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He has to always make me upset. Like our dog has a problem we need to go to a specialist for. I try to make an appt and first says we can’t afford it and it will heal on its own. So I don’t make the appt right away. He doesn’t seem to be getting better so he asks why I didn’t make the appt. Then when I do he says that we won’t be able to pay the mortgage if we pay for this appt (which isn’t true) .and then says “but it’s ok....we can just let it go into foreclosure and live out of our cars”. Then he gets mad at our vet because of one screw up and he threatens me he is changing vets. He is usually all talk so I just said ok because this time I didn’t feel like arguing. I didn’t think he would actually do it and he did and when I said I wanted to stay with the old vet he said “well you told me I could change it” and said if I stay with the old vet he wasn’t paying the mortgage or anything else and he started taking the bills he pay off autopay saying he didn’t care and just kept going on and on about it. You can’t have a rational conversation about anything. I was so upset by the way he was acting and was saying I can’t handle this anymore. And he just kept bring up how the vet messed up (it was just one shot that was overdue that they didn’t give). It’s combination of many things for many years but he was fixed on the vet “****ing morons”. Going on and on. He seemed drunk but sometimes it’s hard to tell when he is that angry.
Yesterday I ordered deep dish pizza. He asked what I got for him. I said your half is pepperoni....he asked if I also got black olives. I said no you usually you don’t get that on deep dish, only on thin crush. He says he won’t eat it then...he will bring it to work and someone can eat it. I just ignored him. Then when we go pick it up he asked if I got thin crust. I said no and reminded him I told him it was deep dish. Then he says again he won’t eat it then and that I should know he doesn’t eat deep dish. (Which he just ate a month ago). Then when we get home he starts to take 2 pieces (which I knew he would) and says “well I guess I’ll eat this but have heartburn all night”.
When he gets home from work (he still has to go into the office. I do sometimes). I like to get some exercise with him and the dogs. He won’t do it much. Says he is too stressed and needs to have a beer and relax so I usually go alone. If he does say he will go, I leave him alone when he first gets home or he will always say I’m rushing him. Yesterday I didn’t say a word except ask if we could walk, he said yes. He was in the kitchen looking like he was ready. So I asked if he was ready and he seemed annoyed and I said I was rushing him. I can’t win. Then outside he is so nice to the neighbor. Like a totally different person than he was to me inside. Then whenever we walk or out like at the grocery store he has to talk really loud about how he hates this town, the state is corrupt, or brag about his job, or talk about his guns and how he carries. If he talks really loud about how stupid people in our town our I ask him to please not say that so loud and he just says “Well I didn’t make them stupid”. Many other examples but he always does this. Makes issues with things. Goes to extremes. Is never consistent. When I feel stressed he always has to bring it back to his he is....lately he always saying how stupid people are. When driving he starts to scare me. Yelling at people if they are moving slow (so that they can’t hear him since he will never actually tell someone off to their face) speeding when he is mad and when I ask him to slow down he won’t. Sometime he seems drunk although lately I’ve only witnessed him drinking a few light beers. He denies drinking more even though sometimes he seemed louder, more animated, and I can smell it also. If ignore I him for a few hours he can’t handle it and then is nice to me but it doesn’t last. Not sure what do do. I’m 45 who would want me? I can’t afford to live on my own and he doesn’t have any money I can get from him. We both also had to take pay cuts because of the economy. It’s also hard to do anything since we are in a state that is still shut down. I guess I can go to my parents but they are elderly and have their own routine. I only have a few friends and I don’t tell them much. They think he is a nice guy. Except for one of my friends who he has shown his true colors to. He puts up a good front. He likes to upset me though before we would get together with any of them (back when we all could go out places) he would get mad if there was no parking or a wait, if the restaurant was to far and just yell or be irritable then I would be trying to hide tears and he would be all nice to everyone.
Your relationship lost the sparks. You might consider counseling, but I doubt he would agree. He probably don't see anything wrong with him.
You should try to find out when the change started. Was he always so argumentative, inconsistent and conflicted? Are there other relationship problems? Financial stress? Is he worried about his job?
Does he still love you?
And please, stop thinking that a 45 year old woman would not find anyone anymore. That's just silly and not true.
There is financial and job stress but this has been going on before all of it. Another example that has happened for years is he never wants to do anything for me. He can leave work early or go in late whenever he needs to (he is the boss) but if I need him to (which is rare) like to pick me up if there is car trouble or to leave early for my companies holiday party he will say he can’t because someone is already off, or he will have to much work. Then he will say he will leave early but he probably won’t have a job to come back to. Then a few days later he will say he is not sure if he can leave....and then the day of he will again say he will leave even though he can’t but probably will have no job. It’s relentless. If I call him out on it he will use say “well if you are ok with me loosing my job then I will leave early but just know I probably won’t have a job and we will lose our house and cars”
He is mentally abusive. It's taking it's toll on you. Get out. It's hard, but once you are on your own you will cherish the peace and quiet. To be second guessed on basic every day things is so draining. I have been there. It's a way to manage you down so you don't challenge him. You can make it on your own and you are still young enough. You were 40 when you married him right? Cut your losses and make an exit plan.
What does he even do for you except bring you down? He isn't there for you when you need basic help? He's an outright a-hole.
No...do not get counseling. If he's like this all the time, just constantly picking at ish so you can never feel comfortable then consider getting out of the relationship. Is there anything at all worth salvaging? If not, there's no reason to try saving it with counseling that he won't go to or seriously participate in.
He’s always been like this but it’s gotten worse. And his ex wife said he was the same way.
If he's always been that way, why did you get with him? Why do you stay with him? You chose this. If it's not working, ask yourself why you chose this in the first place.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-15-2020 at 09:31 AM..
This is not a problem with a quick fix. He's abusive, controlling and punitive. Get out of there even if it means you move back home with your parents. Nobody should put up with this and it's probably impacting you more than you realize.
I don't know why you put up with this behaviour. He's not a nice person to be with and sounds like he's tormenting you. Go to your parents temporarily while you look for another apartment/house.
I hope you're not staying there because you think you won't find anyone else. 45 is still young and don't think for a minute you won't meet anyone. I met the most wonderful man when I was 47 and we're still together xxxx years later .
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