Why *some* men chase after ladies who want a relationship vs a girl that wants casual or fwb? (dates, married)
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Lots of people are jerks when it comes to dating, both men and women. Guys who expect to buy a girl a drink and take them to bed. Girls who expect to be wined and dined extravagantly and reward the guy with a peck on the cheek. You can have sex without a romantic relationship, but you can't have a romantic relationship without sex. You just have to find a person you want to be with who wants to be with you. Dating is a mutual interview for a possible relationship, rather than some sort of transaction. Some people, men and women get off on having someone fall in love with them. They are basically predators. Many people are lonely and will accept being "in like" rather than being in love. But in the long run it's usually not enough. If you find honest mutual love, nothing else should matter, not money, status, family opinions, educations, cultural differences.
Ok, so this one is for the ladies and gents you can chime in to. I am more of a relationship oriented type of gal. I have never done casual or FWB and never intend to. What I am finding is that a lot of men like to "pretend" to want a relationship to get into a more relationship oriented woman's pants. (This has not happened to me, but I just noticed a pattern). What confuses me is that there are MANY women who are into the casual thing or FWB. ( I am not being judgmental as that is their thing). Why want these guys go after these women into the ladies who want a relationship. In fact, if men just want sexual relations, why not just seek the company of a prostitute, that way his needs are met without any commitment or stresses that come with a committed relationship.
Not too long ago, I saw a thread in a different forum where a guy was pissed that he spent $150 on a date and posted how he was upset that the girl did not have sex with him. I thought that this was interesting because the guy could have gotten a prostitute for that amount, so why put in all the effort for a date and then be upset when the girls does not give you what you want.
Is this an ego thing? I would love to hear a man's perspective so I can understand this better.
Yes, its an ego thing. Its too easy to just go to a pro or a girl who is DTF. They want to conquer someone who is a challenge.
Its not just the mechanical, physical act of sex that motivates a lot of players imo, but the whole dance of seduction. Convincing or even tricking someone into doing what s/he might not normally do. Making her want something she didnt want before. Its a power play.
Its a high for them and I think some people might even get addicted to the process, and need the stakes to get higher and higher. They are chasing the dragon.
Girls who are looking for relationships are less likely to have had a lot of partners. A lot of guys would rather sleep with what they consider "Good girls".
I think most women have too high of expectations for online dating. I went into online dating 3 years ago wanting a relationship but what I discovered is that the majority of men aren't interested in one, at least with me. They look at me as a temporary sex partner but that's it. Sure, they are looking for a relationship but they are looking for someone prettier with less baggage. Guys will look at women as either "relationship-material" or "shorterm regular sex partner" or "one-time-sex" or "no, not at all". They are actively looking for someone for a relationship but won't pass up having a short term (for a few months) regular sex partner that they are semi-attracted to or like the personality of, and if too much time goes with none of those they'll hit up someone for one-time sex to get their needs temporarily satisfied. Guys don't care whether a woman wants a relationship or not because the ones who say they do are willing to accept less and the ones that say they don't want one, often change their mind about that as well. I fully believe that I am someone who guys label as "shortterm". I think they like my personality enough and I'm okay enough looking but most guys don't make any move towards relationship-territory with me. Basically every guy I've liked has seen me for 3 to 6 months then moved on as soon as they've found an upgrade or gotten back together with an ex or we've seemed to get to the point where he's started to have feelings for me and ends it because he doesn't want to have feelings for me. I've seen the signs, that a guy likes me but those few times he quickly quit seeing me.
I wrote it, so says me. I'm 74. I've seen a thing or two. Maybe it depends on the person. I can't imagine a romantic relationship without sex. To me that would be like having a friend or relative of the opposite sex. It would be friendship, or like love for a relative, maybe a fantasy or infatuation like puppy love, not romance.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tigergirl87
What I am finding is that a lot of men like to "pretend" to want a relationship to get into a more relationship oriented woman's pants. (This has not happened to me, but I just noticed a pattern). What confuses me is that there are MANY women who are into the casual thing or FWB. ( I am not being judgmental as that is their thing). Why want these guys go after these women into the ladies who want a relationship. In fact, if men just want sexual relations, why not just seek the company of a prostitute, that way his needs are met without any commitment or stresses that come with a committed relationship.
IMO...most men want some kind of friendship or relationship to go along with the sex....specially if they are mature or don't want drama. There are some women that want to casually date too ofc. AND super young guys shouldn't be serious. Some men might not be sure they want a long time commitment like marriage tho.. so they are honest about it. They are long past the casual sex stuff AND how many guys srsly see prostitutes...unless they are super awkward or live in their mom's basement? Most men are smart enough IMO to know that would just increase their chances of getting a STD.
When I met my fiance we both said that we were "open" to a committed relationship....but neither of us was really looking for it or expected it...specially since my divorce wasn't final yet. It can totally change after you date.
I am more of a relationship oriented type of gal. I have never done casual or FWB and never intend to. What I am finding is that a lot of men like to "pretend" to want a relationship to get into a more relationship oriented woman's pants.
No doubt some men "pretend." I also think may DO want a relationship, but after a short period of dating simply find that this woman is not relationship material for them. And yes, sex usually IS a part of deciding, because sexual compatibility is every bit as important as values and personality.
I wrote it, so says me. I'm 74. I've seen a thing or two. Maybe it depends on the person. I can't imagine a romantic relationship without sex. To me that would be like having a friend or relative of the opposite sex. It would be friendship, or like love for a relative, maybe a fantasy or infatuation like puppy love, not romance.
It depends on the person/people and the situation. There are asexuals who absolutely adore romance, sans the sex part. There are people who are still terribly in love, after decades of marriage, and demonstrate romance toward their partner, but either their partner or themselves or bothcan't have sex any longer.
No doubt some men "pretend." I also think may DO want a relationship, but after a short period of dating simply find that this woman is not relationship material for them. And yes, sex usually IS a part of deciding, because sexual compatibility is every bit as important as values and personality.
Which, IMO, isn't very wise. Most of us know that sexual 'compatibility' often changes over time, especially for women.
Girls who are looking for relationships are less likely to have had a lot of partners. A lot of guys would rather sleep with what they consider "Good girls".
I think most women have too high of expectations for online dating. I went into online dating 3 years ago wanting a relationship but what I discovered is that the majority of men aren't interested in one, at least with me. They look at me as a temporary sex partner but that's it. Sure, they are looking for a relationship but they are looking for someone prettier with less baggage. Guys will look at women as either "relationship-material" or "shorterm regular sex partner" or "one-time-sex" or "no, not at all". They are actively looking for someone for a relationship but won't pass up having a short term (for a few months) regular sex partner that they are semi-attracted to or like the personality of, and if too much time goes with none of those they'll hit up someone for one-time sex to get their needs temporarily satisfied. Guys don't care whether a woman wants a relationship or not because the ones who say they do are willing to accept less and the ones that say they don't want one, often change their mind about that as well. I fully believe that I am someone who guys label as "shortterm". I think they like my personality enough and I'm okay enough looking but most guys don't make any move towards relationship-territory with me. Basically every guy I've liked has seen me for 3 to 6 months then moved on as soon as they've found an upgrade or gotten back together with an ex or we've seemed to get to the point where he's started to have feelings for me and ends it because he doesn't want to have feelings for me. I've seen the signs, that a guy likes me but those few times he quickly quit seeing me.
I had that going on but when I saw what was really happening, I realized those guys were not a compatible fit for me anyway. They all seemed to go the same way, and turned out to be basic. I don't mind quirks and differences but a lot of people need their comfort zone and will retreat to it.
Which, IMO, isn't very wise. Most of us know that sexual 'compatibility' often changes over time, especially for women.
Very true, but I certainly would not want to START a relationship where sexual incompatibility already exists!! I would think most people who care about having a good sex life would agree. The future is unknowable, so you need to address future issues if and when they arise.
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...unless they are super awkward or live in their mom's basement? Most men are smart enough IMO to know that would just increase their chances of getting a STD.
