Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This is going to a bit of a change of pace from my standard cynical comments in this thread.
This about something that might actually lead to something good. It probably won't, but it might.
About months ago younger woman (not long of out college) joined my work and she is very friendly. Over the past couple of weeks, it seems that we are progressing beyond workmates who get along. We've become increasingly flirtatious towards each other. Little things like staring at each other, she's become very touchy, when she laughs she has a tendency to "lose her balance" and lean into me, and our banter can be a bit... playful.
And she's pretty much asked me out. About two weeks ago she asked if I was wanted to go to a concert for some indie band with her. Perception not being my strength, I said to her, "I don't know. I guess I'd have to hear them first." Her response was a dejected, "Oh... Well... I guess we could always get a drink or something. I mean, you'd be cool with that, right?" And I told her that I would and she seemed happy and relieved and told me that if I changed my mind on the concert to let her know. Later that day, my inner monologue advised me that I was an idiot and she was almost certainly asking me out and that I was a dense jackass in the way I handled it and I should take her up on the offer before she asks some other guy, so I told her that the concert sounded like a mighty fine idea.
In the meantime, we've been trying to work around a time to see each other before the concert (which is quite some time away), but work schedule is a little complex and we're not always available at the same time. Now, neither of us has actually used to word "date" but she says and texts stuff like "It's good that we're going to get closer to each other" which I think would be an odd way to describe a platonic friendship...
Now, this shouldn't really be a problem. We're both single. Our work does not have a policy against workplace dating. The only rule is that any relationships between supervisors and subordinates are to reported to make sure that nobody is directly subordinate to someone they have a relationship with. She's also very attractive (she's an 8 and I'm a 6 on a very good day). She's very funny. She's witty. We have plenty in common. When I flirt with her, she's apparently reciprocating with enthusiasm.
Now, here is the rub. I am a rather damaged person with a lot of baggage and plenty of insecurities. I haven't been with many women, never been a serious relationship, and I haven't even dated in years. Like a decade. Honestly, I think that I am too far gone at this point to develop any type of healthy relationship. I'm in my mid 30s and if I haven't figured it out by now; well, I probably never will.
Externally, you'd probably never know unless you're incredibly good at reading people. I flirt with female coworkers and acquaintances. I even walk with a bit of a swagger at times. My male friends and coworkers often look up to me and ask me for advice on personal matters. It's not uncommon for people to why I am single because they are confused why I don't seem to date anyone despite being outwardly confident and only mildly socially retarded. I feel it's almost like when you read about a serial killer. Like how they appear almost completely normal and at times even excel socially, but instead of engaging in disturbing acts of violence; I go home and watch MMA highlights in my underwear while I eat clam chowder (New England) right out of the can because I am too lazy to heat it or put it in a bowl.
And, there's also another thing. I have had a failed attempt at an office romance several years ago and the experience left an incredibly bitter taste in my mouth. I won't get into the details because it's both rather private and the explanation of that whole ordeal in detail would require an essay.
Long story short. I liked her, she sorta liked me, I asked her out, I got rejected, then she ended up becoming really jealous and possessive of me and things got really uncomfortable. That actually makes the other girl sound like a much worse person than she really was and she is actually one of the finest people I've ever known (like I said, it would take an essay to explain the whole thing), but that's the condensed version of how it went down.
Finally, I am worried about attracting a psycho. Here's the thing, I may not be a particularly attractive man, but I have done well with attractive women. More attractive than I have any right to have anything to do with. However, this comes at a price. Ever hear the term "Crazy-Hot Scale"? It's been referenced on How I Met Your Mother and plenty of internet memes. Well, I might have been able to land hot, but I have always landed crazy and at least once evil*. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep waiting to find out that I have been lead on and she was just flirting because she was bored or that this was part of some elaborate setup and that she's actually planning on wearing my skin or she'll end up stalking me or she'll end up badmouthing me to everyone I know and so on. Because every time in the last couple of years whenever some woman tries to get me to reconsider the status quo; they end up reinforcing it. I have lost times in the amount of times I have been ghosted, I have had "Okay, first some ground rules. Let's talk about the way you dress...", I have come across at least one psychopath, and so on. I am afraid of more of the same.
Basically, I am debating whether or not this is worth going through with. On one hand, maybe a nice date could be what I need. Even if nothing happens. Even if it leads to nothing. It might be good to test the water a bit and it might be the opportunity I need to take something I have so many negative associations with an turn it into something positive. On the other hand, it's clear that I have issues that can potentially lead to an unpleasant and possibly humiliating situation. On another hand (I have a lot of hands), if something hasn
*I don't mean "Oh, she was mean to me once". I mean, she told me told that she once dated a guy who later ended up going to prison for child molestation. I went "That's really messed up" and her reaction was "Why should I care? They weren't my kids." Trust me, that's just a story I can tell on here.
That old woman you had a relationship with once, don't compare her to the woman you are seeing now.
The thing I notice with you is that you overthink a lot and overthink the situation, dude relax It's only a concert date, take it slow, she isn't asking you to marry her. Don't over analyse everything yet.
Go on the date, have fun, see where it goes... who knows, maybe it turns out you don't like her but then you had a fun date or it could go the other way around, you met your future girlfriend.
It doesn't matter you have no dating experience, just pay for the date / dinner (as a man should) if she insist, then tell her you'll do it anyway, women like men who can protect and be in charge - she can grab the popcorn / dessert then
That old woman you had a relationship with once, don't compare her to the woman you are seeing now.
The thing I notice with you is that you overthink a lot and overthink the situation, dude relax It's only a concert date, take it slow, she isn't asking you to marry her. Don't over analyse everything yet.
Go on the date, have fun, see where it goes... who knows, maybe it turns out you don't like her but then you had a fun date or it could go the other way around, you met your future girlfriend.
It doesn't matter you have no dating experience, just pay for the date / dinner (as a man should) if she insist, then tell her you'll do it anyway, women like men who can protect and be in charge - she can grab the popcorn / dessert then
Oh, I have dating experience, just going back to the Bush Administration...
I know I over analyze, but it comes from years of things not working out and sifting through the figurative--and occasionally literal--ashes to figure out what, when, and where it went wrong.
I also think I am more concerned about things going well than not, so far she seems genuine. I haven't noticed any red flags and she doesn't seem to see anything wrong with me. We have great chemistry together.
It's just been a while since I've experienced this and I have completely forgot how to handle it. At the same time, I am steeling myself for the possibility of it going stupid because that happens the second I let my guard down.
Honestly, I think that I am too far gone at this point to develop any type of healthy relationship. I'm in my mid 30s and if I haven't figured it out by now; well, I probably never will.
Honestly with that attitude, you'll never get anywhere in life. You're actually being totally ridiculous. Who says life is over if you haven't experienced "X" by the age of 30 something? Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds? People move through life at their own rate. Some people put off relationships and marriage until later in life and some just don't feel compelled to go that route at all and just stick with having pets as companions.
Regardless of what people choose, none of those choices is wrong, nor are any of those choices a reflection of negativity towards the person living that life. Our lives belong to ourselves individually and as long as we're not actively hurting others by our choices, then nothing we choose for ourselves is wrong. Get that through your head and quit calling yourself damaged just because you're a late bloomer, for Pete's sake! You're not doing yourself any favors by being a Negative Nancy, that's for sure!
Watching you tie yourself in knots with all the ruminating makes me think you probably wouldn't be a good partner to anyone right now. Your baggage will immediately become their problem to solve.
Less analysis went into all the major moves of my life, going to college, getting married, having kids, buying a house, changing jobs, retiring, than you have put into whether or not you should go on a date. I'm exhausted reading all your pros and cons, you must be too. Anyway, good luck and let us know how it works out.
P.S. I have only ever asked myself two questions about doing anything. Do I want this, yes or no. Could this work out, yes or no. If the answer to both questions was yes I went ahead and did it. Then I put in whatever was required to make it work.
Amigo, nothing personal but you are substantially older than she is and she is probably drawn to your outer persona that simply does not reflect the large amount of issues you have internalized. She is likely drawn to mature, competent men that she believes have their act together and she thinks you are just that; unfortunately that appears not to be the case. I tend to think you do her, nor any woman, any favors by getting involved in a relationship until you resolve the issues that you seem to possess. My advice, become a healthy you. Once you have healthy self imagine a companion may or may not happen, but the world is far less lonely when you respect and like yourself.
Cheers....
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
It's only a concert date, take it slow, she isn't asking you to marry her. Don't over analyse everything yet.
