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eh maybe it is a hidden porn addiction, but I would guess low Testosterone.
When a man has low T it would be common that he simply does not care. Asking him to get it checked, he wont.
You need to tell him that you care, and that this topic is important to you, and to the future of your relationship with him.
Tell him to schedule a doctor's appointment and that you want to be present during the appointment.
On the other hand, something to keep in mind is that high T may cause anger and rage. My grandfather, my father, myself, and my son have all had high T. In each of us it manifested as anger and rage.
My wife and I did some investigating and learned that within my bloodline the anger and rage is inherited. For me it was not until age 60, when I got cancer and had to go through hormone therapy to have my T turned off, that I fully realized the effect my T level had.
I see the porn=no/low libido connection here often, but frankly I don't get it. Doesn't watching porn get you MORE turned on??? Even if you're "taking matters into your own hands?" (trying to tread lightly here so I don't get a warning). Factor in this guy is in his 20s, which most of us will remember was our absolute horniest time of our life as men, he should be able to watch porn all day, every day and STILL be attracted to OP enough to desire her.
Unless we're talking about an addition, I guess, when someone does nothing but watches porn. That's a different story, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here....or at least OP hasn't relayed that yet (or doesn't know).
Has there been any discussion of prior relationships / encounters? I.e. past girlfriends? I'd have to assume there is a "before" and "after" discussion when talking through this challenge.
Also, I hate to be the one to ask, but its worth asking - any possibility that he doesn't like women?
It's about conditioning arousal and expectation of what qualifies as "appealing" for Tom...
then how to reconcile between the super model fantasy vs vs the real woman in the room with him.
My boyfriend (early 30s) is amazing. Gorgeous, intelligent, thoughtful, funny, and so caring towards me. I love him very much.
The only problem is that he has a pretty low sex drive while I have a very high one. He compliments me frequently/is very into my body, but it's pretty much always me initiating sex. And the times we've had sex, he hasn't really been able to perform, either at all, or can't last for more than some seconds before losing the erection. I eventually had a discussion with him about it. He thought of lots of possibilities, like maybe he was just tired a lot or maybe it was a death grip problem from watching porn over time thing, and so on but ultimately nothing changed despite any efforts. He went to the doctor and got checked out. Everything seemed to be on a normal level health-wise, and he was just given Viagra. I'd also like to mention that he has a condition, hemochromatosis (which is completely under control and he's super healthy, but he was diagnosed late), and when you're diagnosed late with it, common complications include an erectile dysfunction and loss of sex drive, which is what I think happened with him. He definitely doesn't think that's the reason though, since he wakes up with morning wood and watches porn. Regardless, the viagra helped, though he still couldn't last very long. I bet he was super stressed though considering the probable pressure. Otherwise, to help, I've tried oral on him, teases, many things but it still ends up with this situation. Yesterday, we were kissing and cuddling sexually, and as usual, I got turned on pretty quickly. But once again, I noticed he wasn't making any attempts to go further. He very often initiates intense kissing and sexual cuddles, but doesn't go further and will just keep endlessly kissing me unless I initiate sex/ask if he wants to have sex/take off my top/you get the idea. So, this time again, I asked if he wanted to bang. He said things like, "well, we could try... but like...." and "well, it's coming and going (the erection), so...", and basically I could just tell he didn't want to go through with it. I still thought to myself, what if I'm wrong and it's only a physical issue stopping him right now? So I asked about the Viagra but he said he was out of it. That surprised me, because we hadn't seen each other for a long time (work + covid reasons), and while I had been thinking a lot about having sex, he hadn't even put enough thought into the possibility of sex to make sure he had Viagra on hand. Meanwhile, I had went really far, like I barely had time before seeing him but I made it all work out, like making sure I was all waxed and everything, all that stuff.
But I didn't want to push him so that was that. However, I had trouble sleeping when I got back to my place, because I couldn't stop thinking about all this. I just don't know what we can do. Unfortunately, I'm not into oral on myself or toys/fingering, and while self-pleasuring is okay, nothing beats real penetration for me. And I'm turned on easily, so each time all the sexual cuddles and intense but endless kissing don't go anywhere, I just feel unfulfilled. I don't feel personally rejected or anything, but just, sad.
I don't know what to do or say to improve the situation. Any advice?
I used to date a guy like that. He had low Testosterone and took monthly injections in his thigh. He would give himself the injections, just need the RX from the Doctor. Once he took it it got a lot better. That may be the problem.
People jumping on the "It's the porn" train really don't get ED and low testosterone issues. It's not that he's over stimulated; he's got such irregular reaction to stimulation that he has to take it when he can.
I know a handful of people that suffer from ED for a variety of reasons; hormones, other health problems, emotional instability, or just plain old genetics. All of them had to connect and communicate with their partners on the issue. On the other hand the partners had to learn and realize it wasn't them, their partner has a medical condition and as such they had to look at alternative ways to enjoy the relationship.
Many people settle with enjoy the cuddles and kissing, and if action can happen its a happy bonus.
Others look at getting therapy and looking at how they can remain emotionally intimate while satisfying physical needs of the sexually high partner.
Another option is look at alternative ways to engage physically. You don't have to get extreme, but many partners find exploring other forms of engagement can even fix the E.D.
The biggest thing that they all included is a supportive and understanding partner. ED/low testosterone is a hard and emotionally draining situation for people. The expectations and pressure to perform can make it worse, especially if you have a partner with a high sex drive and is pressing for more. Keep in mind it's not his fault and could be a permanent thing.
You need an open and totally honest conversation with each other on what you both need and want in terms of your sexual relationship. If you demand but he can't consistently provide it might be time to be frank and allow both of you freedom to pick someone more your speeds.
It's about conditioning arousal and expectation of what qualifies as "appealing" for Tom...
then how to reconcile between the super model fantasy vs vs the real woman in the room with him.
Porn nowadays is not all super model types. In fact, it's just the opposite.
Seeing another doctor is a good idea. And you should be present if your bf will let you, so you can be help ensure the symptoms and issues are fully discussed - not forgotten or glossed over.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Submariner
eh maybe it is a hidden porn addiction, but I would guess low Testosterone.
When a man has low T it would be common that he simply does not care. Asking him to get it checked, he wont.
You need to tell him that you care, and that this topic is important to you, and to the future of your relationship with him.
Tell him to schedule a doctor's appointment and that you want to be present during the appointment.
On the other hand, something to keep in mind is that high T may cause anger and rage. My grandfather, my father, myself, and my son have all had high T. In each of us it manifested as anger and rage.
My wife and I did some investigating and learned that within my bloodline the anger and rage is inherited. For me it was not until age 60, when I got cancer and had to go through hormone therapy to have my T turned off, that I fully realized the effect my T level had.
Thank you! Very helpful. I didn't even consider the option of going with him. I'm not sure he'd be thrilled at the idea, but I could mention it and hopefully he'd be comfortable. I can see him asking me why I'd need to come though, hmm. Anyway, I sort of hope it's low testosterone just so that it can be sorted out at least/we can have a plan around what to do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Florida2014
I see the porn=no/low libido connection here often, but frankly I don't get it. Doesn't watching porn get you MORE turned on??? Even if you're "taking matters into your own hands?" (trying to tread lightly here so I don't get a warning). Factor in this guy is in his 20s, which most of us will remember was our absolute horniest time of our life as men, he should be able to watch porn all day, every day and STILL be attracted to OP enough to desire her.
Unless we're talking about an addition, I guess, when someone does nothing but watches porn. That's a different story, but it doesn't sound like that's the case here....or at least OP hasn't relayed that yet (or doesn't know).
He's in his early 30s, not 20s. Although, he did say at one point, "Well I'm 30 now, not a teen anymore so my sex drive of course isn't the same", though I still think 30s is too young to not be as interested in sex anymore. I'll ask more next time about the porn stuff, maybe he's addicted and I just don't know it. I kind of doubt that (he has a low libido, in my exp), but who knows.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1200RT
Has there been any discussion of prior relationships / encounters? I.e. past girlfriends? I'd have to assume there is a "before" and "after" discussion when talking through this challenge.
Also, I hate to be the one to ask, but its worth asking - any possibility that he doesn't like women?
Oh I don't mind! He's definitely straight, and it's pretty much undeniable at this point that it's some sort of ED/physical issue (whether it has to do with hormones or whatever else, who knows), and while he struggles with it, it's not a gender attraction problem.
Yes, he's had past girlfriends and had sex way before meeting me and all that. However, I don't know how much, or if this was always a problem. I'm actually going to ask that the next time I see him! If he was ever truly sexual or if he's just not that into sex. It was just a very difficult conversation the first time because it's a sensitive topic so I felt I was treading along the bushes. I'll be more direct this time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bootsamillion
I used to date a guy like that. He had low Testosterone and took monthly injections in his thigh. He would give himself the injections, just need the RX from the Doctor. Once he took it it got a lot better. That may be the problem.
Thanks! All these comments about low testosterone really have me wondering if that could be it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nuggznsauce
People jumping on the "It's the porn" train really don't get ED and low testosterone issues. It's not that he's over stimulated; he's got such irregular reaction to stimulation that he has to take it when he can.
I know a handful of people that suffer from ED for a variety of reasons; hormones, other health problems, emotional instability, or just plain old genetics. All of them had to connect and communicate with their partners on the issue. On the other hand the partners had to learn and realize it wasn't them, their partner has a medical condition and as such they had to look at alternative ways to enjoy the relationship.
Many people settle with enjoy the cuddles and kissing, and if action can happen its a happy bonus.
Others look at getting therapy and looking at how they can remain emotionally intimate while satisfying physical needs of the sexually high partner.
Another option is look at alternative ways to engage physically. You don't have to get extreme, but many partners find exploring other forms of engagement can even fix the E.D.
The biggest thing that they all included is a supportive and understanding partner. ED/low testosterone is a hard and emotionally draining situation for people. The expectations and pressure to perform can make it worse, especially if you have a partner with a high sex drive and is pressing for more. Keep in mind it's not his fault and could be a permanent thing.
You need an open and totally honest conversation with each other on what you both need and want in terms of your sexual relationship. If you demand but he can't consistently provide it might be time to be frank and allow both of you freedom to pick someone more your speeds.
Yes, he's definitely not over-stimulated by any means. The only way I could see the porn being a problem is if he's into some extreme fetishes and so regular vanilla sex doesn't do it for him. However, he IS a vanilla person and we've talked about it before. So I do definitely think it's a health issue (either the hemochromatosis condition he was born with, or low T). I'll talk to him about this when I see him later this week. Thank you!
Thank you! Very helpful. I didn't even consider the option of going with him. I'm not sure he'd be thrilled at the idea, but I could mention it and hopefully he'd be comfortable. I can see him asking me why I'd need to come though, hmm. Anyway, I sort of hope it's low testosterone just so that it can be sorted out at least/we can have a plan around what to do.
He's in his early 30s, not 20s. Although, he did say at one point, "Well I'm 30 now, not a teen anymore so my sex drive of course isn't the same", though I still think 30s is too young to not be as interested in sex anymore. I'll ask more next time about the porn stuff, maybe he's addicted and I just don't know it. I kind of doubt that (he has a low libido, in my exp), but who knows.
Oh I don't mind! He's definitely straight, and it's pretty much undeniable at this point that it's some sort of ED/physical issue (whether it has to do with hormones or whatever else, who knows), and while he struggles with it, it's not a gender attraction problem.
Yes, he's had past girlfriends and had sex way before meeting me and all that. However, I don't know how much, or if this was always a problem. I'm actually going to ask that the next time I see him! If he was ever truly sexual or if he's just not that into sex. It was just a very difficult conversation the first time because it's a sensitive topic so I felt I was treading along the bushes. I'll be more direct this time.
Thanks! All these comments about low testosterone really have me wondering if that could be it.
Yes, he's definitely not over-stimulated by any means. The only way I could see the porn being a problem is if he's into some extreme fetishes and so regular vanilla sex doesn't do it for him. However, he IS a vanilla person and we've talked about it before. So I do definitely think it's a health issue (either the hemochromatosis condition he was born with, or low T). I'll talk to him about this when I see him later this week. Thank you!
I don't understand why the effects of his hemochromatosis are being underestimated here when you, and he, already know that two of the side effects are loss of sex drive and impotence. Perhaps it would be more helpful for him to discuss the long-term effects of the disease and possible other treatments (besides Viagra) that would help with his sexual problems.
Yes, he's definitely not over-stimulated by any means. The only way I could see the porn being a problem is if he's into some extreme fetishes and so regular vanilla sex doesn't do it for him. However, he IS a vanilla person and we've talked about it before. So I do definitely think it's a health issue (either the hemochromatosis condition he was born with, or low T). I'll talk to him about this when I see him later this week. Thank you!
So you don't consider that the two major health issues he's had, for basically his entire life MIGHT be the issue here and are instead fishing around on a message board for answers?
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