to me, which to me feels like he's just pointing out my shortcomings. On the other hand, we spend a lot of time talking about what's stressing him and I only give advice if he asks me for it, otherwise I listen to him and offer my support. I've even found myself spending quite a lot of time helping him with his work lately because he asks me to. However, the one time I asked him for help, he did it, but I could see how impatient and slightly resentful he was about it.
I have a two part suggestion for you. One, this guy is not for you. If he is for anyone the way he is. He IS selfish. And some people are like that. You have heard others say dump him, and I will chime in with this.
But the longer term suggestion is about you. He is not interested in you in the bedroom, even seems to blame you since his other gf's got him there, or whatever the term was for jumping through hoops to get your partner interested in you. Something YOU need for YOU is to understand your value to yourself. Internally. That you are good enough, beautiful enough, desirable enough not to have to make herculean efforts for a MUTUALLY satisfying sex life.
He is in charge of the rest of your life together. It is one thing to be laid back and easy going. It is a whooolle 'nother matter not to be HEARD in your relationship. There ARE guys out there who will have your back when you need them. And not give you impatient, resentful attitude about it.
In the never going to be immortal words of Lizzo
"You know you a star, you can touch the sky
I know that it's hard but you have to try
If you need advice, let me simplify
If he don't love you anymore
Just walk your fine ass out the door"
You ARE fine. You ARE amazing, wonderful and terrific. And if he don't see that, walk that fine ass out the door. And get (back ?) to the place in your mind and heart of KNOWING you are fine. And I don't mean that specifically physically. But your YOU is going to be amazing for someone. But you can't accept this bread crumbs crap if you are going to find that.
I understand what its like to try to initiate and get rejected, it really does damage the self esteem. I was in a marriage like that and by age 33 I was divorced. I knew I didn't want that life for the next 50yrs.
I got tired of the rejection so I stopped initiating, thinking that maybe he would, he never did, trying to talk to him led to ED issues. His refusal to seek help for our relationship as well as medical attention for his issues all contributed to the breakdown. However, he never compared me to other women and never made it my responsibility to "get him up", the fact that your bf made you feel that way quite simply makes him an a$$. My sex drive isn't always in sync with my current partner, he doesn't function well if he has intense work stress or lack of sleep but he still puts in all the effort to take care of me.
Also I would like to know how these porn actresses are puffing up his ego so he can get going in order to relieve his tension.
He has issues he's trying to make you feel responsible for.
Or else he has a BIG issue he isn't dealing with, in terms of attraction and/or orientation.
Take my advice and end this now. This issue is part of what separates friends from lovers; it's a very big deal in terms of your quality of life. If it's THIS bad now, imagine what your life will be like in 10 or 20 years.
This. He has issues that he wants to blame you for. I don’t think you are the problem. Do you really want this guy in your life? Think about it. Imagine months, years of tolerating this behavior.
My first ex-wife had a much lower libido than I did when I was young. I think some of it was the anti-depressants and she always compared me to her ex-boyfriend who had a much bigger endowment and said that was the reason, so this is basically about the same thing you're experiencing (with sexes reversed). He has an issue and the only way he can rationalize it is by blaming it on you just as my ex-wife had an issue and the only way to rationalize it was to blame me. We got as bad as where we were only doing it once a month. Finally we saw counseling and had to negotiate terms where we would have weekly sex or she would take care of me weekly (it was a woman counselor that suggested this). Everything eventually ended but there has to be compromise.
Since my first ex-wife I had gotten remarried to a woman that had the same libido as me (mine is very high) and realized how good it can be. We had other issues but the second marriage was much more fulfilling. It also ended but for very different reasons.
I recently had an ex-girlfriend with a much lower libido than me but she never blamed me and it worked better. But in my experience unmatched libidos usually lead to break up. YMMV.
Lizzo for real. Why men great till they gotta be great.
"And that's the sooooounnd of me not calling you back."
Love her.
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