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I have a male family member that wants to have a child but his wife is totally opposed to things like IVF or using a donor egg. They have tried for years and went to a baby doctor that said using a donor was basically their only option with a good chance of working. Apparently she feels like it’s playing God and wants no part of it.
Do you think this is reason enough for ending their relationship? I’ve heard people tell a woman she had a tough decision to make (husband or potential children) when wanting to have a child but her infertile husband refuses a sperm donor….but what about when it’s the woman that doesn’t want to use a donor? Should the man stay through thick and thin even if he wants kids but his wife is I guess morally opposed to the available options that could make that happen?
Seems like one of those situations most people don’t talk about prior to getting married.
I could see her side. I don’t know if I could carry a child for 9 months that I knew wasn’t “mine” - I take it adoption is off the table as well?
If so, and he’s not going to be able to get over/past not having children, I doubt the marriage will work long term. That core resentment is just going to stick around and flare up at inopportune times.
To be fair, using donated sperm is LITERALLY ZERO work for the father-to-be.
Using a donor egg and doing IVF means months of cycle tracking, appointments, blood tests, hormones, injections, other doctor appointments to get the all-clear, continued meds, and then if you're lucky you get a 9 month pregnancy (with more appointments, tracking, tests, etc.) and a labor and birth to deal with that may or may not go smoothly.
It's a huge deal. Adoption or surrogacy might still be an option.
I think this is wrongheaded thinking on his part. There is no guarantee that even if they did try IVF and donor eggs that they would be able to conceive. Marriage is for better or for worse. It is a husband and a wife. It is not "if you don't give me children, I'm walking." Sometimes, despite how desperately you want children to happen, things don't work out for a couple. One or both partners may struggle with infertility. Treatments are horribly expensive and invasive and can be emotionally devastating.
There is no guarantee that even if they turn to the step of adoption, they will be able to get a baby that way either. There are far more couples hoping to adopt an infant than there are infants available.
I think that if this man really wants to be a dad, why not sign up to take classes and be a foster parent? Open his home to kids who really need someone. Maybe one of those placements could eventually become a permanent placement. But I can understand why his wife at this point may be looking at invasive medical procedures that don't necessarily have a high chance of working and saying she's not on board.
Has the husband actually expressed a desire to end the marriage? And only because of this situation...or are these thoughts that YOU are wondering about?
Here are my thoughts:
1. People don't always get what they want. Not even when the Spice Girls sing it. And babies are not a basic entitlement guaranteed by the constitution of the USA.
2. It seems impractical to divorce a wife over 'this'. IF this couple has the money to spend it on fertilization specialists, than that makes me think this is a couple in their 30's...and their window of opportunity is already slipping away. What's this guy going to do? Divorce his wife, who presumably he loves, so he can start over with another woman?
I mean...it's not impossible to start over...sure...but it seems unlikely.
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