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I guess I have trouble with the word exclusivity. I mean, it is really considered exclusive in the dating sense if you are meeting someone for the first or second time and put off meeting another potential suitor until you see if this one is going to play out or not?
I suppose the dictionary definition of exclusivity fits but I view that term as one that's used with an established relationship. I guess that's where I got tripped up.
In my book it is not exclusive till everyone knows it is exclusive. I don’t think it is uncommon for that convo to happen in a few months. But some people may decide sooner as well.
That being said on person may be ready to go exclusive but not tell the other person until they feel like that person is ready.
In my book it is not exclusive till everyone knows it is exclusive. I don’t think it is uncommon for that convo to happen in a few months. But some people may decide sooner as well.
That being said on person may be ready to go exclusive but not tell the other person until they feel like that person is ready.
Meanwhile, the third person may get hurt. No matter what way you slice it.
Meanwhile, the third person may get hurt. No matter what way you slice it.
Being exclusive is a two way street. I can decide I am not seeing other people. But I can’t expect another person to agree to that, unless we agree on that expectation. It is a mutual decision. Two people need to agree on the level of commitment.
Being exclusive is a two way street. I can decide I am not seeing other people. But I can’t expect another person to agree to that, unless we agree on that expectation. It is a mutual decision. Two people need to agree on the level of commitment.
A handful of dates doesn’t mean commitment.
I agree with you totally. Exclusivity to me requires both people to be on board with it and make it clear. I would not consider it exclusive in the dating sense if I met someone and held off meeting/talking to others while I got to know this person.
I guess my admittedly out of touch self believes that this juggling stuff is what contributes to a lack of people wanting to commit to anything. The more people you enter into simultaneous dating situations with, the more comparisons you are going to make and the more likely you will wish this person was more like this person, and that person was more like that person. These comparisons can lead to eliminating what may be wonderfully compatible partners. For me, I would find it very difficult to evaluate a person as they are if I was seeing other people at the same time.
These comments specifically refer to people looking for long term relationships.
I personally would go for Mr. Challenging. I like intelligent men who I can have a great conversation with. Mr. Easy is still legally married so IMO that would automatically disqualify him and he sounds a bit boring.
I agree with you totally. Exclusivity to me requires both people to be on board with it and make it clear. I would not consider it exclusive in the dating sense if I met someone and held off meeting/talking to others while I got to know this person.
I guess my admittedly out of touch self believes that this juggling stuff is what contributes to a lack of people wanting to commit to anything. The more people you enter into simultaneous dating situations with, the more comparisons you are going to make and the more likely you will wish this person was more like this person, and that person was more like that person. These comparisons can lead to eliminating what may be wonderfully compatible partners. For me, I would find it very difficult to evaluate a person as they are if I was seeing other people at the same time.
These comments specifically refer to people looking for long term relationships.
THIS. This is one reason (of many) why I hate modern dating. I was always a one woman kind of guy, but I had to adjust to the female mentality of dating multiple people post divorce. It was always uncomfortable for me.
I personally would go for Mr. Challenging. I like intelligent men who I can have a great conversation with. Mr. Easy is still legally married so IMO that would automatically disqualify him and he sounds a bit boring.
Guy #2 came on a bit too strong with those personal questions, don’t you think? Like he was conducting an intrusive job interview.
I personally would go for Mr. Challenging. I like intelligent men who I can have a great conversation with. Mr. Easy is still legally married so IMO that would automatically disqualify him and he sounds a bit boring.
Yeah, that pesky still being married thing would kind of throw a spanner into the works. The more I think about that, I think he shouldn't be dating even though he is separated. It's been two years. He may be more
Mr. Enertia than Easy Going. Someone needs to light a fire under him.
Regarding dating more than one person at a time, I think it is rare that "multidating" goes on for very long if someone is hoping to eventually have a serious relationship. Maybe a handful of dates and then either someone stands out, very clearly, from all the rest because you like them just that much or you are having that much "click" with them, or you realize there isn't much there for the deeper connection you are hoping for and things fizzle out.
The danger in dating one person at a time is that after a certain amount of time, you may feel like, "Well, I've already put time and effort into this person, so might as well try to make it work" when there are a few signs that the person is not right for you. That is a common theme on this forum from what I see.
Were I to date now, I still would not want to put all of my eggs in one basket and then have to start from scratch over and over in a linear fashion so that it takes a year to figure out four men I could have figured out in three months if I dated them all at the same time.
Also, I will say the things that should not be said. One more advantage to multidating is that it is not nearly as disappointing if someone turns out not to be "all that," nor is it nearly as discouraging if someone breaks it off with you. It is much easier to let go of someone if you are not sitting home getting into your own head and convincing yourself that nobody wants you or you'll never find someone just because it didn't work out with this one person you put all of your time and energy into right from the start. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself like you will be "forever alone" when you have evidence to the contrary from others.
I am sure some people will chafe at that, as we have heard ad infinitum from people who get offended if they feel like they weren't someone's tip-top first choice, but ideally if you are dating more than one person at once, it is because you actually LIKE them in some way, anyway, and not just passing time or doing it for ego purposes. When I dated, I dated because I wanted to spend time and enjoy companionship with men I liked and genuinely enjoyed being around, each on his own merits or I wouldn't have bothered with them at all.
Regarding dating more than one person at a time, I think it is rare that "multidating" goes on for very long if someone is hoping to eventually have a serious relationship. Maybe a handful of dates and then either someone stands out, very clearly, from all the rest because you like them just that much or you are having that much "click" with them, or you realize there isn't much there for the deeper connection you are hoping for and things fizzle out.
The danger in dating one person at a time is that after a certain amount of time, you may feel like, "Well, I've already put time and effort into this person, so might as well try to make it work" when there are a few signs that the person is not right for you. That is a common theme on this forum from what I see.
Were I to date now, I still would not want to put all of my eggs in one basket and then have to start from scratch over and over in a linear fashion so that it takes a year to figure out four men I could have figured out in three months if I dated them all at the same time.
Also, I will say the things that should not be said. One more advantage to multidating is that it is not nearly as disappointing if someone turns out not to be "all that," nor is it nearly as discouraging if someone breaks it off with you. It is much easier to let go of someone if you are not sitting home getting into your own head and convincing yourself that nobody wants you or you'll never find someone just because it didn't work out with this one person you put all of your time and energy into right from the start. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself like you will be "forever alone" when you have evidence to the contrary from others.
I am sure some people will chafe at that, as we have heard ad infinitum from people who get offended if they feel like they weren't someone's tip-top first choice, but ideally if you are dating more than one person at once, it is because you actually LIKE them in some way, anyway, and not just passing time or doing it for ego purposes. When I dated, I dated because I wanted to spend time and enjoy companionship with men I liked and genuinely enjoyed being around, each on his own merits or I wouldn't have bothered with them at all.
I agree with all of this 100%. When I jumped back into the dating pool this spring, this was my goal/intention; to “roster date”. My friends and family are able to build a roster of 3-5 (or more) with ease. Now I’ve been clear on this forum about my struggles, and that I can’t attract and keep *one* man, much less a roster. But that was my goal for the reasons you delineated. I have a history of latching onto one man and absolutely imploding when it didn’t work out; I figured having options would eliminate this devastation (it does for my friends, they say they take one off the back burner and put him on the front burner). I figured it would give me a chance to see what’s out there, have fun and enjoy myself. And I wouldn’t be acting out of a place of scarcity or lack, but abundance.
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