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The impression I'm getting from your posts is that you approach men like a steamroller The reaction you're seeing might be more of shock and annoyance rather than revulsion. Some of the examples you gave sound like men were just minding their own business (reading, shopping, eating) when you came onto them so engaging in flirting might have been far from their minds. Think of the way women react when they're being hit on by strangers. Also, some men are particularly turned off by loud women. Is your voice maybe too forceful?
Something is happening right at the beginning - the first impression - so I can understand why you would want a truthful male friend to give you some advice. I hope you figure it out. From your posts you sound like a really nice, genuine person.
Thank you. This comment is very kind and you seem to have grasped what I’m saying, and have brought out a good point. Perhaps I have unintentionally been too forceful; the issue is folks are saying “The women have to approach the men these days”, “try to meet men at restaurants, coffee shops, or activities.” Combine that with the fact that men never approach me at all - it’s still sort of a catch-22. They’re not going to speak to me or approach me, but they don’t want me to approach them.
Also, I haven’t had any luck with making eye contact and smiling from across the room and things of that nature. Sometimes they even avert their eyes and look away.
I am going to examine my voice. I can get loud sometimes.
If you say that you want to be serious then take that as you don't want to have fun. That's one of those things that guys typically see is a red flag.
There's nothing wrong with wanting a long-term relationship if I were you I would stipulate in the profile that you're not interested in hookups only seeking a long-term relationship. Long-term relationships can be fun they're not always serious.
If you want better luck with it you have to remove the statement that you only want serious relationships. Men looking for a person to date view that as a red flag.
Serious relationships are not fun, why would a guy sign up for that?
Also what is your criteria that you request of a man?
If you want better luck with it you have to remove the statement that you only want serious relationships. Men looking for a person to date view that as a red flag.
Serious relationships are not fun, why would a guy sign up for that?
Also what is your criteria that you request of a man?
Ok I will revise that. To be honest - I don’t have any criteria of what I’m looking for from men, because there’s so little space on the apps. I mostly was using it to describe my interests and things I like - movies, travel, blah blah blah. I don’t have anything that I’m looking for from men. Should I add some things?
Ok I will revise that. To be honest - I don’t have any criteria of what I’m looking for from men, because there’s so little space on the apps. I mostly was using it to describe my interests and things I like - movies, travel, blah blah blah. I don’t have anything that I’m looking for from men. Should I add some things?
Okay there's nothing wrong with that but maybe you should say what you're looking for. If you're not looking for anything in a man why would you be on a dating website?
Maybe the issue is that you don't know what you want. My advice would be figure that out. Just because you don't have a whole lot of experience doesn't mean you should be desperate. If anything that is a benefit.
When you get an idea of what you want for a man outside of just a pulse and to show interest in you you'll be sitting yourself up for a healthy relationship as it stands if you don't think about that it's very easy to fall into a relationship that is manipulative and that's worse than being alone.
Ok I will revise that. To be honest - I don’t have any criteria of what I’m looking for from men, because there’s so little space on the apps. I mostly was using it to describe my interests and things I like - movies, travel, blah blah blah. I don’t have anything that I’m looking for from men. Should I add some things?
I want to elaborate. It's perfectly okay if the things that you want from a man are simple. If you want to be loved and accepted if you want an honest man if you want a strong man if you want a courageous man that's actually better because that's easier to provide. Maybe you're not repulsive to men maybe they just picked up on that you don't necessarily know what you want and if you don't know what they want they can't provide it to you and that's what a man desires in a relationship, generally. They want to be needed they want to be appreciated, they want to be valued these are simple things that anybody can provide if you get these basic things down I think you'll get better luck.
Then we have the things that we are attracted to and these are things you have to be honest about. I don't think there's a such thing as an undesirable woman just universally speaking. There may be smaller pool of people that are attracted to whatever it is about you that makes you you, the men that desire that may not be who you've been looking for.
It's excellent that you have an open mind. But start thinking about what you would want.
I truly appreciate everyone’s input. I am still incredibly confused and sad, especially since I’m now going on three decades of this. I still suspect this is some innate “energy” that I don’t really have control of, and there’s little I can do about it, which also is incredibly sad and frustrating. Feels really unfair for the universe to decide automatically that you will be discarded and unwanted. However, I am going to at least try to put my best foot forward and implement some of the things suggested here:
*Assess if I have too much masculine energy. Find ways to tap into the feminine
*More girly stuff - dresses, makeup, heels, things of that nature. Show a little skin. Perhaps I can convert over from t-shirts to tank tops and more fashionable leggings when exercising or doing outdoor stuff.
*Maybe could stand to lose more weight (even though many of my friends who have tons of suitors are plump).
*Assess and possibly modulate tone of voice. Maybe speak softer
*Be mindful of body language
*Be mindful of what is happening at the very beginning of meeting someone
*Rewrite dating app intro
*Be clear on what I want
*Have more confidence and self-esteem; be positive.
*I already do meetups and groups, but maybe I need to join new ones and do more. Maybe instead of doing 1-2 a month, I need to do some several nights a week?
*Try to figure out the “right” way to approach men that doesn’t turn them off and offend them. Some are saying women have to approach now, but the men I’m approaching don’t want to be approached, at least not by me - which is the entire reason why I made this post, LOL. I will have to put some thought and effort into figuring this out. But definitely don’t come on too strong.
This is really giving me some things to think about and try, thank you. I typically don’t even get far enough to be “mysterious”, or pull any tricks out of a bag. I try to laugh a lot and be pleasant and friendly. I am not 100% sure how to be more feminine, but maybe I’ll order some more dresses and halter tops. The problem is when I’m doing outdoor things or at the gym. I started wearing light makeup and stud earrings to the gym or outdoor activities. Maybe I need to examine my tone of voice and volume.
It’s crazy, because none of my friends do any of this, and still have better luck!
You should let guys know that you’re “a little” outdoorsy and athletic but you can still wear a dress and cook a nice dinner, LOL.
I have never had much male attention, from my young years to the present (mid 40s). I didn’t have boyfriends in high school at all even though I wanted one, and I had maybe two in five years of college. In my younger years I would try to aggressively approach men that I liked, but that never worked and I don’t do that anymore. They made it very clear they wanted nothing to do with me. The only men I’ve been in relationships with have turned out to be narcissists or manipulators. I don’t ever get approached by any quality men. The handful who have approached me are narcissists or men with significant issues (poor hygiene, extremely poor social skills, etc). And to be honest, I have not been approached by a man in years.
I hear plenty of friends my age and various levels of attractiveness say “I never have a problem finding suitors”, “If my man starts acting up I just call one of the others I have waiting in the wings”, “My man bought me nice gifts”, “Men are constantly attracted to me”, etc. and my mind is absolutely boggled, as I could never even attract one.
Am I the only one? Is there a such thing as “energy” or “aura” or something? I think I’m friendly and fun, and I don’t have problems making female friends at all.
Don't be that woman who puts "No ONS/FWB" on her profile.
It's not needed.
Simply block men who
1) turn the convo sexual early on
2) invite you to their house (esp late) early on
They will quickly figure out you wont be the one for their "fun"
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The reaction you're seeing might be more of shock and annoyance rather than revulsion. Some of the examples you gave sound like men were just minding their own business (reading, shopping, eating) when you came onto them so engaging in flirting might have been far from their minds. Think of the way women react when they're being hit on by strangers. Also, some men are particularly turned off by loud women. Is your voice maybe too forceful?
