My affair is eating me alive

[Mumen]

You already know what you need to do.


I think once you regain clarity in your life, you'll be able to make significant changes

[shelato]

Originally Posted by shelato

What kept you in this relationship? I mean its not like there aren't other women who don't have husbands and kids? Why did you stick around for 6 years? I mean didn't the lying, cheating and running around and just general annoyance of being stuck in someone else's drama make you think why am I doing this?

Originally Posted by Bearsdad

In these situations I always blamed lack of sex not age difference. I was the other guy in a situation like this for a couple years with someone who was 30 years younger than me. She was not getting sex at home and came to me for what she was missing. In her case the young guy wasn't doing the job. It can go both ways.

Some people can stay in these situations and just live with no sex or little sex. Some people get a divorce and go find someone who likes sex. Some people stay in the situation and find sex on the side to get by. Do you have to decide which one of these people you are.

Thanks, I was always curious about what was going through the mind of people who agree to sleep with someone who is cheating on someone else. I mean there is the risk of spouse getting violent, bringing her drama into your life, but the opportunity to have sex with someone much younger was worth it.

[grad_student200]

Originally Posted by Peskyqueen

Hello everyone, so I am new to this forum and this is my first post.

There is one thing that has been eating me up on the inside and I do not know what to do about it. I know some people in here are going to bash me for what I am about to say but that's fine, I know my recent decisions have not been honourable and moral.

Essentially I am married for the past 9 years and have been with my husband for 11 years. I can honestly say I love my husband and that he loves me. But we have had tough times since the start of our relationship.

This is the second marriage for my husband and he has a daughter from his first marriage. Our issues has always been that fact that his ex wife wouldn't let him see his daughter and demands a lot of money from him.

I have never had an issue with the money she demands because I have my own money. My stance has always been that I really don't want to get too involved with the situation.

However, it has put a lot of stress on my husband over the years which seeps into our marriage. And after moving countries 4 times since we have been married -our marriage is starting taking a hit.

So essentially while my husband and I still get along, the sex died. But I suspect this is probably partially to do with my husband's age since he is 20 years my senior.

Long story short, I ended up having an affair with someone who is married as well. We have been seeing each other once weekly for the past 6 months.

I have tried ending this affair and we didnt speak for a week once but he contacted me on social media after I blocked his phone number and we spoke and started seeing each other again.

Then more recently, one day my husband and I had an argument and I was in a particularly bad mood and I lashed out on the guy. He thought I was disrespectful and just told me to have a great day.

I immediately felt bad but said ok. However, he didn't contact me the next morning as he usually does. For some unknown reason I felt very saddened by this and I contacted him late in the evening.

I basically sent a message saying "hi" and he responded hi back. Then I sent a hand wave emoji and then he responded saying he needed to speak to me. I said ok. He proceeded to explain that I went too far. He said he was disappointed and saddened. I responded with an apology which he said he accepted and the conversation ended.

However, he still did not contact the next morning as he usually does. I was again saddened but I did not contact him. I said to myself that it is probably for the best and pushed myself to leave it as it is.

For 3 days i was totally miserable but i tried focusing on my husband and child, did a lot of work around the house to distract myself but nothing helped.

I had sex with my husband once during this time and it was hard. I was not there but I tried.

But then, on the fifth day as I was sure I was starting to feel better, he contacted me. He said he was still a bit upset but missed me. We started talking again and I felt better.

I even felt like I started bonding better with my husband as we spent a lot of time alone together recently. However, now I feel torn.

I was glad he contacted me but sad at the same time because I felt like I was starting to get over him and be able to put this affair behind me but I was not strong enough to ignore his messages.

As per usual he wants to meet me in a few days and I told him I am not sure I will have the time but he said let's try to see how we can meet and I said ok. I want to see him but everytime I meet him I feel like we are getting more and more involved so I don't know what to do.

The obvious thing is to end the affair - esp since I will never choose him over my husband. That's not even a question.

I have told him I love my husband but he hasn't said much and he barely mentions his wife but talks about his kids a lot and sends me their pics from time to time. I am not sure pic sharing of the kids is acceptable but I just say, oh they are cute and that's it.

Long story short, I now feel trapped. Trying to end it because I know it can't go on forever but not having the strength to end it.

The thing is, when I meet with him, I feel like I am in a different world. The sex is amazingly mind blowing and we have a pretty intense chemistry. He is the first guy I have been with who is considered soft dominant in the bedroom and I also find this intriguing.

I have been able to experience an intense level of intimacy with him that I have never experienced with anyone including my husband. So how do I find the strength to end the affair and regain passion in my marriage?

Posts like yours make me glad I never got married. It reminds me of a "Can this marriage be saved" series in my mom's magazines called "Lady's Home Journal". I used to read them out of curiosity about family marital issues in society when I was an adolescent. I recall reading one about a busy mom getting ready for a family outing on a Sunday morning with her children and husband. Somehow, in the middle of all that she had a "quickie" with her secret lover. That example among others (magazines, news, real-life people at work, school, family, etc) led me to not trust marriage. It's an eery union which appears to be falling apart in your case. It's just like that series "Can this marriage be saved?" Maybe a therapist can help, but it makes single guys like me feel glad we're not married at all.

Eventually, you are likely going to get caught if you don't own up. It may be like that scene with Kevin Spacey in "American Beauty" who quits his job and has a mid-life crisis. He catches his wife in an affair after getting a new job flipping burgers just to relive "his teen years". But at that point their marriage is so dead he actually doesn't really seem to care and is relieved to let it end. Meanwhile, he fixates on his daughter's friend as the plot gets twisted and ends in tragedy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qfBlDLHRoY

[yechida]

if you are serious about staying married to your husband , then there are some hard choices to be made. you would have to end the affair & cut off communication completely-period. while an affair is taking place, there is no way your mind & heart can be focused on working on your marriage & healing it. there are ways or dealing with the lack of sexuality in marriage, & the intimate aspects can improve greatly but there is no way it stands a chance while engaging in sexual activity outside of marriage. it is certain that perhaps with some counseling, healthy communication, & a reframing of your view of the marriage & being loyal to it-can improve your marriage greatly over time, perhaps even better than it ever was before (even the physical intimacy)-but there has to be a single minded focus toward the saving & nurturing of your marriage, an affair, even a non-sexual but emotional one (& certainly a sexual one) blocks you emotionally from even trying in a serious way to work on your marriage

eventually you will get caught & most likely your husband already senses the serious disconnect-but that isn't even the main point. whether you get caught or not, you don't stand a chance in your marriage unless you make that hard decision to be 100% committed to heal your marriage. you may be very surprised how much a marriage can improve (including the sex life) over time after hard work & investment it. But with an affair-whether sexual or emotional or both-this will be impossible

[athena53]

Originally Posted by let455_

He who betrays will always walk alone. Your husband deserves better.

That's a bit harsh. I had an affair in my first marriage- it started with a professional colleague I met at a convention in a glorious setting (California, oceanfront resort). My husband was alcoholic, verbally abusive, controlling and financially irresponsible. I came home from that meeting and filed for divorce- not because I had plans to gallop off on a white horse with New Guy (yeah, he was married, too)- but because I knew the marriage was over. My Ex never knew what happened- the affair was the catalyst for the divorce but there were many other valid reasons.

I DID remarry 7 years later, and not to the guy I had the affair with. We were happily married for 13 years till his death in 2016. He was 15 years older and there wasn't much sex the last few years as his health issues caught up with him. I was never even tempted to stray- honest. I could not have done it. So please don't conclude that the OP is doomed to dysfunctional relationships the rest of her life.

I see that the OP hasn't returned and I hope she does. I do agree with the other posters that:

1. She has to end the affair or do the honest thing and get a divorce.
2. She should not count on New Guy to get a divorce and even if he does, she should not count on them marrying and living happily ever after.
3. Counseling would help her find the best way forward.

[canadiangirl_2015]

I would say your marriage is over and end it as nicely as you can. But remember, affairs are almost always hotter than a marriage. Because it is new, and fun, and there isn't the day to day burdens and irritations that comes with actually being with someone. Marriage is work. Affairs are not.