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My husband (age 24) and I (age 27) are currently residing in different states. We met in Hawaii, where I am originally from, when he was stationed at Pearl Harbor. We had a daughter in February 2007 and got married in July 2007. When he got out of the military, we agreed that Hawaii was too expensive for us to live in. He is originally from rural Oklahoma. We agreed to move to Las Vegas, Nevada because it is in between Hawaii and Oklahoma, making it easy for either of us to visit our families. Neither of us have any family in Las Vegas, although I have a couple of friends here.
When we got here in September 2007, he decided that he did not like it: the lifestyle, the people, the culture, the casinos/hotels, everything. I quit my job to take care of the girls full-time, like he wanted. Then in January 2008, he quit his job and said he was going back to Oklahoma to work for his stepdad's company. He had a decent paying job here but he said that his boss was setting him up to take the fall for him, which is why he quit. He packed up and left for Oklahoma, leaving me and my daughters (age 1 from him, age 9 from a previous relationship) here in Las Vegas. My dad stayed here to help me but went back to Hawaii in March, so I am in Vegas without any family.
He wanted us to go with him, but I did not want to go for several reasons. First, financially we could not afford the move. We have so many bills that our savings has been depleted and we would not be able to financially afford to move all our belongings. Second, our lease was not up on our apartment and we would have to pay additional fees if we broke the lease. I also did not want my daughter being uprooted in the middle of the school year again (she started the first half of the fourth grade in Hawaii, and I wanted her to finish the second half in Las Vegas). Also, I did not want to leave because I know that my family and friends will never visit us in Oklahoma because airfare from Hawaii is too expensive. I grew up in the suburbs and rural Oklahoma would be a huge change for me and my daughters.
Since then, he has been living with his parents and working for his stepdad making much less than what he made here and working much more hours. He has also made the decision to buy his grandparents farm land in order to keep the farm in the family and eventually buy cows and horses and grow wheat, like his family used to.
I am at a crossroad in that I do not know what to do. He wants us to move to Oklahoma but I feel like I'm the only one in the marriage making any sacrifice. He has everything he wants in Oklahoma: his family, the farm, and his immediate family (if we choose to move there).
He is constantly saying that I have not sacrificed for the marriage and that I put everything before him, while I feel the opposite. I have quit several jobs (back in Hawaii) for him because he didn't like my hours or he didn't like the they way they treated me, etc. I left my family and friends in Hawaii for him when we moved to Las Vegas. Now he wants me to give up what I've established in Las Vegas to move to Oklahoma.
On the other hand, I feel like he's always putting his family ahead of us. Instead of sticking it out in Las Vegas with his wife and kids, he went back to Oklahoma to be with his family, although he said he left because he needed an immediate job and his stepdad was able to offer that. He's constantly doing favors for relatives while he couldn't even fix a towel rack for his wife in his own house. I feel that if we move to Oklahoma, his family will always have priority over us.
He knows that I will not be able to see my family. I am very hesitant about not being able to see my parents because they have financially bailed us out so many times. When my husband left for Oklahoma, we were nearly evicted because he did not leave us money for rent. My parents paid for our rent, and the following two months of rent along with my car payments, credit card bills, and auto insurance for my car and my husband's car. If we move to Oklahoma, we will not have that support from them because they do not want us to move that far away.
I have just been offered my dream job, the job I've been working for since I first started college (I'm nearing the end of my Masters program), making this decision even harder. I have the opportunity to make a lot of money and possibly advance within the company, making it possible for me to contribute to the family income. My starting pay is more than what he is currently making, and the hours and benefits are great.
We recently had a huge blowout fight in which he said a lot of hurtful things to me, including that I am stupid, a bad mother, I have made nothing but bad decisions, and I have no ambition or direction in my life. Let's just say I don't think I've ever cried so hard over the phone. I was in shock that my husband, the man I love, would say those things to me. He gave me an ultimatum: move to Oklahoma to be with him and support him like a wife should or stay in Las Vegas and file for divorce. He refuses to come back to Las Vegas because he hates it and he won't leave his family, especially since his grandpa has cancer.
All of my friends and family want me to file for divorce, especially after hearing what he said to me during our argument. My friends are outraged that he even had the nerve to say those things to his wife. On the other hand, after speaking with his mom, she said that if I want the marriage to work, it will be up to me to make the move to Oklahoma, otherwise I should just end it. She also said that it's just his nature to say hurtful things when he's hurt, and she's sure he didn't mean them. He's just still hurt that we chose not to move to Oklahoma with him when he first went there.
I do not know what to do. I do not want a long distance marriage because I feel like a single parent (again) having to raise the girls by myself and I want my husband with me, but I am not ready to leave Las Vegas for rural, country living in Oklahoma because I'm a city girl at heart. Working in sales and marketing would be a dream come true for me because that is my degree background, and it would allow me the means to provide for my family. Even when I suggest living near the city like Oklahoma City or Tulsa, he refuses. He wants to live on the farm and once he buys it, that is where he will be. He's made it clear that in the beginning, if we choose to move, we'd (me, him and our two girls) have to live with his parents until he saved enough to get a small apartment for us before we moved to the farm.
I love him, but I don't know how many more times I have to sacrifice my life for him. Do I give up my dream career to save my marriage and move to Oklahoma where there is so much uncertainty? Sorry for the long post. Thanks in advance for your advice.
Just a quick impression, but if you move for him, he'll think of yet another thing to force you to do. He's forced you to give up jobs, give up a home, and he screams abusively at you (see SierraAZ's post about spotting an abuser--your husband has hit quite a few on the list).
He has separated you from other adults (career), people you knew in general (Las Vegas) and when you surprised him by fitting in in Las Vegas instead of being completely stranded, alone and dependent on him, he made his "best" power play of all: moving to a place where not both you and he would have to start anew, but only you, with only you being separated very far from family.
He figures if he can accomplish this, then oh boy, you'll be so alone, stranded, un-backed-up and Number 10001 on his list of people who matter that you'll do whatever he wants, whenever he wants and then he'll finally have his dream wife.
Get the divorce. For the love of God, please do it.
I would have stayed there and found a new job until BOTH of us were committed to moving, but that being said, have you checked on jobs in OK? has he for you? the advice id give was to do what makes you and your daughters happy and is best long term for your family. Maybe OK, maybe not, only you can decide that.
First of all, please trash the single parent thought. Don't even consider that as a reason to stay with him. I'm not saying people can give up easily in their marriages, but being a single parent should not be on the priority list when it comes to things like this, especially in your specific situation. Of course, it's best to weigh out things like having both parents around, but if both parents aren't happy in the marriage, then that just makes the family situation worse, not better.
After you weigh out what is best for your children, then of course, by all means, then weigh out what is best for you. No offense, but with all the things he's made you sacrifice, the last thing I'd be considering are his feelings and thoughts on this. He hasn't at ALL considered your feelings since you've apparently had to give up jobs and a stable happy life just to please him. If he didn't see that, then I think it's a little selfish on his part.
Marriage is about both people working together. From what you've stated, it seems like you've done most of the sacrificing and all he's done is take, and make his life decisions considering only HIS gains... Rather than your gains together. And he's obviously not thinking of your losses!
And you said something about him thinking you're selfish for staying?!? Oh my. The way I see it, he's selfish for leaving! I don't see any justifiable reason for a man to leave and move away from his wife. They should work together! If you had said that he left to get at job at a different state AND provide for you, then that would have slight justification. But being as you said he left you with NO money for anything, then I see no justification. Is he sending you money now??? If not, then you really need to rethink his motives and his part of your marriage. (Meaning if his point in moving and leaving you was to make money, but he's not sending you any money... then apparently his reasons for leaving weren't all that it seemed, or he's just selfish) He seems to not be making any sacrifices, especially since the move was his idea!
By the way, my ex-husband used to say hurtful mean things when we argued. And yes, his mother said the same thing. (He didn't mean it!) But believe me, that doesn't stop it from not happening again.
In a situation like yours, you both should be able to WORK OUT a solution TOGETHER. Marriage isn't simply a "move here where I say so, or leave" institution. Specifically, if moving is a must, you both must be able to meet halfway. If one doesn't want to move somewhere on your "list", then next. Try another place. It's selfish for him to choose HIS homestate and MAKE you move there... Either choose a place together, or stay where you are... He doesn't seem to comprehend that.
Like the poster said above, he seems to be a little controlling. If you don't stop that now, and just continue to do as he says, I don't see a positive future in that marriage.
Normally, I think people should try to make a marriage work. However, a good marriage requires good communication and a willingness to work together and compromise. You don't have such a marriage with your husband. I can't believe he is now giving you an ultimatatum "move here or divorce me!" He is showing you his true colors. Life with this man will not get easier or better. He obviously cares not at all about your feelings or desires or well-being. Like I said, I believe in marriage vows, but he is not honoring you or being particularly loving so he certainly isn't honoring his own vows. Your friends do care about you. Listen to them.
Marriage requires work, communication and compromise. I'm surprised you all didn't talk about this before getting married.
Sounds like he's being selfish and doesn't want to try to make you happy.
Talk to him and tell him what you have posted and what you want. Be clear about it because guys aren't good at taking hints. Then listen to what he says and come up with a compromise. Vegas is too much for a country boy to handle so maybe you all can live close to the city but maybe out in the country somewhere. That way, both of you can be happy (if that's really the problem) Could be he has some control issues.
I take you to be my wife; to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.
I could not imagine packing up and leaving my wife and infant without getting them to buy into the plan first... and I WOULD have some plan to be reunite with them at some point. From what you described, no, I don't have very high hopes for this marriage. And I know there are two sides to every story, but it seems like there is a tremendous gap between what each of you needs or wants in the relationship. And, by his packing up and leaving the way he did, it doesn't even sound like he's really in the relationship, either. A tough situation. Hope you can find a way to be happy with whatever happens.
sounds like a job for super marriage counselor.
military has lots of folks that met and married in hawaii and have a very very rough time when they leave the military and hawaii. it can happen.
lose of paradise. and lose of support system (with all its shortcomings military is one big big brother to have on your side).
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