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Priscilla, when you choose to live with someone with kids you are a step parent like it or not and are a adult. Move out versus ignoring the kids. I raised 3 boys and then a step son so I know how difficult teens can be. Still doesn’t justify ignoring. He should be a asset or leave.
I am a firm believer that you get what you give. If you treat others in a certain way expect that same energy back.
Sure, but with a kid you need to make some allowances. If your girlfriend had a toddler son and he threw himself down on the floor at the grocery store to have a tantrum, would you throw yourself down and have a tantrum, too? This kid sounds like a pill to deal with, but he also sounds like he's displaying some pretty typical adolescent behaviors.
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I've put up with his disrespect for awhile but a couple of weekends ago it was the last of it. He is only here on the weekends(thank god). He was using very foul language in our home and I told him he wasn't to use that kind of language in our home regardless of what kind of language he uses at his father's. He wasn't to happy but that's okay. He acted very disrespectful while I was telling him this. When he was leaving he never acknowledge me or said bye or nothing. It wasn't the first time but I figure I'll treat him and ignore him the same way when he gets here for the weekends.
I know it's a fine point, but I would say it was a misstep bringing up his father at all. My biological parents are not together and I remember as a kid I LOATHED one of them saying anything that could be construed as negative about the other, because it put me in a very awkward position.
His behavior in response to your rebuke was clearly not polite nor mature, but to be fair, if he is emotionally volatile, going quiet rather than escalating might have taken a strong effort in that moment. It was not the worst way he might have reacted. If he was very angry, it may have been a case of "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I am not excusing him, just offering some perspective. It definitely sounds like he owed you an apology, but like he may have needed to calm down before that could happen.
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I have blood relatives that I don't deal with because of how they treat people. I'll be damned to put up with this kid because I'm dating his mother. He's 16 and should know better by now. His mom and dad may take his crap and disrespect but I feel like I don't have too.
I picked him up and he said "hi, how was your week" and I ignored him and acted like he wasn't even there. Awkward yes but you would think he would open up and have a dialogue with me or apologize for how he acted but NO. Once again he just expects everyone to just to take his crap and be okay with it.
Maybe he was going to apologize, maybe he wasn't, but since you ignored his greeting, you'll never know - you didn't allow the conversation to progress.
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I told my girlfriend that I wasn't going to speak with him and she agreed and told me that she spoke to him on the car ride back home last weekend. Now she's upset because I ignored her son.
Am I wrong for my actions? -- How much can you let a person disrespect you? I tolerated him for awhile and for him not to apologize just shows once again him not being accountable for his actions?
I think you would be right - advised, even - to "not deal with him" in the sense that you don't handle disciplinary consequences, parent-teacher conferences, difficult parenting situations, etc. That's his mother's territory. However, being unkind or cold to him does nothing to improve the situation. How can you expect him to behave like a respectful adult if you, the adult, aren't behaving like a respectful adult? IMO the best thing you could do would be to model the behaviors you would like to see from him. He is 16. He may well grow out of his teenage surliness - given the opportunity to do so. You're the grown-up - "but he started it!" isn't a good look for you.
You don't have to accept disrespectful behaviors from him, but you don't have to drop to his level, either. For some ideas on how to respond appropriately in heated moments with challenging children, I'd suggest the book "Parenting with Love and Logic."
OP, I feel you acted inappropriately. In my opinion, it's not your place to tell the kid what kind of language he should or shouldn't use. And I think you were very immature to have ignored the kid in the car.
So he can't tell the kid what kind of language to use, but he also can't ignore the kid?
But as an adult male in his life, you do have a position of influence over him, and you are modeling behaviors and attitudes to him, whether you intend to or not.
Then don't. I think if he does move back in with his mom, you definitely should move out.
I agree with her.
Those head smacks are very telling. It feels like you're probably making this situation worse. Respect doesn’t mean giving the kid his own way. It also doesn't mean that he has to see everything from your point of view or do everything your way. To respect someone is not necessarily to agree with him or trust him automatically.
There are ways to resolve this, but the heavy lifting has to come from his parents.
It sounds like his parents are failing him. If there's an issue of respect to debate here, for me it would be with her. She's dropped the ball with her kid, and her relationships are suffering.
I agree with all of this, OP. I didn't know you were all living together - I thought you were dating and this was going on, but living apart.
I also meant to add, you shouldn't ignore him when he's making conversation with you. That's also acting like a child and you need to be an adult regardless of what's going on.
Last edited by MPowering1; 01-31-2020 at 08:01 PM..
Yes I think you are wrong. You are fighting with a teenager. You will lose. It would have been smarter to make friends with him. Language are just words. In the scheme of things foul language doesn't matter. You were exerting your alpha male vibe. Having had a couple of stepfathers and having known several of my mother's boyfriends I can say they were mostly jerks. One was a really nice guy. Maybe the only one.
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Originally Posted by ChrisMD1
I've been with my girlfriend for quite sometime now. She has two boys of the age 10 and 16. The 10 year is mature and quite pleasant but the 16 year old is just . The 16 year old thinks the world owes him something, he can treat people how he wants to and just feel like he is above all and doesn't take accountable for anything he does. He feels he runs the house and the has authority over everyone.
I am a firm believer that you get what you give. If you treat others in a certain way expect that same energy back.
I've put up with his disrespect for awhile but a couple of weekends ago it was the last of it. He is only here on the weekends(thank god). He was using very foul language in our home and I told him he wasn't to use that kind of language in our home regardless of what kind of language he uses at his father's. He wasn't to happy but that's okay. He acted very disrespectful while I was telling him this. When he was leaving he never acknowledge me or said bye or nothing. It wasn't the first time but I figure I'll treat him and ignore him the same way when he gets here for the weekends.
I have blood relatives that I don't deal with because of how they treat people. I'll be damned to put up with this kid because I'm dating his mother. He's 16 and should know better by now. His mom and dad may take his crap and disrespect but I feel like I don't have too.
I picked him up and he said "hi, how was your week" and I ignored him and acted like he wasn't even there. Awkward yes but you would think he would open up and have a dialogue with me or apologize for how he acted but NO. Once again he just expects everyone to just to take his crap and be okay with it.
I told my girlfriend that I wasn't going to speak with him and she agreed and told me that she spoke to him on the car ride back home last weekend. Now she's upset because I ignored her son.
Am I wrong for my actions? -- How much can you let a person disrespect you? I tolerated him for awhile and for him not to apologize just shows once again him not being accountable for his actions?
You were OK until you ignored him. It was childish of you to not return a polite civilized greeting.
You say you want an apology but you have to leave a door open for that to happen.
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. The 16 year old thinks the world owes him something, he can treat people how he wants to and just feel like he is above all and doesn't take accountable for anything he does. He feels he runs the house and the has authority over everyone.
