Dating someone with an adult autistic son (wife, boyfriend, girlfriend)

[Dawnxo]

I am 50 years old, dating a man for almost four years now. His son is 21 and has severe autism and schizophrenia. The family feels like this young man will receive the best care if he’s home rather than a facility.
There is a history of physical and mental abuse by this individual toward other family members, one of whom is 13 years old.
There can be no conversations in the household because his son is afraid someone will say something to “trigger him.” No television can be watched due to his concern for seeing commercials on tv and that extends to social media. There is no cooking on the stove or oven because he is afraid of fire. He cannot go to restaurants, gyms (TVs are everywhere now). He cannot see political signs when driving, so if they go to a drive through for food he has to keep his eyes closed for the drive. Empty parking lots are a problem because he doesn’t want to think about businesses being closed down due to the pandemic~ which has spurred on a whole new litany of problems. He quit school, cannot or will not attend a work skills program. He cannot be around babies due to crying upsets him. I cannot leave him alone with my dog because I’m afraid he will kill her if she starts to whine.
My concern is that I do not see his situation getting better, but his family members say that he’s better than he used to be and they hope he will recover. I would like to some day live with my now boyfriend. I cannot live with his son.
What do I do? How long do I continue this relationship. It is a very difficult situation and things just keep getting pushed into the closet and not addressed for fear that this individual will be “triggered.” I do not feel he is getting the proper care from intense therapy to his hygiene practices. H E L P.

[Aredhel]

You've said it yourself - you cannot live with your boyfriend's son. And the young man's family seems to be in major denial as to the severity of his problems, so I don't see the situation improving any time soon.

I think it's past time to end the relationship. Your boyfriend might be friend material, but he's not husband material as long as his son is still living with him

[gus2]

There is no "recovery" with autism and schizophrenia. Schizophrenia can be managed with medication and therapy, and many people consider autism to be neurodivergent and not something that needs treatment.

I don't know what the situation is with your boyfriend's mother or if the two of them are coordinating efforts; but I'm afraid that you are not in a position to make decisions about his care. You could look up suggestions for treatment or resources that they haven't considered, but it does seem as though something could be done to improve everyone's quality of life.

[kitkatbar]

I think you may need to reframe your thinking and realize that it's not going to be about recovery but rather long-term management of the schizophrenia and severe autism. At 21, had he not dropped out of school, the discussion would be about the best placement for him when he aged out of sp ed at 22--would he be living at home? Would he be living in a group setting with other adults with similar special needs that would allow him some independence? Work opportunities? Opportunities for him to get out in the community and interact so he's not just shut in his room.

His dad and his teachers and doctors may have already had those conversations over the years and decided he's going to live at home as the long-term plan. Schizophrenia can be notoriously tricky to treat because it's hard to find the right meds and get patients to stay on those meds. And then he's also dealing with the behavioral issues that arise due to severe autism.

So I would not expect that the conversation between you and his dad is going to be go "hey, when can we kick your son out so I can move in?" Ever. At any point. He is always, ALWAYS going to be responsible for his son's care. And unfortunately those two diagnoses, in the severity you are describing are very hard on caregivers, as you're learning firsthand.

Your decision is whether or not you want to sign on for this. You can continue being a part of your boyfriend's life as you are now. But you need to do so with the understanding that son isn't going anywhere.

[CMMom]

There's not going to be any magical cure for this situation. Autism is a lifelong condition and schizophrenia usually is as well, although it can be managed with medication. He is 21 and can't be forced into treatment other than in a few circumscribed situations. So, you need to either be OK with the situation as is or move on. Your boyfriend is probably going to wind up supporting that young man to some degree for his entire life. Even if the son can live in a group home type situation, your boyfriend still will have to manage his finances and be "in charge" from a distance. And if the family's primary goal is to prevent outbursts by feeding in to his delusions, then it will only continue to get worse. This family has been dealing with the son for the same way for 21 years and you know what they say about an old horse and new tricks...

[E-Twist]

I think you need to realize that the son is there permanently. If you were to move in with your bf, everything in your life would revolve around his son. You would have no life of your own. And what happens if your bf gets ill? Let's say he needs to go to the hospital for an unexpected emergency. Are you supposed to stay with his son? What about your dog?

Think of all the things you would like to do. How many of them would become impossible or curtailed because of your bf's son? Vacations? No using the stove - that's insanity. His son is always going to come first and he's most likely going to outlive you and his father. There is no end to him being a problem. It's very sad for the young man, his father, and any other close relatives. But it is what it is and you can't fix it.

In all honesty, if you want to remain in a relationship with this man, I think it's best if you do not live with him. And, should the son go to live with his mother or if some other living arrangements are made for him, I think you need to take into consideration that something could happen that sends him back to living with his father. You need to step back and look at the situation dispassionately. You don't want to find yourself buried by the young man's problems. So if you should live with your bf at some point, always leave yourself an out. Make sure you can afford to leave and that the both of you are never partially financially dependent on the other.

[K12144]

As others have said: you already know the answer to your question. 1. This is a situation you cannot live with. 2. This is not a situation that will ever change.

How much longer should you stay? Well, why would you stay longer? You know, this very minute, that this situation is a dealbreaker for you. So, why draw it out beyond this very minute?

Of course it's not easy to give up a relationship you've been in for years. Of course it's not easy to give up someone you care about. Of course you're going to feel like you're being "mean" (yes, I feel very much for your bf and I'm sure you do too, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have to also put yourself in that situation). I won't deny that and, I'm sure, neither will anyone else. But as hard as these things are, they won't be any easier than spending the rest of your life being miserable that you're tiptoeing around your bf's son. In fact, these things will be hard now but will get easier with time... the situation with your bf's son will not (and may get worse... what happens some day if your bf gets sick or dies? Who takes care of his son? Would the family expect that as his girlfriend/wife, it would be you?).

[HoneyWest]

Sounds like you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Is this the only child your bf has? Such a sad situation for everyone involved however the family has to think about the long term future for the son. If he is not able to manage without them, what will happen to him once they are gone. Will he be among the other mentally illness who are homeless on the streets?

Aren't there any places that he can start therapy and treatment via the court system whether he wants it or not, which will be useful for his life long term. Right now it seems the bf has his head in the sand of denial regarding his son's care and expecting his gf to tolerate this unhealthy pattern and act like it's normal to live in a self imposed prison.

[Chowhound]

Feel bad for the OP. Situation sounds like a complete nightmare. I don't think at my age, about the same as the OP, that I'd be able to hang in that situation. I probably wouldn't have even entertained it in my mid 40s, but that I suppose that is moot at this point.

Got some tough decisions to make. Either stay and suck it up, as others have said, it probably won't get much better or the OP is going to have to part ways.

Sad to invest 4 yrs into something and have to walk away. I don't envy the OP.

Best of luck to you OP.

[E-Twist]

Originally Posted by Chowhound

Feel bad for the OP. Situation sounds like a complete nightmare. I don't think at my age, about the same as the OP, that I'd be able to hang in that situation. I probably wouldn't have even entertained it in my mid 40s, but that I suppose that is moot at this point.

Got some tough decisions to make. Either stay and suck it up, as others have said, it probably won't get much better or the OP is going to have to part ways.

Sad to invest 4 yrs into something and have to walk away. I don't envy the OP.

Best of luck to you OP.

I hope the OP comes back to tell us whether she's had any new thoughts on her situation. It's not that she doesn't have options, but none are ideal for what she wants, which is to live with her bf. She didn't say whether or not there was any pressure from the boyfriend to cohabitate.

I had a friend who married a man with a mentally disabled child. He had shared custody with the ex wife. All was fine while they were dating, but after they married he more and more expected her to take care of the young teen while he had as little interaction with him as possible. They were only married a couple years. She had also made the mistake of adding him to all her assets (he didn't have much) and she lost a lot financially.