How do you assess a partner’s attitude towards money and generosity? (date, boyfriends)
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Dating someone almost 3 months. During the first month or so, he seemed happy to pay when we went out albeit not to any high end restaurants. I always offered to pay but he declined so I made him a few nice dinners. Since doing that, we haven’t been out to dinner much but we have plans to go out with friends the next 2 weekends so I would hope he’d pick up the tab.
We just went on our first weekend getaway and he asked if we could split the cost of the room and food at the hotel which I thought was ok so I did.
I don’t have an issue with splitting everything but it would be nice if he brought a bottle of wine or some flowers one of the weekends he comes over since I buy him food to have a nice breakfast and something to eat during the day. I also buy wine when I make him dinner.
He then says if things work out with us, he wants to live with me “and between the 2 of us, we could live nicely”.
I am very financially stable (live in a beautiful home and have a good nest egg since I’ve worked as an attorney for 38 years) and he professes he is too (financially stable) but currently lives in a one bedroom apartment with little furniture. He did divorce a few years ago and he says he lives like that because it’s only temporary and since staying with me on weekends he realizes how comfortable my home is and that he can afford to live somewhere much nicer and he wants to start that process now (even if we don’t live together for a while).
He just gave me a card for thanksgiving and I noticed it came from the dollar store (by the way I like the dollar store for certain things but not the first holiday card for your girlfriend or boyfriend).
I told him in the beginning I need to be with someone I know can take care of themselves financially since I’m almost 65 years old and he says he can. I have a slightly disabled son and I’m a widow so my son needs my financial help as well.
Does it sound like this man is a bit tight when it comes to money? I am generous and don’t want to be with someone who is cheap or really has no financial stability.
Net wealth is not that well correlated with your salary. Mike Tyson made 700 million dollars in endorsements and prize winnings and today is worth around 3 million dollars.
If you live paycheck to paycheck, even if you make Mike Tyson money you can blow almost all of the money you made and if you live frugally, you can have a pretty large savings even if you never had an especially large earned income.
Go read the Millionaire Next Door. The people who have money often are just really frugal.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beingalert
Dating someone almost 3 months. During the first month or so, he seemed happy to pay when we went out albeit not to any high end restaurants. I always offered to pay but he declined so I made him a few nice dinners. Since doing that, we haven’t been out to dinner much but we have plans to go out with friends the next 2 weekends so I would hope he’d pick up the tab.
We just went on our first weekend getaway and he asked if we could split the cost of the room and food at the hotel which I thought was ok so I did.
I don’t have an issue with splitting everything but it would be nice if he brought a bottle of wine or some flowers one of the weekends he comes over since I buy him food to have a nice breakfast and something to eat during the day. I also buy wine when I make him dinner.
He then says if things work out with us, he wants to live with me “and between the 2 of us, we could live nicely”.
I am very financially stable (live in a beautiful home and have a good nest egg since I’ve worked as an attorney for 38 years) and he professes he is too (financially stable) but currently lives in a one bedroom apartment with little furniture. He did divorce a few years ago and he says he lives like that because it’s only temporary and since staying with me on weekends he realizes how comfortable my home is and that he can afford to live somewhere much nicer and he wants to start that process now (even if we don’t live together for a while).
He just gave me a card for thanksgiving and I noticed it came from the dollar store (by the way I like the dollar store for certain things but not the first holiday card for your girlfriend or boyfriend).
I told him in the beginning I need to be with someone I know can take care of themselves financially since I’m almost 65 years old and he says he can. I have a slightly disabled son and I’m a widow so my son needs my financial help as well.
Does it sound like this man is a bit tight when it comes to money? I am generous and don’t want to be with someone who is cheap or really has no financial stability.
A dollar store card? Oh the horror.
It looks like to me the guy is making an effort to live inside of his means, which are probably compromised with his divorce. He did pay for the first few dates so he has no issue treating you on occasion. It sounds to me he is reasonably frugal. It is already sounding like that ain’t good enough for you, so you may as well do HIM a favor and break it off.
LOL! Yes, I am put off by this OP. No lie there. I think assessing the value of a greeting card that most people wouldn't even consider giving in the first place is petty.
However, there is enough "yes but" tone in her post that I sense that if he paid for everything she would go along with it as her due as a woman.
No, he should not have to pick up the tab for you or your friends.
My point is that he shouldn't have to ask. Women who want equality should naturally assume they are paying their own way.
See? Yes, but. If it didn't bother her that he doesn't do these things, she wouldn't mention it.
Some feel that while it is nice for a guest to bring wine or flowers early on, after a few months, if you are an established couple, it's not necessary. Personally, I would never, as a host, expect a guest to bring anything, no matter who they are and what my relationship to them is. It would not occur to me.
There are options here, with varying degrees of manners or lack thereof:
Stop cooking him dinner.
Tell him that you are looking forward to the time he makes you dinner as you feel this is becoming a lopsided deal.
Tell him how much you spend when you make dinner and ask him for half of it. (Good luck with that one, however.)
I began to feel sympathy here as he could be looking for the "nurse, purse, maid." But then came this part:
This is where it went out the window for me.
I can see wanting someone who is financially stable. However, the term "generous" does not imply quid pro quo. Generous people do not keep a running tab of how many times they give vs how much they receive. It sounds more like you like to spend and you want someone who likes to spend, too. How much money he has is nearly irrelevant as he could be a millionaire and if he's not spending money on you, you question his value as a partner.
There is no talk about his good traits in your post. Is he kind? Is he intelligent? Is he gentle? Is he funny? Does he respect you, your boundaries, and your ideas? Do you have meaningful conversations? Does he cherish you? Do you share values aside from spending habits? If something were to happen to you or you needed some assistance with something, do you feel that he would be there for you? Is he a good man?
Do not misunderstand. Similar approaches to money are very important. But there is the big picture and there is the small picture. Picking apart someone's gifts are neither conducive to nor indicative of love and real sentiment. Maybe find someone more like yourself.
I'm a generous person who was raised by a generous father. My mom was a tight-wad (with some exceptions). Generosity is the opposite of avarice - or on a continuum, they are at opposite ends.
All of my partners have been generous, and some had a real "generosity of spirit." I couldn't be with a tight-wad - I don't like the energy, so I "get" her statement.
Only time will tell, and I would move slowly. I wouldn't care about a card being from the dollar store, but the rest would have me on guard. Even IF it looks like he does have money, you need to figure out if your lifestyles are compatible financially, if not it could lead to lots of problems later.
How long have you been dating? It seems pretty inappropriate for him to be discussing moving in together, that's a red flag for me.
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Dating someone almost 3 months. During the first month or so, he seemed happy to pay when we went out albeit not to any high end restaurants. I always offered to pay but he declined so I made him a few nice dinners. Since doing that, we haven’t been out to dinner much but we have plans to go out with friends the next 2 weekends so I would hope he’d pick up the tab.
We just went on our first weekend getaway and he asked if we could split the cost of the room and food at the hotel which I thought was ok so I did.
I don’t have an issue with splitting everything but it would be nice if he brought a bottle of wine or some flowers one of the weekends he comes over since I buy him food to have a nice breakfast and something to eat during the day. I also buy wine when I make him dinner.
He then says if things work out with us, he wants to live with me “and between the 2 of us, we could live nicely”.
I am very financially stable (live in a beautiful home and have a good nest egg since I’ve worked as an attorney for 38 years) and he professes he is too (financially stable) but currently lives in a one bedroom apartment with little furniture. He did divorce a few years ago and he says he lives like that because it’s only temporary and since staying with me on weekends he realizes how comfortable my home is and that he can afford to live somewhere much nicer and he wants to start that process now (even if we don’t live together for a while).
He just gave me a card for thanksgiving and I noticed it came from the dollar store (by the way I like the dollar store for certain things but not the first holiday card for your girlfriend or boyfriend).
I told him in the beginning I need to be with someone I know can take care of themselves financially since I’m almost 65 years old and he says he can. I have a slightly disabled son and I’m a widow so my son needs my financial help as well.
Does it sound like this man is a bit tight when it comes to money? I am generous and don’t want to be with someone who is cheap or really has no financial stability.
This might be just me, but if any man who I was dating told me that "if things work out" he'd be moving into my house--especially three months in, I'd be giving him the boot.
As for the rest: you wish to be courted in a very specific, very pampered way. That's fine, but it doesn't seem like this man is a match for you in that department.
I am very financially stable (live in a beautiful home and have a good nest egg since I’ve worked as an attorney for 38 years) and he professes he is too (financially stable) but currently lives in a one bedroom apartment with little furniture. He did divorce a few years ago and he says he lives like that because it’s only temporary and since staying with me on weekends he realizes how comfortable my home is and that he can afford to live somewhere much nicer and he wants to start that process now (even if we don’t live together for a while).
I think in your situation it's much less of a gamble.
His 'financial situation' is already finished.
You're both senior citizens (I assume) so he'll be on a fixed income.
My sister married a man who has no career to speak of and had two kids with him, and she has to support them all for 2 to 3 more decades, so ... THAT is a gamble. You're already further along the road.
Everything is relative. You could say to yourself, well, he also might get sick, and I'll have to take care of him. Well, then you could just not date.
Or not marry. But even if you don't marry and you're not obligated to take care of him, will you feel guilty ditching him if he gets cancer?
O M G !! I bet this guy doesn't have anywhere else to go! Who is going to rent in today's rental rates at maybe $800 - $2000 month for an apartment when you can be paying a mortgage! He wants to come live with you because you have a nice home and he is planning to take you girl !!! I say drop him like a hot potato !!! I do, I mean it. This guy is a player and I would not trust him. You split the room on weekend outings and buy the wine and all that for breakfast? NO. He can buy his own groceries and I'm sure you like him and all but dang, this does NOT sound good to me. Hope I'm not being too blunt LOL but you sound like a very intelligent person and this is just not right. Hope all goes in your favor!
You may be right. However, I rent and my rent is more than what you mention. After being a homeowner, I decided it was not worth the hassle at this time in my life, when I want things to be as simple as possible. Also, it is privilege to compare renting with mortgage. Depending on what part of the country you are in, buying a home is not feasible for many people because of the downpayments required. In my area, a downpayment on a single-family home can easily run $100,000.
The bottom line with this OP is that she is judging his worth as a partner on how much money he is willing to spend on her. If that is so important to her, she needs to find someone more like herself.
This might be just me, but if any man who I was dating told me that "if things work out" he'd be moving into my house--especially three months in, I'd be giving him the boot.
As for the rest: you wish to be courted in a very specific, very pampered way. That's fine, but it doesn't seem like this man is a match for you in that department.
He did not say he wanted to move into her house. He said he could afford much nicer than what he has now, if it works out he'd like to live with her, and between the two of them they could live nicely.
There is a chance he simply misses having a home with a loving partner. It would not be the first time a single or divorced man his age became lonely and wanted that. It is one reason why so many older men who are divorced or widowed remarry, sometimes quickly. As mentioned in other threads, older men often don't have the social networks that women do.
Sure, he may have the means to "upgrade" his own living situation by himself, but he may not feel like it's worth it just for himself. I can relate to that. It would not be worth it to me to buy a house or expand into something larger when it's just me filling it, maintaining it, keeping it clean, etc. It is not a matter of money. It is a matter of time and not being compelled to buy a lot of things that I don't really need and will rarely use just because I can afford the space to house them. In the highly doubtful event that I fell in love again and wanted to live with someone or remarry, that might change. In fact, it probably would, because I would not want to live with someone else in a one-bedroom apartment!
This might be just me, but if any man who I was dating told me that "if things work out" he'd be moving into my house--especially three months in, I'd be giving him the boot.
As for the rest: you wish to be courted in a very specific, very pampered way. That's fine, but it doesn't seem like this man is a match for you in that department.
Yeah this a red flag. In his mind he's making plans even though they don't know each other very well. She doesn't even know his financial situation and he's thinking ahead with plans to move in to her house?....Did he even ask or he's just thinking this is how it should be..? And then he said between the two of them they could live nicely--- OP is already living nicely. He means he could live nicely.
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