Rejected because of essential tremor. Would you date a woman [31/F] with tremors? (dates, acquaintance)
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I’d say probably not. It’s one thing if a condition like tremors has an onset when you are deep into a committed relationship and you have to make adjustments. I would not be inclined to jump into a relationship off the bat with knowing I have to be some sort of caretaker or adjust to an existing disability.
She doesn't need a caretaker at all, she just has tremors. It's not a disability at all. It's hardly even noticeable.
I have essential tremor, which is a non-progressive disease that makes my hands, and sometimes other body parts, shake. I was recently rejected by a guy I liked after the second date who otherwise wanted to date me. He said they made him "uncomfortable" and he was unable to make eye contact because he didn't want to make me uncomfortable when I was eating or drinking.
I told him I couldn't control them, and he told me he can't control how he feels. In the end, he decided to end it because he was uncomfortable with how he had made me feel about my tremors. I am heartbroken. I think we could have had a future if it weren't for my tremors.
You can search for videos of essential tremor on YouTube if you're interested - there are plenty. I might be getting surgery for it soon, but it's brain surgery, so it requires a lot of thought.
My question is - would you date a woman with essential tremor? It would be helpful if you included your age.
Thank you for your time!
I'm guessing you're 31 from your username? Have you dated before or been in relationships? If you have, that's your answer. If not, this may not be the best place to ask your question. The internet doesn't invite careful consideration of questions like yours (most people misread it). It's also tough to answer while looking at a screen, as opposed say to talking to you at a party. Even if your tremors are noticeable, seeing them is quite different, and likely less concerning than imagining them. And then there's no chance for you to pique someone's interest with your charm unless you meet in person.
If you're 31 then I'm more than twice your age. Still I think I can imagine being younger. In my early 20s I might have seen your tremors first before I saw you, and I might have felt something like your recent date. But by 30 I would have looked at you as a whole person, and your tremors as a part of you. So 20 year old me sees your tremors, and 30 year old me sees you. If I like you, the tremors wouldn't change that.
When we started dating, my wife told me she had Addison's Disease. With that, her body doesn't produce adrenalin and too much stress will make her start throwing up and she has to be admitted to the hospital to get her meds regulated. She had a pretty stressful job on an Army base and would end up in the hospital 3-4 times a year for at least 3-4 days. When I tried to add her to my life insurance at work, they turned her down because of Addison's. If she didn't get the care she needed quick enough in time, it could kill her. She told me about this several times when we were talking about getting married, in case, she said, I didn't want to be tied down with somebody who was going to be sick all the time. I had to keep reminding her it didn't bother me a bit. I'd be the same with somebody with the tremors. They're a normal person with just a little set back.
She doesn't need a caretaker at all, she just has tremors. It's not a disability at all. It's hardly even noticeable.
Thank you. My siblings and I are in our 60s now, three of four have the tremors. It's definitely not a disability, considering my older sister probably has the worst case and has been a hair stylist for over 40 years without a miss-chop of her clients' hair.
People should Google the term if they aren't sure of the condition. I'd say OP is well-shut of the person if they can't deal with such a thing. It's possible they are thinking of future children; the malady is genetic; but it's more annoying than crippling.
Any given condition, trait, or characteristic will be a "dealbreaker" for someone, somewhere. Meanwhile, plenty of other people won't mind it. I wouldn't worry too much about what random strangers on a a message board say--especially this one, where so many here apparently are flawless and would disqualify others for even the slightest physical or emotional imperfection.
After two dates envisioning picket fence and harmony. The guy escaped. Some people do not deal well with new acquaintances and visually disturbing disabilities. Give him a break.
A few years ago I briefly dated a man who had essential tremors. I didn't break it off because of his shaky hands. I broke it off because he talked non-stop about himself.
A friend of mine has essential tremors. OP is right, they are not progressive. My friend developed them a couple years ago and had hers thoroughly checked out because her mother has Parkinson's, so she was obviously concerned. But multiple specialists allayed her fears. It is nothing that would bother me, but everyone has their preferences. He may have been worried that they actually *were* a condition that could worsen.
Try not to be "heartbroken" because you thought you could have a future with someone after only 2 dates. People put their best (and sometimes highly curated) selves out on dates, just as they do on job interviews, and you really need more than a few hours with someone to find out how they really are before getting so letdown from a rejection.
Do I find the person attractive? By this I don't mean the person has to be a supermodel, but must definitely have a look that I find very beautiful physically.
And besides the physical, how is this person face to face? Does the person seem genuine and not full of themselves, considerate, even mannered? Is there chemistry?
So by itself tremors or other such issues aren't a deal breaker (to a degree of course).
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