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My therapist generally thinks that young women have trouble figuring out what they value in a man, and that I shouldn’t take my relations with women so personally because they often don’t know what they want yet at my age or younger.
Oh, no. Really? Your therapist said that? What kind of therapist is this?
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Originally Posted by Nashville_Native
I only reference Brentwood because your tone implies I’m some wrecked soul with no redemption because I supposedly despise women and have no real instincts.
I understand that direct talk can feel like an attack when you're not aware of how you've contributed to your own problems.
I haven't said anything even close to indicating that your have no redemption or you despise women. I said that you don't seem able to relate to them as people, but as either a goal or a method for getting something you want. That is how your own words came across to me.
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Originally Posted by Nashville_Native
Just trying to get the point across that you truly would never suspect that I would have these issues if we hypothetically met in our hometown.
I get it. You're a great guy. That's awesome!
But I disagree with Sassy that you're doing just fine. YOU know you aren't, or you wouldn't have posted here.
You say you have intimacy issues, and what you've written about your therapist makes me very concerned about the guidance s/he is giving you. My only goal here is to help you sort through all that.
Oh, no. Really? Your therapist said that? What kind of therapist is this?
I understand that direct talk can feel like an attack when you're not aware of how you've contributed to your own problems.
I haven't said anything even close to indicating that your have no redemption or you despise women. I said that you don't seem able to relate to them as people, but as either a goal or a method for getting something you want. That is how your own words came across to me.
I get it. You're a great guy. That's awesome!
But I disagree with Sassy that you're doing just fine. YOU know you aren't, or you wouldn't have posted here.
You say you have intimacy issues, and what you've written about your therapist makes me very concerned about the guidance s/he is giving you. My only goal here is to help you sort through all that.
How old are you exactly? Something makes me think you’re from an older generation where gender relations were more black and white. If you haven’t noticed, there’s a lot more grey area in the dating world of Millennials, and with the competition that comes with dating apps, it’s unlike anything that humans have experienced before! I guess I’m part of the collateral damage.
My therapist has done a great job of helping me realize that I am a person worthy of affection, and that I deserve the best life has to offer. I am a prize of a person- timing/circumstances just haven’t been on my side in the dating world. Clearly I’m able to relate to women as people if I have some that I can call friends. I just struggle with the nuances of dating that other young adults can grasp with ease.
It sounds like replying to my replies is painful for you. Just saying
I think it was something like 25% of all people who graduate from college, do so without ever having sex. So I wouldn't shame yourself for not having much sexual experience. We all start out with much experience until we get it.
That said if I was in your situation, here is what I would be doing. I would spend time reading this book and spending time listening to the mating grounds podcast that accompanied it.
I would also get a sex positive relationship therapist. Because you don't have much dating experience, I think it would be useful to have a half hour a week time to get honest feedback on what is working and what isn't.
My therapist has done a great job of helping me realize that I am a person worthy of affection, and that I deserve the best life has to offer. I am a prize of a person-
That's a very good message for you to hear.
I don't think your therapist is doing you any favors, though, by disrespecting an entire group the way s/he did when s/he said women your age don't really know what they want. It's really dismissive and prejudicial, and I would think your experience with all your female friends would have caused you to at least question it.
After all, the friend you referred to earlier clearly knows that she wants someone like you.
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Originally Posted by Nashville_Native
... timing/circumstances just haven’t been on my side in the dating world.
How can that be true, though, when you described multiple times when you made choices to take yourself out of the game? It wasn't just fate or time not being on your side. You say you were swamped with studying, and you didn't even go out with your frat brothers. Then you refer to but aren't specific about your dedication to work and your dream move to California.
Five years is a long time for "circumstances" to not be on your side.
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Originally Posted by Nashville_Native
Clearly I’m able to relate to women as people if I have some that I can call friends.
To some extent, maybe. But you still won't answer the question: What do you REALLY think is the root of your problem? It's obvious you're a smart guy. You just keep glossing over stuff and generalizing here.
Why do you REALLY think you never could "hold down" a girlfriend?
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Originally Posted by Nashville_Native
I just struggle with the nuances of dating that other young adults can grasp with ease.
Like what?
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Originally Posted by Nashville_Native
It sounds like replying to my replies is painful for you. Just saying
Maybe a little bit, because some things that aren't so clear to you are painfully obvious from here.
Honestly OP, I feel like you just aren't putting yourself out there. We make time for what is important to us.
Put down the phone/social media. Go out tomorrow and say hello to 10 different women. That's all. See where it goes, and remember dating is supposed to be fun!
Location: The edge of the world and all of Western civilization
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Your situation is similar to a couple things in my life:
1) For the longest time I was trying to relocate to a place I wanted to, and ended up moving to LA. While I focused on that, I enforced a very strict, self-imposed no dating rule. I didn't want anyone holding me back, and I didn't want to deal with an extra complication along the way. Now that I'm in LA, meh...I'm ambivalent about dating. I didn't really move here for that; I came here for more reasons. Maybe you ought to remember that.
2) You've explained how you see yourself. I had a friend who did that too, but it wasn't entirely accurate. I'm not saying what you put out there is false, but is there more to it? Do you think there's more you don't see? An old friend thought he was sweet, dedicated, smart, had a lot to offer, was full of love to give, etc. What he wouldn't admit though (and I would point it out to him) is that he was hesitant to compromise, had a compulsive addiction to video games, refused to put himself out there to women/expected women to come to him, carried himself as unavailable, etc. I tried to tell him that if he really wanted to date again, he'd need to understand that about himself and he would need to make some changes. Trust me, I know I have my faults too in dating: I'm admittedly selfish, self-absorbed, pessimistic, intolerant of slights/unforgiving, get frustrated easily, aloof and distant, try to be a shadow in the mist in public, come off as rude, crass, and flippant, etc. I know that if I want to work with someone, I'll need to let something about me give.
When it comes down to it, can you see yourself more objectively to see shortcomings or problem areas? I get hit on all the time here, but I know I'm almost always non-responsive or reply in a way that isn't conducive to anything more. Likewise (and again, not saying you're doing this), a former coworker I had was absolutely vile, but it was painfully clear she was hitting on a manager, though everything she said to him was repulsing him (by which I mean she was discussing nasal discharge and bowel habits), though she still tried to flirt. The thing though was that was she was completely oblivious she was doing it. In your case, it could be any number of things, even as innocuous as being too shy or unapproachable.
So where do I start... I am not totally without dating experience. I had a high school “girlfriend” despite us being 16 and too young to have sex. I [Mod cut] during a college summer at age 20, but was ghosted by her before we could get as far as sex. Fast forward through transferring schools/graduating, moving to Chicago to attend a grad program and find my 1st job, then moving to California for my 2nd job, I reached age 27 only having lost my virginity to a one night stand last fall.
My experiences with dating apps have largely been mediocre- I have gotten dates in the past, only to get ghosted by them after a date or two, or in one case three dates. I took a months-long break from dating apps after finally losing my virginity, because I [Mod cut], and most of the dating app girls were 4’s and 5’s. Now I am back on dating apps with this extended shutdown .
I couldn’t hold down a girl during college because I was honestly swamped with school- dubious excuse I know, but I was a finance major and had to study a lot. Despite joining a fraternity, I let school overwhelm me to the point I missed out on a lot of nights out and parties (age 22-23). And despite all of that hard work, I experienced a long 8-month period of unemployment between grad school and my first job in Chicago, which killed my dating game when I was 24-25.
So, by the time I was getting settled into my first post-grad job at age 26, I started working on my lifelong dream of moving to Los Angeles, California. I ended up pulling off a transfer within my parent company after working a year in Chicago to an agency in LA. I finally made the move one year ago right before my 27th birthday, when I was still a virgin. Very bittersweet knowing how much I sacrificed dating-wise to commit to moving to California. Most people I imagine would think I wasted my youth putting so much effort into school and work instead of people. It was a dream of mine to live out here since I was very little. So maybe I did value the move more than sex/dating.
What advice do you have for me to make the most of my remaining “young years”? I know I am behind the curve compared to guys my age and even younger than me. I’m not bad looking- I’m 6’1” with a beefy/athletic build (was working out at the gym 5-6 days a week pre-shutdown). I am stylish and well-groomed, and get called handsome a lot and asked if I have a GF (which hurts sometimes). I enjoy music, traveling (15 countries and 35 US states), the beach, exploring new places in California, hiking, playing pool, writing, deep conversations, and dogs . Pretty general hobbies, but I do have interests and a soul.
I guess I am at the point of my life where I want to seriously date around/hook up before it’s “too late” or I’m viewed as “damaged goods”. Now that I have finally made my dream move to California, I am ready to get over that hurdle, in order to gain confidence and be more comfortable around women. I need your help realizing my potential. I just turned 28 without a lot of experience, and I feel shame for it.
What’s funny is that I actually have made out/kissed with probably 30+ women through high school/college/post-grad, but each one of them had their reasons for bailing. I want to turn that around and have more success. I want to live my life as a strong, able-bodied 28 year old is supposed to. Is it too late for me to catch up? I don’t want to live life with regrets anymore...
Bro, all it takes to have casual sex is to go to a nightclub. Or a bar. Or a music festival. Or go talk to women at the beach. You're 6'1'' and apparently you have a nice-looking body on you. Unless your face is below-average or you're already bald or balding, I don't see why you'd have much of a hard time getting one-night stands from women you are attracted to.
You know, 8s and 9's and all that?
And if you do have a weak chin or a small jawline, a guy with a job as good as yours won't have much of a hard time saving up money for a chin+ jawline surgery to give you that sharp Indiana Jones(Harrison Ford) jawline.
You've lived in 15 foreign Countries and you've lived in nearly every American state, and no woman, out of the hundreds of millions of women living in the US and in those Countries has wanted to have a romantic relationship with you?
How does that work, man. Back in college I was in a romantic relationship with with 8 different 8s and 9s, and I'm not even considered physically attractive(6 feet tall and looked like Leonardo Dicaprio as a young man, so I ain't exactly going to be hired by Marvel to play the role of Thor) and I got approached often by those women.
There's something about you that is off-putting to these women. Maybe it's the guarded body stance? The low self-esteem that women get from you?
Just go talk to women, man. I've been rejected by tens of thousands of women for casual sex and that still didn't deter me from going out, meeting women, and either going home with a woman or going alone alone to Sasha Gray.
Can you please spell out which preconceived notions you’re talking about? Getting the impression you’re reading between the lines so want to know what you specifically mean.
It's the way you talk about yourself, how you have this resume that should entitle you to the 8's and 9's. Secondly it's the way you mention women by the way you rank them. I don't even know you but just reading your post would make me not even want to talk to you. For example the comment, "holding down a girl?" Wow. I'm not saying that to be mean but you really lack a sense of making connections. Your preconceived notion is that everything is this mechanical formula- I have traveled to many countries, I made out with 30 women, I had a night stand with a 10. It just reads as very immature, like a teenager. Like you have two variables of the equation so it should equal a 10.
For me attraction is looks of course, but there is more to it. It's making a woman feeling attractive and like she is the sexiest person on the earth. It's saying the right thing to keep my interest. It's acting like you are hanging on my every word.
If you just walk up and flex your muscles and act like a brute I could care less what you look like or care where you have been. There's sophistication involved and if you have been out of the game for most your life you really need to take a step back and learn how to just talk and communicate.
Making relationships last require work, compromise, communication, shared interests along with chemistry and sex. You need to work on the parts that glue everything together. Why would someone want to invest in you? What kind of life can you offer? Think day to day interactions, imagine what that would be like.
You've lived in 15 foreign Countries and you've lived in nearly every American state, and no woman, out of the hundreds of millions of women living in the US and in those Countries has wanted to have a romantic relationship with you?
Do you know how to read? I said I had traveled to that many places. I did not live in that many places.
Could you be asexual and aromantic? You sound a lot like I did before I knew myself. I'd look into asexual at least...
Also, your therapist did you a disservice when s/he told you that all young women are fickle and don't know what they want. That's simply not true. You might sound great, but if you're posting here, you're struggling with something and you're not feeling great. That's why I suggest taking a look at your sexuality first and going from there.
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What kind of therapist is this? 
