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Gay guys here. I was recently pursuing a fling, that made me realize what I really want.
Some of you may remember back in March and April I was dating a guy for close to two months. It really was amazing, as we saw each other 3-4 times a week, spoke every day, and it just felt right. There was a deep and real connection there. We had met before, but we were living in different cities across the country, so we were acquaintances beforehand until I moved to the same city, and poof we hit the ground running. Sadly after 7 weeks it ended, but not in a bad way. There was a lot of confusion in the air and I think it was apparent that we both had feelings for each other, but were both confused. At the time I didn't think I was in love with him, but now I look back and think I am and have been. The timing just wasn't right. Even this guy I recently met that is just a fling, does not match up to how I feel about this "ex".
As I look back and have had time to reflect, I think I was a lot more responsible for the break up than I realized. The very first week we started dating was also the very first week that I had moved across the country to the city where we both live. It was exciting, but also I realize I was overwhelmed. Moving across the country to a new city where I don't know many people, but also dating and falling for someone immediately is a lot. I didn't realize it then, but I do now, that I was overwhelmed. And subconsciously I think I was very confusing to him. It's almost like I had my guard up a lot of the time. To sum it up I wasn't ready to date, and honestly when I first moved I didn't want to date, but then I met him, and felt like I couldn't just pass on it. I was never conflicted on how I felt about him, rather how to proceed. I will say he was the one initiating things more than I was.
While I contributed in my own way, his communication when things ended was handled poorly too. He was very confused because he didn't understand where I was at, so his insecurities got the best of him. He told me he felt this real connection with me he wanted to explore something with me, but he in the end he was confused. In mid-May we met up to talk about what we both could have done better and we both apologized agreeing that perhaps now was not the best time to pursue anything romantic. It was a great meeting as we both really showed we cared for each other and had a mature conversation that was very peaceful, friendly, and kind to each other.
After the break up I could see I was handling things better than he was. He became depressed, stopped working out and his best friend would reach out to me time to time to check up on me. His behavior changed. I could tell he was hurting a lot, even though we weren't really communicating.
We didn't speak for two months, until his birthday at the end of July. I sent him a kind birthday text, which he quickly responded thanking me with a blushing smiley face emoji and told me that he hoped everything was going well with me. I responded to him in kind. A few weeks after that, he started commenting on my Instagram posts, leaving nice responses.
Here's the thing, ever since the break up, now three, going on four months, I think about him all the time. I never stopped. I am a pretty active person doing outdoor activities and I always think to myself I wish he were there with me as I know he would enjoy it. When I do things I know he would like I think to myself about him. I think about him all the time. When I am in bed cuddling my pillows I wish it was him. The thing is that I have been active in my life, I do a lot of things that keep me busy, meeting new people, going on dates, but that connection is just there and the feelings aren't going away. We had such a great time together and honestly, we didn't even really fight or anything like that. To the very end we were having real great connections and bonding moments. It's just the timing was off. I didn't realize it then, but I do now. The space and time given to reflect on all this has really opened my eyes.
My friends told me his back-to-back commenting on my posts on social media might be a sign he wants to reconnect. So I sent him a text message this week. I first asked him how he was doing. And he told me he was doing well, that he was currently out of the country on a trip. I then asked that when he got back and was settled in if he would like to grab a bite to eat as it would be nice to see him, catch up and hear about his trip. He told me that meeting up with me would be great, then proceeded to ask me how I was doing. I answered and we agreed that once he gets back we will pick a day to meet up.
I don't know it just feels like back then things felt very real, and I am sure he has had time to reflect as well. Like I said back then he was the one initiating things more than I was. The reason we talked every day, and saw each other 3-4 times a week was because he would pursue that and he loved spending time with me, as I did with him. I think in the end, I needed to get settled into my new life, in a new city, without dating anyone. Heck, as sad and down as I was when we broke up, I was a little relieved, relieved that I could focus on just getting my footing in my new city.
So I am anxious about seeing him again. I am nervous, excited, scared. Any advice?
It seems like you really came to terms with what was happening back then. Good on you for figuring all of that out! So many people wouldn't have the same introspection that you did, or even the humility to look inward.
Seems like you found your bearings.
As for giving you advice...I would just, go with the flow. A heartfelt conversation about where you both were, and where you are now, may be in order. Basically, both of you laying your cards on the table in honesty.
It seems like you really came to terms with what was happening back then. Good on you for figuring all of that out! So many people wouldn't have the same introspection that you did, or even the humility to look inward.
Seems like you found your bearings.
As for giving you advice...I would just, go with the flow. A heartfelt conversation about where you both were, and where you are now, may be in order. Basically, both of you laying your cards on the table in honesty.
Good luck to you!
Thanks. I just don't want to come in too hard putting pressure, nor do I want to give the impression I am not interested (repeat history).
He's a very sweet and sensitive guy, and he made a lot of kind gestures, which I was receptive, but I always help back. I really think I was just in a very vulnerable place. Dating someone and getting feelings while also just having moved to a brand new city across the country, had me a lot more vulnerable than I realized.
When we broke up he did mess up in the way he handled it, and I was very upset with him, but I look back and I realize he was really confused and he didn't communicate that effectively.
I remember even while we were dating, I could feel myself holding back but at the same time very interested in him. I thought maybe I was just someone that needed to take things slow (which isn't partially true). But I think back and see he had valid points. He told me we stopped being affectionate, and he was right, and that was more on me. As we got deeper I became more cautious and guarded.
But the reality was I wasn't in a position to date. Yes, I was mentally stable and healthy, but I was overwhelmed. I really needed to get my footing and get comfortable before exposing myself to dating.
As much as I miss him and want to see him, I think us not seeing or really speaking for a few months was the best thing we could do.
Remember, that guy wasn’t that into you and had a serious medical issue. It was whole scene.
Doing what again?
What was a whole scene? He didn't have a medical issue. He thought he may had had gonorrhea, but it turned out he didn't.
And it was never that he wasn't into me, that was eventually cleared up in a later discussion. I look back and I see clearer what happened. The first six weeks, he was really interested in me. And I realize I was hot and cold. For example, one time he went in for a kiss and I pulled away. Or I stopped being affectionate the deeper we got into it. I realize that subconsciously I wasn't ready. I thought maybe I was just taking things slow, but I realize I was really holding back and he was getting signals that I wasn't that into him, even though we were spending a lot of time together, I have to admit I was holding back on being affectionate. I think I laid the groundwork for there to be confusion. And when he thought I wasn't interested, he handled it poorly. We both were at fault in different ways. Add the gonorrhea scare to the mix that last week when we "broke up" and it just got really mixed up and the timing was just a mess.
When we met in May to discuss things, it was very positive. He told me that he had feelings for me up until the last week of dating, which I don't believe is the case. Your feelings just don't turn off like that. And I have to go by actions after that though. I have learned, especially with men, actions speak louder than words. And his actions since indicate to me more that feelings are there, I think we both just messed up back in April.
Sorry, I would not give someone the chance to reject me twice, personal issue or not. It's too much baggage and life is too short.
I would keep moving forward and leave the drama behind.
But that's just me.
Do what you will.
Once an X, always an X. Never look back.
Works for me... then again, not everyone is 'me'.
And, OP, in my experience... when someone's feelings turn off like a tap, it means they never really had feelings in the first place... or, if they did, at the bare minimum, they were not genuine.
Sounds like your breakup was fairly hurtful for both of you.
I got back with two exes, we tried but the magic was gone.
I see no harm in meeting up for a drink or a bite to eat, but try to make sure it won't lead to both of you being hurt again.
If you both go into it with no to low expectations it'll probably have a more positive outcome.
Good luck and do post back after your meeting.
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