Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
So I'm going to bring this up, sorry, but... how much do you know about this work time away? Is he always in the same place when he's away? As in, how much do you know about whether he has someone else on the side there? Because in my experience, often when a man is suddenly irrationally "annoyed" by his SO, it's because he's got a side piece.
Normally that's something I hate to suggest to anyone, but since you should drop him anyway for being unstable and borderline abusive, it's not like it's the possibility of infidelity that would be the relationship-killer here. (Here's a hint: his behavior is classic for abusers: they hurt you and then they're super-sweet for a while to make up for it... until the next time they hurt you. It's also a classic behavior to blame you for their abuse.)
Honestly, OP, I don't agree that you should play games with him by temporarily leaving and pretending it's over, or by "taking a break." Just get out and stay away. This guy is nothing you want to live with, there's no reason you owe it to him to hang around for (how long??) in hopes that he will get better (it's not your job to "fix" anyone or to have to put yourself, your life, and your emotions on hold while they get themself together-- especially when you don't even know that will happen), and it sounds like his problems are serious enough that they might never be fixable.
Do not leave him with the animals. Take your animals and move out. I don't care if you have to temporarily board them with friends or family until you find a place-- when you go, they go.
Please look up an organization for people in abusive relationships like the National Domestic Abuse Hotline (1-800-799-7233), or one in your local community if you prefer. They have experience with these types of situations, they have seen it all and have found solutions, and can help you with the emotional and practical and safety sides of this.
And let your family and friends know what's going on, so they can watch out for you and help you get away.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RoseeG
Once before he flipped out because I was still on the pill and he wanted me to go off immediately because he wanted to start a family.. this literally came out of left field. Then he came home and didn’t want to talk about it anymore. It’s like he’s a normal human when he’s home and he goes bezerk when he’s gone.
So... do you want to have kids? Do you want them right now? Or did he just decide that he wanted kids and you were going to bear some for him? (Please keep an eye on your birth control. Lock it up or put it somewhere he can't find it. Keep an extra pack in your car or office or somewhere else he absolutely can't find it, so in case your pills go "missing" you can just start taking them from your backup pack. Know what your pills and their packaging look like-- keep a picture on your phone, if you need to-- so you'll know if they're switched.)
Having to consider the animals in all this, is there any way you can ask him to move out? Can you afford the apt on your own? Do you have a lease and can you perhaps move to a smaller apt that will accept all your animals?
At the least, if I were you, this is how I would handle it: I would tell him that you two need a break from each other while he works out his anger issues and that you (cannot) - change to WILL NOT - continue on with the emotional roller coaster he puts you through.
My parents don’t really want me bringing animals there because they have some of their own. I’d have to lock them in a room. Also, 2 of the dogs are mine and one of them has kennel cough from doggie day care. I can’t take them to a daycare until that is cleared up and I can’t bring them to my parents bc they have 2 very old dogs and don’t want to make them sick. It’s a difficult situation with the animals.
And I think I know that, but you’re right. It’s getting to the point where I am questioning my thought process and sanity. He’s making me feel as though I’ve done something wrong when I haven’t. It is already wearing me down. The switch in his personality is mind boggling. It is mental abuse. You are right.
Those feelings your having are actually pretty common with partners of bi polar and bpd people and for me with my ex too, l know the feeling. And if he;s like that at home too only not as bad then with his work thing he's obviously reaching his limits away too or with the job or pressures , or something at the 4 n 5 day mark and it's bringing it on far worse and then lashing it out onto you.. Not to justify it it's just wrong him being that way at home or away but just sayin.
Way l see it if he's normally very loving in between it's a typical pattern , he has something wrong and needs to to be seeing someone. So you'd either wanna try talking to him and into seeing a professional and getting help , or leave the relationship.. You can't talk these disorders around or fix them yourself or use logic on him won't work he needs a professional.
No offense but I feel like there's more to this story. People don't just "flip out" like that for no reason, unless they're insane. Describe exactly and honestly what leads up to him "flipping out".
If your pets aren't extremely old consider re-homing them. It may sound heartless, but you need to get away from him. So unless you can afford to stay where you are and make him leave -you need to make it possible for yourself to leave. Maybe you have friends that would like a cat or dog? Then perhaps you could visit them. Maybe friends could take them on a temporary basis. Do not let him talk you into having children.
My sense of the situation is, that he's not going to go willingly, if you ask him (or tell him) to leave. I don't think this is a conversation you want to have with someone known to have anger issues and to "flip out". OP, if you're having trouble deciding what to do, perhaps get a few counseling sessions to get some clarity on that question. I think the important thing is to keep yourself safe. Trying to boot him out of what he probably regards as his home (shared with you) could be dicey. JMHO.
In any case, if you love him and want the rest of your life to be like this, stay with him.
^I have to agree with this. People rarely change, IME. I'd start moving towards becoming independent before you end up in a really bad situation/marriage you wished you'd prevented back when you could have.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
