Is My Boyfriend's Mother a Narcissist? If so, should I worry? Advice needed.

[HoneyWest]

Sounds like a narcissistic sociopath, so 10 years from now don't say you weren't aware.

[Listener2307]

I would not marry into that family and stay in the same state.
About 2 days drive in a place without an airport would no the trick.

[Nov3]

Pretty sure Prince Harry is already married. You might want to pick another similar high profiled family to mimic your story upon. Maybe the Kardashians?

I personally think any fiancee' that makes a remark of "My brother is weird like that" is probably Young himself despite the birth certificate age of 30.

Until you leave your baggage behind from the former experience you are not living the life of a healthy person. Take the wisdom from that experience . Stop though thinking anytime a Parent has cautionary concern that they are "narcissitic".

Hope you come back OP , folks here gave some thought filled and mature understanding.

[Libertariansmovingtoidaho]

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

Hi all,

I am a 25 year old female who has been in a serious relationship with my 30 year old boyfriend for 10 months now. I love my boyfriend and he loves me very much. If we are completely meant for each other, then we are planning on getting engaged one year from now, and married the year after that. I just have 1 concern and it could be a disastrous one. Please let me know of this situation, what do to do, and if I am handling it correctly.

So… 2 years ago, I was in a relationship with a narcissist. I knew I was in a relationship with him after I was discarded for new supply. I felt fooled, deceived, used, and trashed. I never knew what narcissism was until I told my friend (who has a BS in psychology) about this situation, even about how I was so loyal to stay committed to the narcissist - even through the mental and physical abuse. I even lived in the narcissists family household with him - I got to know his narcissistic siblings and the queen mother. His father seemed like he just didn’t want to get involved with the family or myself because they knew about their evil schemes lol so he would pretty much just “live” in that house.

Anyways, after talking to so many guys for 1 year after that (because now I am more wise about who to choose), I have now been in a relationship after that for 10 months now. My boyfriend seems so loving, kind, apologetic, and would do anything for me. I am not used to this in a relationship because I would usually be the one doing this lol. I feel like a queen. We love each other very much, but I feel that his mom is a narcissist. I read about how children of narcissists are either narcissists themselves (like my ex) or are just very sweet people with insecurities and low self-esteem (like how my boyfriend is). I am not scared that he will destroy my life, but I am scared to get married to him, and his mother destroys my life! Then she might even manipulate him into divorcing me (crazy thought, and I hope I am wrong)!

I’ve always wanted an amazing mother-in-law, because I myself would be a mother-in-law to my kids spouses - as if I was their own mother! But I don’t expect that from my boyfriends mom, and he even told me that. Here are the reasons I suspect for my boyfriends mother to be a narcissist (please correct me if I am wrong, and please tell me what I should do/if this would actually put my marriage in jeopardy in the future):

My boyfriend told his mom after 6 months that he loves me and that he might want to marry me in the future, so he told her to please allow her to meet me. She started saying this: “But why why why? You know you are handsome, young, and have a good job. Maybe she is trying to take advantage of you.” And they were just arguing back and forth, with her still not approving. Then he mentioned it again 1 month later and she came up with this excuse “It’s too early” and when she said that, my boyfriends brother overheard and went to her “Mom, what are you saying? It’s not too early to just meet, plus she is literally everything that you told us to look for in a girl.” She didn’t say anything. She later went to my boyfriend and said “I hope you don’t think I will get involved in your marriage because I won’t”. Idk about you but if someone randomly said to me “I’m not a murderer” I might suspect that they are a murderer.

I finally met my boyfriends mom because my boyfriend convinced her to, especially as I was about to leave him because I thought he was the one making excuses, and he was not serious about me. Little did I know that it was actually the narcissistic mom (stupid me thinking she was normal). When I first entered her household, she just said hi and smiled, and I was the one to reach out to her to give her a hug. She sat down with me and her son (my boyfriends brother) who insulted me about my looks (saying that he can’t marry someone with dark features like me, because they will look like him - although he is not good looking lol) my boyfriend whispered to me “Ignore my brother, he’s weird.” Then while the mom sat with me, I opened conversation saying “Your house is beautiful” then she was like “Oh yeah, it’s small but is your house small?” I said “No it’s big” then she was like “Oh yeah, my sister has a huge house”. Then she told me to help bring the dinner she cooked to the table, so we can eat. Then we talked about HER for 2 hours straight, she was doing alllll the talking and she was just talking about herself. The second (and last) question she asked me was “Are you close to your siblings?” I said “Oh yeah, we are close, we always talk and text”, then she goes “Idk about you, but my sisters and I are best friends.” Lol the conversation seemed to not only be about herself, but a competition with me?! I felt like I wanted to cry after I left her house - I felt so much selfishness from her, indirect insults, and fakeness. I hope I’m wrong.

She would always compare my boyfriend to his cousin. My boyfriend would always tell me that his mom would always cook his brother more food because she loves him more. He would constantly tell me these things… at first I thought he was joking! LOL

She turned her mother-in-law against her husband (her own son), and her children. They don’t associate with the dad’s side of the family, and everything is revolved around the mother and the mother’s sisters.

I gave my boyfriends mom so much snacks and goodies, because I just randomly give things away because I don’t throw anything away. And she never was grateful for any of it, so I just stopped because she probably would’ve thought I was desperate for her son or I have some agenda. It’s not worth someone taking advantage of your generosity or kindness.

She always thinks she’s right, and I know this because her own sons and husband would argue with her and all tell her - but she would never agree.

She always talks about how my boyfriend messed up her stomach because he was a C-section baby. I feel like she might have even criticized him about his appearance because he always says “I uggo” “I uggo” (“I’m ugly”) constantly. Maybe it’s a joke but I feel bad when someone constantly says this about themself.

She talks bad about her sisters in front of her sons, especially if one of the sisters revolves the conversation on herself - and not her.

She has her sons call her “beautiful” all the time. Her sons are 30 and 33 years old, not married, and live with her. She begs them to never leave her and her husband alone with her. They give her money to go to the hair salon, they also pay the bills in the house. They also do anything for her - get things from the shelves that “she can’t reach”, have her use their cars, and they wake themselves up with their mom yelling at them at 2 AM to help her watch TV because she can’t get the remote to work.

She use to beat her sons with coat hangers. I think this is harsh. He even told me that the coat hangers would break on their heads…

How I handled this because I read about how these people will interfere in your marriage in a negative way, was to educate him on narcissism. I had him read about it. He was shocked at first, but later admitted to it. I felt bad telling him this, crying about it, and annoying him on it… but I just want him to protect himself - with me or without me. Because I know these people just use you and manipulate you all their life - for their own selfish desires.

Are you from a culture where the mother is heavily involved in her children’s life even after adulthood? Like from an Indian background? I’m wondering this because if so, I don’t think this relationship is going to work. Coming from a background of being raised by a narcissistic mother the trauma bond tends to be so strong that unless he becomes wise to the abuse or she says/does something that turn his heart cold to her he will continue to be in her trap and by extension you and your future children as well. He needs to come to these realizations himself and grow a back bone. If he can’t stand up to his mother and create serious emotional distance- your relationship is doomed to drama and misery. The only response to narcissist is RUN- DISOWN unless you can be completely closed off toward the person. I need to talk to my mom in order to maintain a relationship with my dad. She throws her digs and tries to hurt me- create drama all the time but I’ve come to a place where I can anticipate her next move, where I’ve accepted she’s crazy and I’m not at fault and let go of caring what lies the other people in my family have been told about me or believe about me. If they can’t see me for who I really am, and haven’t figured out that my mother is a jezebel then they don’t deserve to be in my life. Your boyfriend will need to come to this place as well if you are going to have a future. He needs to realize that his mother abused him and he internalized all her BS and in order to heal he needs to distance himself.

[Basiliximab]

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

Hi all,
My boyfriend seems so loving, kind, apologetic, and would do anything for me. I am not used to this in a relationship because I would usually be the one doing this lol. I feel like a queen. We love each other very much, but I feel that his mom is a narcissist. I read about how children of narcissists are either narcissists themselves (like my ex) or are just very sweet people with insecurities and low self-esteem (like how my boyfriend is). I am not scared that he will destroy my life, but I am scared to get married to him, and his mother destroys my life! Then she might even manipulate him into divorcing me (crazy thought, and I hope I am wrong)!

You are right to be cautious. I've heard so many real life horror stories.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

My boyfriend told his mom after 6 months that he loves me and that he might want to marry me in the future, so he told her to please allow her to meet me. She started saying this: “But why why why? You know you are handsome, young, and have a good job. Maybe she is trying to take advantage of you.” And they were just arguing back and forth, with her still not approving. Then he mentioned it again 1 month later and she came up with this excuse “It’s too early” and when she said that, my boyfriends brother overheard and went to her “Mom, what are you saying? It’s not too early to just meet, plus she is literally everything that you told us to look for in a girl.” She didn’t say anything.

Okay, on the one hand she could be looking out for her son's best interest. My own mother (who is definitely not a narcissist, quite the opposite) had the same concern for me with my husband; she thought it was too rushed a relationship and that he may be trying to take advantage of me. But I don't get why she wouldn't have wanted to meet you.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

She later went to my boyfriend and said “I hope you don’t think I will get involved in your marriage because I won’t”. Idk about you but if someone randomly said to me “I’m not a murderer” I might suspect that they are a murderer.

I don't think it's random, but her saying that would give me cause for concern. I think your instincts regarding that are spot on.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

I finally met my boyfriends mom because my boyfriend convinced her to, especially as I was about to leave him because I thought he was the one making excuses, and he was not serious about me. Little did I know that it was actually the narcissistic mom (stupid me thinking she was normal). When I first entered her household, she just said hi and smiled, and I was the one to reach out to her to give her a hug.

I'm sorry, I just wouldn't have felt comfortable enough to give her a hug. You have only known each other for 6 months and haven't actually got engaged. I mean, maybe she should have given you a hug, but some people aren't the huggy feeley kind. I don't think this particular action indicates anything abnormal on her part.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

She sat down with me and her son (my boyfriends brother) who insulted me about my looks (saying that he can’t marry someone with dark features like me, because they will look like him - although he is not good looking lol) my boyfriend whispered to me “Ignore my brother, he’s weird.”

I don't get what the brother was saying. Why would your dark features make your guy's children look like him? To me that doesn't even make any sense. I would probably not want to have much to do with the brother.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

Then while the mom sat with me, I opened conversation saying “Your house is beautiful” then she was like “Oh yeah, it’s small but is your house small?” I said “No it’s big” then she was like “Oh yeah, my sister has a huge house”.

Hmm. A bit odd. The normal thing to do, the socially proper thing, would be to say something like, "Oh, thank you. We lived here for [x] years" and maybe talk about when you moved in or what you liked about it or something. And then maybe ask about your house or housing arrangements or what kind of house you like, or whatever the direction of the conversation seemed to move toward.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

Then she told me to help bring the dinner she cooked to the table, so we can eat. Then we talked about HER for 2 hours straight, she was doing alllll the talking and she was just talking about herself. The second (and last) question she asked me was “Are you close to your siblings?” I said “Oh yeah, we are close, we always talk and text”, then she goes “Idk about you, but my sisters and I are best friends.” Lol the conversation seemed to not only be about herself, but a competition with me?! I felt like I wanted to cry after I left her house - I felt so much selfishness from her, indirect insults, and fakeness. I hope I’m wrong.

That's not good. She should be trying to get to know you, who may be her daughter-in-law. Most people I've met generally ask me questions about me and not talk about themselves. I don't think you're wrong unfortunately.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

She would always compare my boyfriend to his cousin. My boyfriend would always tell me that his mom would always cook his brother more food because she loves him more. He would constantly tell me these things… at first I thought he was joking! LOL

That's not a good sign either. I think a lot of parents tend to have favorites, but they generally won't be blatant about it or try to rub it in the other childrens' faces.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

She turned her mother-in-law against her husband (her own son), and her children. They don’t associate with the dad’s side of the family, and everything is revolved around the mother and the mother’s sisters.

That is not a good sign if that is in fact what she did (did she tell you this herself?). Manipulative characteristics are red flag city.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

I gave my boyfriends mom so much snacks and goodies, because I just randomly give things away because I don’t throw anything away. And she never was grateful for any of it, so I just stopped because she probably would’ve thought I was desperate for her son or I have some agenda. It’s not worth someone taking advantage of your generosity or kindness.

Okay, maybe a bit unappreciative but maybe she didn't have much use for it and didn't want to tell you. I wouldn't be bothered by this that much. Gifts are supposed to be given with nothing sought in return, even thanks. If you're giving her the stuff and want appreciation for it and you're not getting any then problem easily solved, stop giving them. Now if she makes a big deal out of that you've stopped giving her this stuff then that would be a problem.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

She always thinks she’s right, and I know this because her own sons and husband would argue with her and all tell her - but she would never agree.

That's pretty annoying; I wouldn't want to deal with that. My brother's pretty much that way but there's a physical distance between us and we're not close, so I don't have to put up with that very much.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

She always talks about how my boyfriend messed up her stomach because he was a C-section baby.

Huh? A lot of children are born C-section; it's what I hear almost all the time now. I thought it was out of health concern for the mother, but I don't know like anything about it so I may definitely be wrong. That's pretty disgusting of her to do that to her own child. Sounds like she regrets giving birth to him. This would make me see her in a very disgusting light.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

I feel like she might have even criticized him about his appearance because he always says “I uggo” “I uggo” (“I’m ugly”) constantly. Maybe it’s a joke but I feel bad when someone constantly says this about themself.

I'm sorry and I do ask this in a respectful manner, but does your boyfriend have a speech impediment? Or was this what he said when he was younger? You said he says this constantly about himself and I'm trying to respectfully understand why he appears to be talking in baby speech.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

She talks bad about her sisters in front of her sons, especially if one of the sisters revolves the conversation on herself - and not her.

That's an ugly character trait. Signs of manipulation too, if she's saying it behind their back. If there's something she has a problem with she should take them aside and not say it in front of family.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

She has her sons call her “beautiful” all the time.

Why would they do that? She sounds like an ugly person. She may have brainwashed them.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

Her sons are 30 and 33 years old, not married, and live with her. She begs them to never leave her and her husband alone with her.

Huh? I'm guessing you mean she begs them to never leave her and her husband alone together. That's what I'm not getting. That doesn't make any sense. Why would she expect them to stay in the house they grew up in? This doesn't sound like a multi-generational household, but maybe I'm not understanding that correctly (what I mean is she doesn't sound like she comes from a culture where that is fairly normal. She sounds typical middle/upper-middle class American).

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

They give her money to go to the hair salon, they also pay the bills in the house.

I hope she's prepared to be on her own when they leave the house to start their own families.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

They also do anything for her - get things from the shelves that “she can’t reach”, have her use their cars, and they wake themselves up with their mom yelling at them at 2 AM to help her watch TV because she can’t get the remote to work.

Getting things from a high shelf she can't reach is polite, but not the using their cars (unless it's once in a while) or being waken up in the middle of the night for a non-emergency. I'm sorry, but her sons sounds brainwashed.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

She use to beat her sons with coat hangers. I think this is harsh. He even told me that the coat hangers would break on their heads…

Okay, this is getting into psychopath territory which I think you're walking into already.

Originally Posted by adviceisgreat392

How I handled this because I read about how these people will interfere in your marriage in a negative way, was to educate him on narcissism. I had him read about it. He was shocked at first, but later admitted to it. I felt bad telling him this, crying about it, and annoying him on it… but I just want him to protect himself - with me or without me. Because I know these people just use you and manipulate you all their life - for their own selfish desires.

I'm sorry OP but this looks bad. I know you say you love this person, but once the honeymoon phase is over, I think this will be an insurmountable problem for you in your marriage. And I think it is quite plain to you that your mother-in-law will be interfering quite a bit. You know that; though by your post you sound as though you're trying to convince yourself she might not be as bad as you think she might be. Well, it is good that you face that reality before you get married.

I think the only way you should move forward in this relationship is if your boyfriend will agree to cut ties with his mother. Now I don't think this will be likely since it appears she has a too strong hold over him. But if you move ahead and get married (without the boyfriend's family in the picture, as I can tell you this is a fact: she will NOT change), this is what will probably happen: you will want so bad for this to work and you will try desperately for it to; but your mother-in-law will try just as desperately to destroy your marriage. Eventually, she will because you will just be too beaten down by trying and not succeeding after the honeymoon phase is over.

Originally Posted by E-Twist

I think the term narcissist is being heavily overused these days. Don't like someone for some reason - now they are a narcissist.

She may not be a narcissist but she definitely has some socially maladaptive characteristics and she has a strong sway over her sons. Let the OP come back here in 5 or 10 years if she goes through with the marriage (which I feel like she might) and let her tell us what happened. Maybe she will prove some of us wrong. My bet is though that we who are cautioning against this relationship are correct. But only her moving forward and proving us wrong will give us answers. We will likely end up never knowing.

[Petunia 100]

You can't fix his mother, whether or not she is a narcissist. What you can do is learn to set healthy boundaries. Your boyfriend can do the same, but that is his choice.

[Bootsamillion]

O Kaaaaay...... here's my two cents on all this.

Your Boyfriend has just as many bad habits as his Mommy, that's for sure. Am I understanding correctly that he, as well as his siblings, still live at home and cater to her every need? He allows her to be rude to you and you want to blame all this on his Mother? Boyfriend is allowing his Mom to control him and he needs some therapy, as does the Mother of course.

Just because she's selfish and rude doesn't make her a narcissist. It makes her a *****. And that will never change.

[Sassybluesy]

Originally Posted by M3 Mitch

Well, reproductive biology 101 - males inherit the overall mental architecture of their mothers, because it goes only on the "X" chromosome. So this guy is exactly as nuts, and in the same way, as his mother.

Use this biological fact as you wish.

Gosh, I SERIOUSLY did not know that! But it makes sense to me.


I have 2 adult sons, both of them deal with anxiety, and I've often told my oldest son things like "I probably would've dealt with that the exact same way, even if that's not the healthy way" etc.


AND my stepson seems to be bipolar and has a personality disorder...and HIS mother is...mean and nuts.

[gentlearts]

I may have missed it, but is the boyfriend aware of the way his mother appears to others? Does he have healthy boundaries with her? If not, I’d be extremely careful about being involved with him. A nice long engagement, and plans for living a good distance from mom is in order.

It’s all fun and games in the first 10 months, but don’t commit until you know the bf will not be a mommas boy.