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So where do I start... I am not totally without dating experience. I had a high school “girlfriend” despite us being 16 and too young to have sex. I [Mod cut] during a college summer at age 20, but was ghosted by her before we could get as far as sex. Fast forward through transferring schools/graduating, moving to Chicago to attend a grad program and find my 1st job, then moving to California for my 2nd job, I reached age 27 only having lost my virginity to a one night stand last fall.
My experiences with dating apps have largely been mediocre- I have gotten dates in the past, only to get ghosted by them after a date or two, or in one case three dates. I took a months-long break from dating apps after finally losing my virginity, because I [Mod cut], and most of the dating app girls were 4’s and 5’s. Now I am back on dating apps with this extended shutdown .
I couldn’t hold down a girl during college because I was honestly swamped with school- dubious excuse I know, but I was a finance major and had to study a lot. Despite joining a fraternity, I let school overwhelm me to the point I missed out on a lot of nights out and parties (age 22-23). And despite all of that hard work, I experienced a long 8-month period of unemployment between grad school and my first job in Chicago, which killed my dating game when I was 24-25.
So, by the time I was getting settled into my first post-grad job at age 26, I started working on my lifelong dream of moving to Los Angeles, California. I ended up pulling off a transfer within my parent company after working a year in Chicago to an agency in LA. I finally made the move one year ago right before my 27th birthday, when I was still a virgin. Very bittersweet knowing how much I sacrificed dating-wise to commit to moving to California. Most people I imagine would think I wasted my youth putting so much effort into school and work instead of people. It was a dream of mine to live out here since I was very little. So maybe I did value the move more than sex/dating.
What advice do you have for me to make the most of my remaining “young years”? I know I am behind the curve compared to guys my age and even younger than me. I’m not bad looking- I’m 6’1” with a beefy/athletic build (was working out at the gym 5-6 days a week pre-shutdown). I am stylish and well-groomed, and get called handsome a lot and asked if I have a GF (which hurts sometimes). I enjoy music, traveling (15 countries and 35 US states), the beach, exploring new places in California, hiking, playing pool, writing, deep conversations, and dogs . Pretty general hobbies, but I do have interests and a soul.
I guess I am at the point of my life where I want to seriously date around/hook up before it’s “too late” or I’m viewed as “damaged goods”. Now that I have finally made my dream move to California, I am ready to get over that hurdle, in order to gain confidence and be more comfortable around women. I need your help realizing my potential. I just turned 28 without a lot of experience, and I feel shame for it.
What’s funny is that I actually have made out/kissed with probably 30+ women through high school/college/post-grad, but each one of them had their reasons for bailing. I want to turn that around and have more success. I want to live my life as a strong, able-bodied 28 year old is supposed to. Is it too late for me to catch up? I don’t want to live life with regrets anymore...
Last edited by PJSaturn; 05-15-2020 at 07:31 PM..
Reason: Inappropriate language; not PG-13.
It's unfathomable to me that someone who has moved as often as you have and traveled to 15 countries has not been able to relate meaningfully to ANY women.
Seriously, what was your outlook on women while you were doing all that traveling? Were you traveling solo?
I'm not gonna offer any advice re: "dating around/hooking up" because that's not something I'm interested in encouraging. Yes, "I was taking school seriously..." is not an excuse, it's a cop-out. It just proves that you view women almost as a separate species that aren't necessary to your everyday life, but more of a means to check off another goal on your list.
Why do you REALLY think you can't view women as people?
It's unfathomable to me that someone who has moved as often as you have and traveled to 15 countries has not been able to relate meaningfully to ANY women.
Seriously, what was your outlook on women while you were doing all that traveling? Were you traveling solo?
I'm not gonna offer any advice re: "dating around/hooking up" because that's not something I'm interested in encouraging. Yes, "I was taking school seriously..." is not an excuse, it's a cop-out. It just proves that you view women almost as a separate species that aren't necessary to your everyday life, but more of a means to check off another goal on your list.
Why do you REALLY think you can't view women as people?
I see you’re from my hometown- Brentwood, TN. Maybe you can relate to my story more than you can imagine right now? I’m a friendly, affable guy who went to a reputable private school in the Nashville metro area, and I am from a good stable family background in Brentwood. I’m very goal oriented, and yes I was traveling solo during many of my travels, or was traveling with people who I had just met/did not know my story very well.
My academic program during undergrad didn’t have very many women. Many of my days of school I did not encounter any young women.
I totally view women as people. I have lots of female friends (as well as male) friends from my time in Nashville that love me for who I am and care about my progress. I have intimacy issues and struggle with escalating things in a romantic setting. Why is that not an imaginable scenario in your opinion?
I see you’re from my hometown- Brentwood, TN. Maybe you can relate to my story more than you can imagine right now? I’m a friendly, affable guy who went to a reputable private school in the Nashville metro area, and I am from a good stable family background in Brentwood. I’m very goal oriented, and yes I was traveling solo during many of my travels, or was traveling with people who I had just met/did not know my story very well.
My academic program during undergrad didn’t have very many women. Many of my days of school I did not encounter any young women.
I totally view women as people. I have lots of female friends (as well as male) friends from my time in Nashville that love me for who I am and care about my progress. I have intimacy issues and struggle with escalating things in a romantic setting. Why is that not an imaginable scenario in your opinion?
It's very imaginable. Why did you not spell that out? Your OP is written to suggest that you just couldn't be bothered to take the time to form meaningful relationships.
Do you regularly see and interact with your female friends from home? Or are they mostly online? It's one thing to be part of a group and another to be truly emotionally intimate with others.
We get quite a few engineers on this forum who have a similar problem. It's an unfortunate by-product when young men with "intimacy issues" enter male-dominated study programs that tend to sweep them through a female-free college experience.
However, as you spelled out, your college experience was hardly female-free. So I ask again, why do you REALLY think you haven't been able to connect meaningfully with any women?? You gloss over it by saying they ghost you, but you must have SOME insight into why they do so.
My recommendation for someone with "intimacy issues" is always therapy, because the nature of those issues can be complicated beyond our pay grade here.
It's very imaginable. Why did you not spell that out? Your OP is written to suggest that you just couldn't be bothered to take the time to form meaningful relationships.
Do you regularly see and interact with your female friends from home? Or are they mostly online? It's one thing to be part of a group and another to be truly emotionally intimate with others.
We get quite a few engineers on this forum who have a similar problem. It's an unfortunate by-product when young men with "intimacy issues" enter male-dominated study programs that tend to sweep them through a female-free college experience.
However, as you spelled out, your college experience was hardly female-free. So I ask again, why do you REALLY think you haven't been able to connect meaningfully with any women?? You gloss over it by saying they ghost you, but you must have SOME insight into why they do so.
My recommendation for someone with "intimacy issues" is always therapy, because the nature of those issues can be complicated beyond our pay grade here.
I’ve lived out of state for some time now, so no- I don’t see my female friends in person very often. But many of them watch my Instagram stories, and follow up with me to find out what I’m up to.
One of the Nashville friends in particular also lives in Southern California now, has an active sex life, and often says she aspires to have a boyfriend that resembles me and makes her feel as comfortable as I do. I have been going to therapy regularly for almost 4 months now, and my therapist can say with conviction that I live a life of purpose and that I live life with authenticity.
I also have female friends from my experience in a fraternity. A lot of them I’d imagine would be cool seeing me again some day. I missed a lot of my fraternity parties grinding it out in school and doing my best. I guess nobody wanted to “wait” on me in a dating sense because I simply wasn’t around enough. That’s life. When I was in Chicago at age 24-26, it was my first time living in such a massive city, I struggled meeting new people in a Midwestern environment so different from Nashville/the South. That’s life.
If I had to guess, with you being from Brentwood, you would never guess that I have dating issues if you had just met me on the street. That’s why I’m posting here- I feel like I should be doing better than I am. That’s all
I’ve lived out of state for some time now, so no- I don’t see my female friends in person very often. But many of them watch my Instagram stories, and follow up with me to find out what I’m up to.
One of them in particular also lives in Southern California now, has an active sex life, and often says she aspires to have a boyfriend that resembles me and makes her feel as comfortable as I do. I have been going to therapy regularly for almost 4 months now, and my therapist can say with conviction that I live a life of purpose and that I live life with authenticity.
I also have female friends from my experience in a fraternity. A lot of them I’d imagine would be cool seeing me again some day. I missed a lot of my fraternity parties grinding it out in school and doing my best. I guess nobody wanted to “wait” on me in a dating sense because I simply wasn’t around enough. That’s life. When I was in Chicago at age 24-26, it was my first time living in such a massive city, and I struggled meeting new people in a Midwestern environment so different from Nashville/the South. That’s life.
If I had to guess, with you being from Brentwood, you would never guess that I have dating issues if you had just met me on the street. That’s why I’m posting here- I feel like I should be doing better than I am. That’s all
I appreciate your continued references to Brentwood, but this is just a human issue that really isn't location dependent. There are lots of people all around that you wouldn't guess are alcoholics or kleptomaniacs or domestic abusers or snorers or compulsive eaters. We all have our problems.
It doesn't surprise me that your therapist would say that about you, given your previous devotion to your academic program. And living a life of purpose is a good thing. What would you say that purpose it? And what does the therapist says specifically when you talk about relating to women as people?
Has your friend who friend-zoned you described why she doesn't want YOU as a boyfriend but instead wants one who is like you???
You carry a lot of preconceived notions and have hardly any experience. I think that would definitely scare off a normal functioning woman. It doesn't really matter who you hooked up with for your one and only experience with sex. Really doesn't. You need to throw all your ideas out and try and have an open mind. Start small, maybe a book on communication and asking questions about the other person.
I appreciate your continued references to Brentwood, but this is just a human issue that really isn't location dependent. There are lots of people all around that you wouldn't guess are alcoholics or kleptomaniacs or domestic abusers or snorers or compulsive eaters. We all have our problems.
It doesn't surprise me that your therapist would say that about you, given your previous devotion to your academic program. And living a life of purpose is a good thing. What would you say that purpose it? And what does the therapist says specifically when you talk about relating to women as people?
Has your friend who friend-zoned you described why she doesn't want YOU as a boyfriend but instead wants one who is like you???
It’s funny- it’s totally not a friend that has “friend-zoned” me (I’m not sexually attracted to her). We are essentially just childhood friends who have a lot of common interests and aspirations, and kept in touch until I moved to California. She brags on me to all of her boyfriends, and is 100% committed to being my “wingwoman” to help me find women after this extended quarantine is over. My purpose is to become financially independent and find a long-term career where I help people move to a better standing in life- I’m an unusually empathetic person.
My therapist generally thinks that young women have trouble figuring out what they value in a man, and that I shouldn’t take my relations with women so personally because they often don’t know what they want yet at my age or younger.
I only reference Brentwood because your tone implies I’m some wrecked soul with no redemption because I supposedly despise women and have no real instincts. Just trying to get the point across that you truly would never suspect that I would have these issues if we hypothetically met in our hometown.
You carry a lot of preconceived notions and have hardly any experience. I think that would definitely scare off a normal functioning woman. It doesn't really matter who you hooked up with for your one and only experience with sex. Really doesn't. You need to throw all your ideas out and try and have an open mind. Start small, maybe a book on communication and asking questions about the other person.
Can you please spell out which preconceived notions you’re talking about? Getting the impression you’re reading between the lines so want to know what you specifically mean.
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