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It seems like it's been difficult for me to find a relationship that felt balanced.. of the guys I've dated, they either acted like a jerk or a doormat. I think I've only had one relationship that felt healthy and balanced.
It's a shame that there had been two guys I've dated who seemed to be everything I've ever wanted in terms of personality, attractiveness and sexual compatibility and they seem like great people.. and the first dates with these two guys were amazing.. but after the first date, after they decided they liked me, it seemed like they would let me walk all over them even if I wasn't meaning to do it. I know they were just trying to be nice and supportive but it felt like they were on the verge of spoiling me.. I have a hard time with that because my dad spoiled the **** out of me and I had to work out of being and acting like a spoiled brat so I can function in society.
It takes me a little more time to decide if I like someone so the pace with these guys was unbalanced.. after the first date, they acted like we had been dating for months, while I'm still taking my time and slowly opening up and trying to decide if we're even a good fit (the last guy mentioned marriage on the first date, not sure if he meant it cause he had some alcohol.. but by the second date he already told me he didn't want to date anyone else). And along the way, I'm feeling bad like there's something wrong with me for not being able to like them as quickly or as much as they like me. Although I question if they really did like me as much as they said they did.. maybe they were just caught up in the moment.
It's also unfortunate that with these two guys, it was only able to last a month.. there was too much adrenaline rush too fast... the phrase "easy come, easy go" seems to describe these relationships pretty well.. I was the one who ended it because things had moved too fast for my liking and it was making me feel unsteady.. it felt like we had jumped through the initial honeymoon phase and straight into being a couple and it felt off so I questioned our compatibility.. it's hard to know after a month!.. the sad part is I didn't even mean to end it with these guys.. they had been everything I've ever wanted.. why would I want them to get away? And yet I do... and the next guy I meet who seems to fit my criteria, I don't want to let him get away because the pace is off... and I don't know why they must feel the need to want their woman to walk all over them.. I'm sure they don't mean to do it or want that, but maybe it's their love style..
Also, dating is not going to be easy. There's always going to be stuff you can find. So, just be honest with person 1-1 if something is really bothering you and see what happens after that.
Don't expect good balance outright or at all necessary, but more what are you and the other person okay with? Make sure you're listening to the other person as much as you give feedback. If they overpower you or don't express enough, see if you are okay with either and if they are trying to respect you as a person. If they are respecting you as a person, then try to work with your situation and don't pick too much.
I need to rephrase that. I didn't actually walk all over them but I can see them being in a kind of relationship where a woman could walk all over them.. or they had been in that type of relationship before.. the last guy I dated did project some of that onto me and said he didn't want to be the one paying for everything but I got confused because he said this right after we just split the check.. and he said he had been taken advantage of before and didn't want that to happen again..
I think with me though, it's more like I tend to get a little lazier and I don't initiate as much or text them first because I know they'll do it but I do try and send them texts first from time to time. It's not like I'm a dead fish and give one word responses.. but I do like getting good morning and good night texts from the person I'm dating so I asked the last guy I dated to call me at night to say good night but I think he went overboard and he started to annoy me so I didn't want to talk to him as much...
I did let them pay for most of our meals but I did split on some of them or helped pay for drinks and I cook for them but for some reason, that wasn't good enough for the last guy I dated and he felt I took advantage of him or took him for granted.. he felt he had to plan everything but when I tried to plan for things, he didn't want to do them... and he felt I didn't appreciate it when he took me out because he'd drive 20 miles to come see me, take me out to dinner or go watch a movie, and we'd come back to my house and hang out but I'd get bored and actually want to go out not in our sweat clothes and do more stuff and he was wondering why it wasn't enough for me to just be happy to see him.. I guess I could take a little more initiative but these guys also seem so eager it overwhelms me sometimes.
Last edited by Gabriella Geramia; 11-21-2019 at 04:55 PM..
A relationship is not just about personality, attractiveness and sexual compatibility. It's about sharing what each other expects and desires from each other. This means sitting down and talking to each other about expectations, etc. Yea it's tedious and not fun, but you can't read each other's minds. It's the work part of a relationship.
A relationship is not just about personality, attractiveness and sexual compatibility. It's about sharing what each other expects and desires from each other. This means sitting down and talking to each other about expectations, etc. Yea it's tedious and not fun, but you can't read each other's minds. It's the work part of a relationship.
You mean like if we're looking for a relationship or something casual?
I'm not sure what you mean by "expectations."
Yes, I realize being in a relationship is much more than those three things but those are the minimum criteria for me.
I think that if you have to ask somebody to do a recurring behavior, it is not a compatible relationship and I would not start a relationship with that person. An example of this would be asking somebody to call you every night. Also, if somebody asked me out on a date, I would take initiative and plan the next date. If he declined my invitation, the relationship doesn't move forward.
First a guy offering to pay for a meal isn't them letting you walk all over them. Nor is it spoiling you. Depending on the guy's attitude it can be chauvinist (can happen) or simply good manners/social expectations (the norm).
Second, and I maybe wrong, but I think your seeming inability to communicate well is an issue.
Take your desire to receive a good night / good morning text from whomever you're dating. When your last guy did this he annoyed you so instead of saying 'hey can you cut it down to every 2nd day' or something along the lines you appear to have, to be blunt, more or less ignored him.
Third, and I maybe out of line, but you may wanna reevaluate yourself, your relationship with your father & what you seek in a man.
Your opening lines is men I date are either jerks or doormats. This is followed by my pa spoiled me & I don't want men to do the same. Your relationship with your father is likely coloring your perception of how a relationship should be.
You seem to connect 'care' (e.g. buying a meal) with being spoiled. This maybe why, again I maybe wrong, you're 'lazy' with communication as an attempt to disassociate so that there's no real connection between you & these men you date. Similarly as 'care' may equal being spoiled to you you're picking jerks because they don't 'spoil' you/don't care.
First a guy offering to pay for a meal isn't them letting you walk all over them. Nor is it spoiling you. Depending on the guy's attitude it can be chauvinist (can happen) or simply good manners/social expectations (the norm).
Second, and I maybe wrong, but I think your seeming inability to communicate well is an issue.
Take your desire to receive a good night / good morning text from whomever you're dating. When your last guy did this he annoyed you so instead of saying 'hey can you cut it down to every 2nd day' or something along the lines you appear to have, to be blunt, more or less ignored him.
Third, and I maybe out of line, but you may wanna reevaluate yourself, your relationship with your father & what you seek in a man.
Your opening lines is men I date are either jerks or doormats. This is followed by my pa spoiled me & I don't want men to do the same. Your relationship with your father is likely coloring your perception of how a relationship should be.
You seem to connect 'care' (e.g. buying a meal) with being spoiled. This maybe why, again I maybe wrong, you're 'lazy' with communication as an attempt to disassociate so that there's no real connection between you & these men you date. Similarly as 'care' may equal being spoiled to you you're picking jerks because they don't 'spoil' you/don't care.
All of the above!
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